What to do When a Cougar Attacks

During the summer, numerous incidents of cougar sightings and attacks were reported on Vancouver Island. So, when I suggested that we fish off a point in the village of Sayward, Vancouver Island, John's response was no surprise.

John: Absolutely not. We are not fishing from there.

Shelley: Why not?
John: You heard Dan (campground owner). There's a female cougar out there that's not quite right in the head.

Shelley: You're not quite right in the head.
John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Come on. We've been fishing from the dock all day and haven't even had one nibble. The whole point of this trip was to catch fish.

John: The Conservation guys and the RCMP are out there now trying to track and kill it. I am not going to get between them and a cougar.
Shelley: They've been tracking it down for at least four hours now. No way will it be anywhere near the point. God, you always find something to panic about.
John: No.
Shelley: I have an idea. You saw that couple hike past us and go into the woods, right?
John: Shelley, I know where you are going with this. No.
Shelley: If we don't hear anything in the next 20 minutes, we go and join them. Deal?
John: Jesus Christ Shelley. No. I'll buy you a fish.
Shelley: Not the same. When Jason took us out to the point he carried his machete and you felt perfectly safe.

 How about we borrow Dan's machete? I already asked him. What about that?
John: A - I did not feel perfectly safe, and 
B- What does Jason know? He's only lived here for 8 years. No. 
Shelley: You can carry it.

John: No. 
Shelley: I'll even go first.  
John: Do you know what to do if a cougar attacks?

Shelley: Of course. Run. Hopefully faster than you. Ha! Ha!

John: Ha! Ha! No. That is not correct. 

Shelley: Oh for God's sake. I'm kidding. I know not to run. You worry about everything. Look, we just spent three days at Crest Creek Crags climbing despite the fact that there are always bears in that area. This is no different.

John: The difference is I'm not going out there. Not a chance...

Back in Comox, I checked out cougars on the following site http://www.env.gov.bc.ca/wld/documents/cougsf.htm
 and...

HOLY S@#$!!!!!! THOSE COUGARS ARE BAD ASS!!!

I now solemnly swear the next time we are out in the woods I will never:  
1. Make fun of John's survival instincts.
2. Whisper, say, yell, "What was that?" or "Did you hear that?" and "Is that what I think it is?" 
3. Take a small branch and gently rub it on the back of John's leg pretending it's a scorpion, spider, snake, etc.
4. Share horror stories about whatever is freaking him out at the time; bears, cougars, scorpions, spiders, snakes, etc.
5. Never, ever leave home without our dog, rocks, sticks, fishing poles, and trusty machete. 
6. Oh and of course, never, ever leave home without John!

I Promise...

Shelley and John

PS: If you do spot a cougar on Vancouver Island, call

(1-800-663-9453)

Summer 2012 Road Trip on Vancouver Island With the Smiths

Before Matt flew to Kuwait, to start his new teaching job, the four Smiths took a road trip to Sayward, Vancouver Island...
Husband John: Let the adventure continue. Fist pump!  Shelley, the best bit is we have both Matt and Andrew with us. Boys, I've been thinking. On this trip I want you to drive the truck while it's towing the fifth wheel. Time to man up.
27 year old Matt: No.
25 year old Andrew: No.
Shelley: No.
John: Why not?
Shelley: Besides the fact that the roads don't have shoulders and they've never driven the truck towing the fifth wheel?
John: You never support me.
Matt: Andrew, one less needle in your arm is more money for your wedding.
Andrew: Good to know.

John: Shelley, see that sign. Hay.

Shelley: Hay.

Matt: Boy, going through Saskatchewan must be a Hell of a good time for you two.

John: Did I tell you about our last trip to Sayward? We caught 8 fish.

Matt: Yes. Dad, and that is why we can't talk every day on the phone. You repeat your stories.
John: You hung up on me the last time I called you and Andrew.
Matt: Oh my God. You had already called us three times that day.
John: But, I had something to tell you.
Matt: What?
John:... Well now that you ask. I can't remember.
Matt: Mom, can you turn off the air con? My gonads are tiny.
Andrew: Pretty sure it's not the air con.

