Summer 2012 Road Trip on Vancouver Island With the Smiths

Before Matt flew to Kuwait, to start his new teaching job, the four Smiths took a road trip to Sayward, Vancouver Island...
Husband John: Let the adventure continue. Fist pump!  Shelley, the best bit is we have both Matt and Andrew with us. Boys, I've been thinking. On this trip I want you to drive the truck while it's towing the fifth wheel. Time to man up.
27 year old Matt: No.
25 year old Andrew: No.
Shelley: No.
John: Why not?
Shelley: Besides the fact that the roads don't have shoulders and they've never driven the truck towing the fifth wheel?
John: You never support me.
Matt: Andrew, one less needle in your arm is more money for your wedding.
Andrew: Good to know.

John: Shelley, see that sign. Hay.

Shelley: Hay.

Matt: Boy, going through Saskatchewan must be a Hell of a good time for you two.

John: Did I tell you about our last trip to Sayward? We caught 8 fish.

Matt: Yes. Dad, and that is why we can't talk every day on the phone. You repeat your stories.
John: You hung up on me the last time I called you and Andrew.
Matt: Oh my God. You had already called us three times that day.
John: But, I had something to tell you.
Matt: What?
John:... Well now that you ask. I can't remember.
Matt: Mom, can you turn off the air con? My gonads are tiny.
Andrew: Pretty sure it's not the air con.

Matt: Ha! Ha!... Hey, stop bugging me.
Andrew: Let's do "rock paper scissors" to see if I leave you alone.
Matt: Andrew! Don't touch me! I mean it.
Andrew: I wasn't. This is touching. Googly. Googly. Matt, why won't you talk to me? We're on a road trip. Last before you go.
Matt: For @#$%s sake! We just spent four days together. There's nothing to talk about.
Andrew: What about...
Matt: Arghhh. Ash would never put up with this @#$%!
Andrew: I'm just going to put the garbage pail on your side.
Matt: No. It's fine where it is.
Andrew: I don't want it on my side. How about in the middle?
Matt: I don't want it in the middle. I want it exactly where it was.
Andrew: What's wrong with you? Why are you so grumpy?
Matt: I just want to read my comics. For the love of God. Mom!!
Shelley: Baby carrots anyone?

Matt: Andrew, can you chew louder?
Andrew: Sniff. Sniff. Gak. Gak. Look at this carrot. It's going to be sooo loud.

Matt: Why did I agree to this trip?
Shelley: I have an idea. Let's see whose carrot lasts the longest.
John: That's what she said.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
John: Look! There's a field full of bison.

Matt and Andrew: Dad!!! You need to drive and let us look.
John: But, I've never seen bison there before.
Andrew: Do you know how to tell the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
John and Shelley: You can't wash your hands in a bison.
Andrew, Shelley, John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt: Holy @#$%! How much longer?
John: Time to listen to my podcast. I need to set the station at 105.1. Just give me a sec. and...
Matt and Andrew: Mom! You do it, so dad doesn't kill us.
Shelley: Do you promise to stop bickering?
Matt and Andrew: Yes, Mother Dearest.
Shelley: And, then go to sleep?

Matt and Andrew: Yes, Mother Dearest.

Shelley: I know what that means.
Matt, Andrew and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
                        Night times...

Matt: Andrew, for the love of God. Play.
Andrew: I don't appreicate your tone, Matt.
Matt: That's it. I quit.
John, Shelley, Andrew: You can't quit. This is a fishing holiday.
Matt: Trust me the fish are on a $#%^ing holiday.

Bedtimes...
Matt: Andrew, I want to sleep on this bed.

Andrew: Get off it Matt. That's my bed.
Matt: We need to take turns. It's called sharing.
Andrew: No. We never agreed.  Besides, I really, really love this bed.
Matt: Andrew, you're such an Asshole. You're just doing that because I want this one. We're switching.

Andrew: Not a chance. I slept on that bed for 3 nights. It's your turn.
Matt: That's such BS. You slept on it for one night.
Andrew: Not if you count last summer.
Matt: Fine. I'm, going to bed to read my comics.
Andrew:...  Matt.
Matt:...
Andrew: Matt.
Matt: Andrew! Go to sleep.
Andrew: OK. We can switch. If you really, really...
John: Shelley, the best bit is we have both Matt and Andrew with us. 

