When a Deal Seems too Good to be True - Golf on a Budget

My parents are avid, talented golfers who always try to include us. We do join them, but only if they find an inexpensive executive course, so we aren’t breaking the bank and we are not out there for eternity. The other day they found a municipal executive course that cost seven bucks each. Now that was a deal!

The first hole went as expected. Both parents made par. John’s tee shot landed on the green two feet from the flag, and mine was a “worm killer.”

However, on the second hole, John’s ball hooked left over a fence and "pinged" off the roof of a shed. When this happens it's not usually too big of a deal. Everyone gives you a hard time and you play on. That day was no exception until we looked where the ball landed. 


Really looked. 


This backyard (in fact all of the backyards) was separated from the course by a 20 foot high chain link fence. Assorted broken toys, bikes, cast off lawn furniture, car parts, whole cars, and exercise equipment (like the kind you see in prison movies) littered the space. Did I mention the pit bulls?

This particular yard had two. 

TWO!!!


We froze in horror as a heavily tattooed man came out of his house. He stood at the chain linked fence, flexed his muscles and stared. At us. He didn't speak. He didn’t have to. 

Before I go any further, I want to point out that I did not take any pictures. I didn't even think of it. But I have uploaded reasonable facsimiles to give everyone an idea of the setting.

Here is a picture of a scary LA house.

And, here is a picture of a scary killer pit bull.

And, here is a picture of a scary gang member from East LA.

Anyway, John whispered to me,”Do you think I hit "his" shed?”

I answered, “No. Don’t be silly. You hit the ball way way past his yard. He’s just going outside for a workout or to play with his dogs. Just the same, why don't you take a mulligan from here? (Free hit)"

Here is what I honestly thought, “Holy Mother of God. That ball did land on his shed. That guy looks mean, gang member mean. And mad. What if this is the hundredth time today that a ball has landed on his shed and he is fed up? What if he sicks those junkyard killer dogs on us? What if he is a gang member and he shoots us? AND WHY ARE WE GOLFING IN EAST LA ANYWAY????”

But sometimes when you are on a fixed budget, you have to suck it up. The man continued to stand at the chain linked fence, flexing his muscles and staring. So, John hit another ball and we played through. Quickly. (That means using PGA rules, not Smith rules.) We were back in the car long before the sun went down!

Shelley and John

How to Play Golf - Smith Rules

USGA Rules of Golf, Jackass Flats Golf Rules - Plain text

Shenley’s, Shelley’s and John’s golf rules - Bold.

1. USGA Rules of Golf will govern play.

   1. USGA Rules of Golf will govern play, with the following exceptions:

1a. You may continuously tee off if until you land on the green, or you are satisfied with your shot, or you run out of golf balls, (fellow players are required to feed additional balls if requested.) or if you don't care any more because you are so @#$@ed off with "the" worst @#%@ing game invented, ever!!!!! 

1b If you don’t hit the green on your approach shot, then 1a applies.

1c If your putting shot does not stop within a club length of the hole, then 1a applies.


2. Gimmees for less than the length of a putter's shaft from the hole may be given.
2. That's stupid!

3.  No talking before, during and after shot play.

3 Talking, laughing, rattling of clubs before, during and after shot play is encouraged, especially if you are losing and/or you sense your opponent is frustrated.

4. Profanity and unsportsmanlike behaviour is discouraged.

4. Profanity and unsportsmanlike behaviour is encouraged.

5. No unsolicited advice.

5. Give advice freely, especially if not solicited or, your opponent is winning or losing, basically whenever you feel it will work to your advantage.

6. Jackass Golf Course Rules - Tees or turf are allowed everywhere except on putting  greens and sand traps.

6. Look carefully at the rocks in this picture. 

7. If the ball lands in or near water hazards, ditch hazards, protective fences, trees, watering areas, trash cans - drop the ball 1 club length no closer to the flag. 1 stroke penalty is assessed.

7.  No penalty assessed if no drop is taken.

8. Out of bounds, one stroke penalty.

8. See #3.

9. Excessive celebration by the winner is discouraged and considered unsportsmanlike.

9. Unless ...

Shelley wins.


Shelley and John