Matt: Ha! Ha!... Hey, stop bugging me.
Andrew: Let's do "rock paper scissors" to see if I leave you alone.
Matt: Andrew! Don't touch me! I mean it.
Andrew: I wasn't. This is touching. Googly. Googly. Matt, why won't you talk to me? We're on a road trip. Last before you go.
Matt: For @#$%s sake! We just spent four days together. There's nothing to talk about.
Andrew: What about...
Matt: Arghhh. Ash would never put up with this @#$%!
Andrew: I'm just going to put the garbage pail on your side.
Matt: No. It's fine where it is.
Andrew: I don't want it on my side. How about in the middle?
Matt: I don't want it in the middle. I want it exactly where it was.
Andrew: What's wrong with you? Why are you so grumpy?
Matt: I just want to read my comics. For the love of God. Mom!!
Shelley: Baby carrots anyone?

Matt: Andrew, can you chew louder?
Andrew: Sniff. Sniff. Gak. Gak. Look at this carrot. It's going to be sooo loud.

Matt: Why did I agree to this trip?
Shelley: I have an idea. Let's see whose carrot lasts the longest.
John: That's what she said.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
John: Look! There's a field full of bison.

Matt and Andrew: Dad!!! You need to drive and let us look.
John: But, I've never seen bison there before.
Andrew: Do you know how to tell the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
John and Shelley: You can't wash your hands in a bison.
Andrew, Shelley, John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt: Holy @#$%! How much longer?
John: Time to listen to my podcast. I need to set the station at 105.1. Just give me a sec. and...
Matt and Andrew: Mom! You do it, so dad doesn't kill us.
Shelley: Do you promise to stop bickering?
Matt and Andrew: Yes, Mother Dearest.
Shelley: And, then go to sleep?

Matt and Andrew: Yes, Mother Dearest.

Shelley: I know what that means.
Matt, Andrew and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
                        Night times...

Matt: Andrew, for the love of God. Play.
Andrew: I don't appreicate your tone, Matt.
Matt: That's it. I quit.
John, Shelley, Andrew: You can't quit. This is a fishing holiday.
Matt: Trust me the fish are on a $#%^ing holiday.

Bedtimes...
Matt: Andrew, I want to sleep on this bed.

Andrew: Get off it Matt. That's my bed.
Matt: We need to take turns. It's called sharing.
Andrew: No. We never agreed.  Besides, I really, really love this bed.
Matt: Andrew, you're such an Asshole. You're just doing that because I want this one. We're switching.

Andrew: Not a chance. I slept on that bed for 3 nights. It's your turn.
Matt: That's such BS. You slept on it for one night.
Andrew: Not if you count last summer.
Matt: Fine. I'm, going to bed to read my comics.
Andrew:...  Matt.
Matt:...
Andrew: Matt.
Matt: Andrew! Go to sleep.
Andrew: OK. We can switch. If you really, really...
John: Shelley, the best bit is we have both Matt and Andrew with us. 

Shelley and John

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Happy 145th Birthday Canada

If it wasn't for my Grade 1 teacher,  I would not be the patriot I am today.

Grade 1 Teacher: That's right Suzy. Patriotism does mean loving your country. And of course Sally, it also means being devoted and loyal to your country. Yes, I do see your hand waving in the air, Shelley, but Suzy and Sally have thoroughly explained patriotism. Now class, one of the first steps of becoming patriotic, is to be able to sing our unofficial National Anthem, "Oh Canada." If you do know the anthem, please go the front of the class.

Shelley: (Races to the front)

Teacher:.... Is there anyone else who knows our anthem?... Anyone?... Ahhh Suzy and Sally. Thank you for volunteering. Thank you so much. So very much. Why don't you girls join Shelley?

Suzy and Sally: (Rise, as one, and glide to the front of the class. Perfect. From their blonde "not a hair out of place" to their black shiny patent leather shoes.)

Teacher: Now Shelley, are you sure you know all of the words? Because...

Shelley: Yes, Miss.

Teacher: And, you can sing the entire anthem? Otherwise...

Shelley: Yes, Miss.