Shelley and John

PS: And as before, if you are enjoying the blogs, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr. Become a "Follower." What the heck, read some of my older blogs. My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Face your Fears - Ride a Roller Coaster

Matt and Andrew

Friend Willie, my son, Andrew, my other son Matt, and daughter-in-law, Ash

Looking at their pictures reminded me of 

 typical Smith outings at

every Amusement Park we have ever visited.

John: But, you all know I hate roller coasters. And Space Mountain's entire ride is in the dark. No. Please. I'll go on the Run Away Train or The Cups and Saucers. Come on. I went on the Log Ride. Isn't that good enough?

Matt: No, you made a deal. If we went on It's a Small World three freakin' times in a row, you would go on Space Mountain. We completed our end of the deal and now it's your turn. It's just a ride for God's sake. Nothing will happen. You're not going to die.
John: Oh right. That's what they said to that poor dead woman in Kuala Lumpur just before she got on that Roller Coaster.
Shelley: That was Malaysia. This is the US.
John:  Look. I'll do anything. ANYTHING if you don't make me get on that ride. Please.... Please.
Andrew: Dad, you can do this. You always told us to face our enemies. Don't you think it's time to face your enemy? Fear.
John: No!!!!
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: You can't back out on a deal.
John: OK. OK. But this this is the last scary ride I go on today. Promise?
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: Promise.
Attendant: I'm just going to pull this down over your head. And... lock it in. Good. Good. Last time it didn't click. Boy, was I ever worried.
John: Whaaatttt?? Get me off of this.
Shelley: He's kidding.
John: I'm just going to pull on it. To check it. Oh Nooooo!!!! Mine is loose. Shelley, look how it moves. Excuse me. Excuse me!  I don't think mine has locked properly. Hey! Do not start this thing up. HEY!!!!!!
Andrew: It's OK. Relax.

John:  Relax. You're telling me to... Huh? What's going on? Why are we going up so slowly? Jesus Christ Shelley. I don't want to do this. I really don't. I hate roller coasters. I really, really do.
Shelley: You'll be fine.
John: What was that? Was that screaming?
Matt: From another ride, dad.
John: I can't see. I can't see anything. It's so dark.
Andrew: Dad. They're just doing that to scare you. Calm down.
John: Holy S@#$!!! It's started. I can't breathe.  I CAN"T BREATHE!!!!!!!
Shelley: Of course you can. Hold your restraint. Just hold on tight and...
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: Whhhhooooohooooo!!!!!!!
John: Ahhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Oh My God. Holy Mother of God.....Oh no. Oh no. OH Nooooooooo!!!!  Get me off of this!!! Who was the sadist who dreamed this ride uppppp??????? Faaaackkkkkkkkkk!!! I'm going to die. I'M GOING TO DIEEEEE!!!!!!!! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO THIS??? OK. OK. I think we are almost done. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS. Smiths don't quit! Smiths don't... Oh Oh Oh AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! JEEEESUUSSSSSSS CHRISSTTTTT SHELLEEEEEEEY!!!!!!! I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!! OH GOD. Oh God. Oh dear God. Thank you God. It's over. I'm alive. I'm done. No more scary rides. Smile, Matt.

Attendant: Welcome back. As you exit the building, please take a look at your picture on the TV monitor. For only 10 dollars, you can have a memory that will last a life time
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: Oh no. Not again. This time you had your eyes closed. We're going to have to go again.

Shelley and John
PS: And as before, if you are enjoying the blogs, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr. Become a "Follower." What the heck, read some of my older blogs. My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Should Ipods be Banned From Grandparents?

My son, Matt: And, what's your Gmail password?
Mom: Granny.
Matt: No. That's your hotmail password. Your Gmail.
Mom: But, someone sent me a message saying I needed to change my Gmail password. So, I did. But, I can't remember what it is. Hell, I can't remember my old one. I just turn on my computer and voila, there everything is. 
Matt: Wait! You never log out when you're done? 
Mom: Never. There's this little box that you tick to stay logged on.

                          

Matt: Yes. Yes. I know all about the little box. But, that is so unsafe. If someone gets hold of your computer, they can access everything.
Dad: "I" always log out.

Matt: That's good Grandpa. Mom? Dad? 

Shelley and John: Yessss?

Matt: Oh my God! Everyone. For your own protection, never, ever stay logged on.

Mom: I think I remember my password now. Grandmadearest.

Matt:.... No. That didn't work.

Mom: What about Grandmais#1?

Matt:... Nope. Also didn't work. Did you just make that up?

Mom: Nooo?

Matt: .......... OK. Fine. Here's what we are going to do. You're going to give me four numbers. Those numbers will be your password. Then, I'm going to sync all of your accounts together. 

