Forever Young, No Way Would I Drink From the Fountain of Youth... Yet

Daily Prompt: Forever Young

If there were a real Fountain of Youth, would you drink the water?

I'm not sure if I would drink the water... yet, but last year I met a woman from Sugarland, Texas, who, if given the opportunity, would have chugged from the Fountain of Youth. I met her at a Super Bowl Party that my brother, Steve and sister-in-law Shelley (My partner in crime) took John and me to.

Brother Steve, Shelley, me and John

Not going to lie, I'd already consumed a few glasses of wine before I struck up a conversation. John says it was more like a vat of wine. He exaggerates.

I'm on the left, Shelley is on the right.

Hostess: More Wine?

Me: Thank you. Cheers. So, let me get this straight. You have a level 5 black belt in karate, manage your own Dojo, have two kids in their twenties, say you're just over fifty, but don't look a day over forty. I'm the same age, but my eyebrows are falling out, I have wrinkles here, here and here, along with sun damage. What's your secret?

Hostess's friend: To start off I've had my eyebrows tattooed.

Not really her. That would have been rude.

Me: You're kidding me? Didn't know you could do that. Mind if I get a little closer and look? Well, I'll be damned, so they are. I'll just touch them. Hmmm... that's amazing. Hey. Your eye liner is perfect too.

Joyce: Also tattooed.

Shelley: No S@#$!!!!!!! While I'm up close and personal, anything else you want to share? What about your forehead? Not one wrinkle.

Hostess: More wine?

Me: Wine not? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Cheers! Try frowning. Nope. Nothing. Smooth as a baby's bottom. Look Shelley.

Hostess's friend: Botox. But shhhhhhhh...

Me: Of course. Of course. Sorry. And no lines around your eyes because?

Hostess's friend: Also Botox.

Me: Man.That S@#t is amazing. Freakin' unbelievable! And your lips? Don't tell me. Botox?

Hostess's friend: Correct. Notice anything else about them?

Me: Aside from the fact that your lipstick's perfect? WTF???? No way. They're tattooed too?

Example of tattooed lips.

I know! I was surprised Sarah had this done too.

Hostess: More wine?

Me: FILL 'ER UP!!!!  CHEERS!!!!!! No way. What if you want to change your lipstick colour?

Hostess's friend: Just apply it over the top. Hey, what are you doing? Stop rubbing my lips!!! What the... ?

Me: Just checking, in case you're trying to pull one over on me. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, want to be in a Crack Gang? I'm going to start one. Shelley and I are the first members. I'm the leader because I thought of it.

Hostess's friend: Uhhh....

Me: But you have to show the crack of your bum first. Right Shelley?

Shelley: That's right.

Me: It's because I forgot my belt tonight. Get it? OH! HA! HA! HA! Stand up. STAND UP!!!! There you go.

Hostess's friend: Uhhh.....

Me: Once you show your crack, you're in. Got any more wine? We'll need to toast the new member.

Hostess: Uhhhh....

Me: Never mind. HIAYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Not really me. That's silly. No one can kick that high.

Hostess and Hostess's friend:...

Me: SHELLLEYYYYY!!!!!!! Did you see where I kicked her? Right in the... OH! HA! HA! HA! Right in the... OH! HA! HA! HA! She never even made an attempt to block my Kung Fu Kick. Didn't even twitch.  What is up with that???? OH! HA! HA! HA!  

Shelley: She's sober. Time to go.

Me: Good call. We're sooooo out of here. What a fake. Just like the rest of her.

Shelley and John

Did Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Have Frostbite?

John and I recently went snowboarding on Mt. Washington. Mt. Washington, Vancouver Island. The sun was out, but it was cold. So cold, that by the time we reached the top of the mountain, we had covered our faces. I learned the importance of protecting exposed skin from extremely low temperatures at the ripe old age of eight. At that time, we lived in Bentley, Alberta. Despite Bentley's bitterly cold winters, we kids still spent hours outside playing. The day I learned my lesson, was no exception. After skating on a frozen pond for the entire afternoon, I remember heading back to my house, shedding my snow gear and running into the bathroom.

Me: OH! NOOOOOO!!!!!! MY NOSE!!! MY NOSE!!!!! AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Mom: What? What? What's wrong?

Me: It's my nose! Look!

Mom: Jesus Christ Shelley. You scared the Hell out of me. Unless you're dying, don't you ever make that kind of noise again.

Me: I. Am. Dying.

Mom: Oh for God's sake. In a few minutes it will soften and the colour will change from waxy white to red. You've been through this before.

Me: Wahhhhh!!!!!!!  It's turning hard and black.

Mom: Let me see. Ahhh... You're right.

Me: What am I going to do?

Mom: There's not much you can do. You'll have to let it run it's course.

Me: But it's so ugly.

Mom: You can barely notice it.

Me: I CAN!!!!!!!!  

Mom: Shelley. Stop making a fuss. It will be better in a couple of days.

Me: But tomorrow's Monday. Which means school. I'm not going.

Mom: Of course you are. You can't miss school because of a frozen nose.

Me: But as soon as the kids see me, they'll make fun of me. They'll call me Rudolph.

