Getting Old is Not for Sissies

Me: Doctor, I read that your ears and nose continue to grow as you get older. Quite frankly, that scares me. A lot. Have you seen the size of my nose?

Doctor: Ha! Ha! Relax. That's not quite accurate. Your ears don't grow longer, they just lose their elasticity. Imagine what your ears would look like now if you had used those plug earrings. Ha! Ha!  And, as for the nose, it doesn't get any wider, it gets longer. Like a hook. Not much you can do about that either, though, unless you are willing to pay the big bucks for plastic surgery. Are you?

Me: Not on this budget.
Doctor: Any other concerns?
Me: My eyes are progressively getting weaker. My right eye is already at plus five.

Doctor: Perfectly normal.
Me: But if this keeps up, I'll eventually be blind.
Doctor: That's a little melodramatic, don't you think? Any other concerns?
Me: My hair is falling out. Every morning I sweep it off the pillow.

Doctor: Perfectly normal too. Over  50% of the women, who are menopausal, lose their hair.
Me: Perfectly normal? But, I don't want to go bald.
Doctor: (Points to his head) Look at me. Do you think "I "want to go bald?
Me: What? No. But, at least you look trendy with it cut short.
Doctor: That's a very sexist thing to say. Maybe you could shave yours, like Sinead O'Conner.
Me: From the 80's? But, she shaved a full head of hair. And, it looked awful. What about vitamins?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me: A prescription?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me:What then?
Doctor: Rogaine.
Me: Rogaine? The stuff John tried 25 years ago? The stuff that makes your hair greasy and leaves clumps of black gooey stuff everywhere as soon as you stop using it? No thanks.
Doctor: Don't panic. You won't completely go bald, it will grow back like peach fuzz.
Me: Peach fuzz?
Doctor: (Looks at his watch) Any other concerns?
Me: My knee. It blew up a couple of times during the winter.

Doctor: RICE. Rest, ice, compress and elevate.
Me:I know that, but...
Doctor: You need to know that it will get worse. Much worse. So bad that you won't be able to walk on it without excruciating pain.
Me: Wow! Will Glucosamine sulfate help protect the cartilage?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me:Vitamin D?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me: Vitamin C. Surely Vitamin C will...
Doctor: Won't work. Waste of money. At some point you'll have to go under the knife. Any other concerns?
Me: My menopause subscription refilled. But, it's not vey effective and I'm still having hot flashes powerful enough to light up this office.

I can deal with the flashes. But, I can't sleep and I'm pretty sure that guzzling Nyquil is not the answer. And, much worse,  if I do have wine that night, so I can sleep, I lie in bed worrying that I'm drinking too much.
Doctor: Double your medication.
Me: But, it's over 60 dollars a month.
Doctor: We'll change it. Did you know the prescription is actually for birth control pills? I can give you the kind where you can become pregnant.
Me: At 51?
Doctor: Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Any other concerns?

Me: Guess there's nothing you can do about memory loss.

Doctor: What? I forgot what you just said. Just playing with you. Ha! Ha! Perfectly normal. So, if that's about it, we'll see you next year.

Shelley and John