Mom: 54306
Matt: No. That's 5. I said 4.
Mom: 44445. There are four 4's in that one.
Matt: You are killing me. How about 3102? Can you remember that?

Mom: If I do this, I can. 

                                 

Matt: Noooooo. You didn't just write it on the back of your hand. The whole purpose of this Ipod is to go without pen and paper.

Mom: I didn't use any paper.

Matt: Oh Jesus.... OK. OK.  I am going to save the password on the computer. Every 5 minutes there will be a reminder. OK?

John: They'll never use this.

Matt: They f#$%ing better.

Mom: Can you set up Skype so we can phone you for help?

Matt: Yes.... Let's move on. Music.

Dad: I'll just play yours. 

Matt: I wiped it clean. I didn't think you would listen to my stuff. 

Dad: What about Tom Jones? 
Matt: Is he a real singer?
Dad: Of course he is. (Singing) It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.... And, Ceen Dion.

Matt: Who?
Dad: Ceen Dion.

Matt: Also, not an actual person. 

Dad: She's Canadian.

Matt:... Celine Dion?

Dad: Yes. Celine Dion.
Matt: How about I open an Itunes account for you? That way you can buy anything you want.
Mom and Dad: We have to pay???

Matt: OK.... OK.  Other apps. Data. Do you want it to set new data?

Mom: Yes. Absolutely.

Matt: Do you know what that means?

Mom: No. But it sounds good.

Matt: It will tell you when you have new mail, calendar alerts, new posts on Facebook, and reminders. Like your password every 5 minutes. 

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Matt: Sooo... double spaced... automatic... period.

Mom: I don't have one.

Dad: You haven't had one for 25 years.

Everyone but Matt: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt: Oh my God! Putting a space robot on Mars was easier than this. Photos: You have 2 cameras. You can flip it around so you can take a picture of yourself.

You can delete, e-mail or send as a message or print it. 

Mom: I want to go to Costco and look for a mattress.

Matt: I don't understand that.
Dad: Tell me again Matt, why do we have to spend 5 bucks?

Matt: To have one password that works for everything including unlocking the Ipod.

Mom: What is this icon? What does it do? I can't even see this thing?

Matt: Oh F$#%!!!!!!!
Mom: OK. Information overload. Let's play a game... Matt! What's wrong?

Matt: I just realized what my teaching job is going to be like for the next two years.

Shelley and John
PS: Enjoying the blogs? If so, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter. Become a "Follower." What the heck, read some of my older blogs. My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

2012 Olympics Men's 100 meter Final Spoiler Alert - Fastest Man in The World 2012 Olympics

CTV Announcer: Stay tuned to find out who is the fastest man in the world. In only 40 minutes, we'll find out. Let's return to Women's Volleyball.

Shelley, Brother Spencer, Sister-in-law Jenny: That is going to be an awesome race.
Mom: I know who won. We watched it earlier. It was...
Shelley: Noooooo!!!!!!! Please don't share.
Spencer: Like when you shared the results of the Women's Bronze Medal Soccer match. We weren't even out of the car and you told us Canada won in the 92nd minute, 1- 0.
Mom: Oh for God sakes Spencer. It was on all the radio stations.
Spencer: But, you need to ask if people want to know. They might want to watch it later.
Mom: Were you going to watch it later?
Spencer: No. But that's not the point?
Mom: What is your point?
Spencer: My point is... my point is... ahhhh. There is no point.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

CTV Announcer: Stay tuned. In 30 minutes, the fastest man in the world will be decided. But for now, let's go to the pool where...
Mom: The Canadian in lane 2 never catches the leader. He comes second.
Shelley and Spencer: Nooooo!!!! No telling results. You were supposed to ask.
Dad: What other results would you like to know?
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

CTV Announcer: Stay tuned. In 20 minutes we are going to show you the fastest man in the world. But now, let's check on wrestling where Canada's Tonya Verbeek is warming up for her gold medal bout...

Jenny: I really want to see this bout. I used to wrestle against Tonya in High School. Please don't tell.
Mom: I didn't see that one. You're safe.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

CTV Announcer: Stay tuned. In 10 minutes we are going to show you the fastest man in the world. Time to check back in on Volleyball...