My sister, Shannon: Rudolph!

Me: Shut up!!!!! See????

Shannon:... the red nosed reindeer...

Mom: Shannon! Stop it. Shelley! Rudolph did not have frostbite.

Shelley: I don't care. I'm not going.

Mom: You are going to school. I'll call the teacher and ask her to tell the kids not to say anything.

Me: A lot of good that will do. She won't be around for recess. I'm still not going.

Mom: Oh yes you are.

Me: Oh no I'm not.

Mom: Now listen here... What the Hell? Stephen, Shenley, what's in your hands?

Stephen: Coins. We dug them up in the basement.

Shenley: With our diggers.

Me: You can't make me.

Mom: I sure as Hell can. Boys, you need to pass mommy those coins. They are special collector's coins. Daddy and I buried them to keep them safe.

Stephen: But we found them. That means they're ours. Right, Shenley?

Shenley: Yep.

Me: If you loved me, you wouldn't make me go.

Shannon: I'm not going to school if Shelley doesn't have to.

Mom: God damn it!  Both of you are going to school. And you two boys are going to give me back those coins. That's the end of it.

Shannon, Shelley, Shenley, Stephen

But it wasn't.

The battle raged on for hours, days, weeks. I'm kidding. But, you get the picture. Eventually, I agreed to go to school. Only because I thought of a way to slip into my classroom without drawing attention to my nose.

Based on stories from my childhood.

Shelley and John

How to Make Yourself Heard? Honestly, I Have no Idea

Ahhh summer. 

A time for vacationing with family and friends. Sharing a glass of wine, on your deck, while watching the sunset. Joining the Smiths for a family dinner...

Everyone: Thanks for supper, John!!!

Husband John: You're welcome. Game?
Mom: Just a quick one. We're pretty tired.

Daughter-in-law Ash: Here's your tea, Shenley.
Brother Shenley: No. I asked for green tea. That's brown... and foamy... like mud. I can't drink that.
Ash: Right? Shelley made it from powder. It does look kind of funny. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley (me): Don't be silly. It's from Japan.
Shenley: Pretty sure it's not green tea.
Everyone: Drink it! Drink it! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Nephew Dan: WT?? Andrew!
Andrew: I didn't do anything.
Marina (Dan's mom): Stop it boys! 

Son Andrew: Dan! let go of my nipple.

Dan: Heh! Heh! Heh? Yeowwww!

Ash:...
Shenley: West Jet is suspending their flights to the Comox Valley from Edmonton and Calgary.

Dad: I heard that.

John: Shelley, while I get the cards, why don't you explain the game?
Shelley: (No. Absolutely not. Remember what happened to Shenley at Christmas when he tried to take the family picture? Please don't make me. http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2011/12/smith-christmas-tradition-3-how-to-take.html ) Why don't I get the cards and you explain? After all you cooked supper. You've done enough.
John:  (No. Absolutely not.  I do remember what happened to Shenley at Christmas when he tried to take the family picture. I'll make it up to you. Anything. I promise.) No. No. Sit. Sit. I'm already up. I insist.
Shelley: (Fine. But remember, you promised  ANYTHING) Ahhhh... So, the way you play this game is...
Mom: One deck gets dealt to four people.
Shelley: Thanks. That's right. But...

Ash:...
Andrew: Dan. Look at you champ. Eating the pork chop right out of your hands. You go buddy!
Dan: Mmmm. Chomp. Chomp. Soooo good.
Marina: Lord Jesus son. Do you want me to smack you? You just touched all those dirty coins. Go and get a fork.
Dan: Mmmphh?
Andrew: Gross. Right Auntie Marina?
Marina: Go. Now!

Ash:...
Shelley: But before you deal, you each need to throw a coin in the pot and then...
Mom: If you win you get to be the dealer.
Shenley: Guaranteed the value of real estate is going to go down when that happens.
Dad: That is not good news. Why is West Jet pulling the plug?
Andrew: Dan! Don't touch me with those dirty hands.
Dan: Like this? Googly!! Googly!!!
Andrew: Hey! You put grease on my shirt. I love this shirt.
Dan: Ow! Ow! Mom. Andrew just pinched me.
Marina: Andrew!!!

Ash:...
Andrew: What? He touched me with those grubby hands first.
Dan: OUCH!!! Mom! Don't hit me!
Marina: I'll more than hit you, if you don't stop.
Shelley: It's sort of like...
Mom: And, you can make up your own rules.

Ash:...

Shenley: It's because the city council sits on initiatives so people give up.
Dad: Longlands might be taken over by Crown Isle. 

Shelley:... like Bingo.
Mom: OK. Let's start.
Andrew: But, I don't know how to play.           

Ash: Because you weren't listening.
Andrew: Ash. That's not fair. Do you know how?
Ash: I have no idea.
Marina: Don't worry. We've all played before. We'll help you.
John: Right. I've got everything we need. Ready?
Shelley: Absolutely. Let's do this.
Andrew: Why don't we play spoons? Everyone knows how to play spoons.

Shelley and John

PS: I copy and pasted the following from:  http://www.retireinstyleblog.com/

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