Teacher: Otherwise, it's OK if you would like to change your mind and sit down. Maybe...
Shelley: No, Miss,
Teacher: Maybe, the twins can sing the anthem with you. That way...

Shelley: No, Miss.

Teacher: .... Of course not. What was I thinking? Well then, why don't you go ahead?

Shelley: (Pauses. Coughs delicately. Makes sure all eyes are on her. Begins with a whisper.) Oh Canada. (Louder) Oh Canada! (Louder still) Oh Oh Ca-na-da! (Yelling ) OH CANADA!!!
 (SCREAMS) OH! OH! OH! CA-NA-DA!!!!!...

Teacher: Thank you Shelley. That was very nice.

Shelley: I'm not done yet.

Teacher: Oh, I "am" sorry. Please finish. 

Shelley: (Looks down... looks up through her eye lashes, takes a deep breath and continues with the lowest note she can find) Oh! Canada! Oh! Canada! (Finds the highest note she is capable of) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Canada!!!! (and remarkably finds an even higher note) OH! OH! CA-NA-DA!!!!!  CA-NA-DAAAAAA!!!!! 

Teacher and class:...

Shelley: Thank you. (The patriot returns to her seat.)

Please play on low volume as you finish reading:

46 years on, I am still as patriotic as ever. So, on Sunday, my family and friends joined John and I, to celebrate Canada Day.

We hiked,

played frisbee golf,

sledded,

                                 
                                    
                                    

white water kayaked,

Ha!  Ha! Kidding. You've got to be crazy to do that!!!!

played football,

biked,

 played basketball,

and bocce, for a total of 

7 activities!!!!!!!!!

Now that's patriotism!

Shelley and John

He Said She Said

We're back on Vancouver Island. 

 

Before heading to Comox Valley, we caught up with my sister, Shannon, brother- in- law, Keith and nephew, Logan in Victoria...

Shannon: Did I tell you about the time Auntie Gayle and her family came to visit? Gawd, what a fuss that ungrateful bunch made. Over nothing.
Keith: It wasn't nothing.

Shelley: Why? What happened?

Shannon: They came to Victoria for a one day, whirlwind trip which "I" had planned perfectly - wine tasting tours, a picnic lunch with french bread, four types of cheese, and seasonal fruit. It was awesome until on the way back to Sooke, when I asked everyone whether they wanted to take the scenic route through Port Renfrew, or the Malahat (Red route directly south from Duncan.)

Duncan (East of 18) is wine tasting country. Home is Sooke (14). Pass Lake Cowachin , then head south west for Port Renfrew.

Shelley: And?

Shannon: Everyone but Gayle, started yelling at the same time. What a racket. I couldn't understand a word. Usually, my co-pilot helps me out but, Gayle doesn't hear very well. So, I was on my own. I remember thinking, "To Hell with it.", made an executive decision and turned onto the scenic route. 

Keith: Shannon. That's not quite right. Nobody chose the three hour ride over the half hour return.

Shannon: Well, all "I" heard was noise. Anyway, as I said, I turned right. It was done. Always wanted to try that road.

Shelley: Ha! Ha! How’d that go?

Keith: Not so good. Everyone hated it.

Shannon and Keith

Shannon: If they had sat back and enjoyed the beautiful scenery, they would have loved it. Instead, the back seat didn't stop bitching and whining the entire time. Can you believe, at one point, Uncle Jim accused me of violating his rights, because his vote was ignored? He said it felt like he had been kidnapped. Christ. How ridiculous is that? 

Shelley: Ha! Ha! Keith? 

Keith: It was awful. The plan was that we would bring them back to the house for a nice leisurely barbeque and have plenty of time for them to make the ferry.

Shannon: Jesus. They had their barbeque and made the ferry. What was the big deal?

Keith: The big deal was, you floored it once you realized how long the scenic route was taking. Imagine, a three hour roller coaster ride.

Shannon: Oh for God’s sake. You say "I" exaggerate. Logan, you loved it. Right Logie?

Logan: Longest 7 hours of my life.

Logan and Keith

Shannon: Whatever. Auntie Gayle said it was one of her best trips. Ever. "She" can come again.

Shelley and John