Spencer: Why is there a player in a different colour uniform?
Shelley: She's the libero.
Spencer: What does that mean?
Mom: Liberrrrghhooo.
Shelley: No. Libero.
Dad: You should have seen Italy beat the US in the quarter finals. They cleaned them. The US never had a chance.
Shelley: Are you sure? I thought they were unbeaten.
Dad: Absolutely.
CTV Announcer: And Brazil wins. That sets up a Brazil- US final. A repeat of Beijing in 2008.
Shelley: But you just said...
Dad: I meant the men's. 
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

CTV Announcer: Stay tuned. In less than 3 minutes CTV brings you the race the world has been waiting for. The race that will decide once and for all who is the fastest man in the world. But first, were going to break for a commercial...
Everyone: Yesssss!!!!!
Mom: If you watch closely, you'll see someone throw a water bottle.
Shelley: No. No talking. Absolutely no talking during the race... I am so looking forward to this. I wonder if Bolt will redeem himself after the World's. Can't believe he...
Mom: I thought you just said, "No talking."
Shelley: Sorry. Sorry. You're right. I'm just pretty excited. OK. Not long now.
Mom: You're still talking.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

CTV Commercial: Tonight on the "CTV National News" Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world.

Shelley and John

How to Change a Poopy Diaper

I knew my 27 year old son, Matt, never really love doing dishes. But, even so, I was super surprised when...

Sister-in law Jenny: Whewhuuueeeee! Mia needs to be changed. Spencer.
Brother Spencer: But, I changed her three times today.
Jenny: Come on, not one was poopy!
Matt: I'll do it!
Jenny and Spencer: Have you ever changed a diaper before?
Matt: No. But, if it gets me out of dishes, I'm in.
Jenny: She's all yours.
Mia: Mwo mwo bahh bahhh....

For the rest of the blog, every time Matt speaks to Mia, he uses a sing songy voice.

Matt: Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah yeah. I'm going to change Mia's diaper. I'll just lay Mia on the sun bed, and...ahhhhhh... how do you open this diaper? Taylor. Can you show Cousin Matt how to open the diaper?

Niece Taylor: Na na na na na na na naah MATT MANNNN!!! Right there! Max.
8 month old Niece Mia: Mwo mwo bahh bahhh....
Matt: No. It's Matt. OK. Mia. Mia. I'm going to open these tabs. Wow. That is a lot of poop. Mia's diaper is full of poop. And, her back. Full of poopity poop. Oh poopity poop. Poopity poop.

Mia: Mwo mwo bahh bahhh....Mwo mwo bahh bahhh....
Matt: Whoooo hooo. Hey Mia. Hey Mia. Don't cry.

Just turned 3, Taylor: Don't cry Mia. Mia. Don't cry. My Mia. My Mia. Mia. Mia. I'm going to kiss you.
Mia: Mwo mwo bahh bahhh....

Taylor: Eeeeoouuuchhhh! No! Mia. That's my hair. (Takes her handful of hair out of Mia's hands and pats it back on her own head.)

Matt: I'll just put the diaper above your head and...
Jenny: Not by her head. She'll grab it.
Matt: Ha! Haaa! Caught you! I'll just put it on the floor. Now. Time to clean. Oh yes it is Mia. Grab the Wet Ones and...hmmm..... How do I? Need some help here. Oh Matt needs some help. Help Mia. Mia.
Jenny: Front to back, Matt. Front to back.
Matt: Oh front to back. Mia. Front to back. Oh Mia Mia! You have to stop wriggling or I can't quite...
Spencer: Hold her feet together with one hand. Like a turkey.

Matt: Hold Mia's feet together. Like a turkey. Mia, like a turkey. And wipe back to front... is it? I can't remember.
Jenny: Front to back. 
Matt: Front to back. Front to back. I wipe up the poop. Up the poop. Mia's poop. Poopity poop. And now for the new diaper ...hmmmmm... Jenny. Which way does the diaper go?
Jenny: The pictures go on the front.
Matt: The pictures go on the front. On the front. On the front. Taylor, can you check?

Taylor: Na na na na na na na naah MATT MANNNN!!! That's right Max.
Matt: Nope. It's still Matt.
Mia: Mwo mwo bahh bahhh....
Matt: Ta daaa. There you go! A job well done.
Everyone: Yayyy!!! Matt. 
Shelley: Matt. I can't believe you did that without being asked or making a fuss. What's going on?
Matt: When I spoke to dad, he said that he bonded with Mia when he fed her in Toronto. 

Since I haven't fed her yet, and time is running out, this was the only option I had left.
Shelley: Really?
Matt: Well, that and, no dishes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSaDPc1Cs5U

Shelley and John
PS: Enjoying the blogs? If so, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter. Become a "Follower." My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo