The Princess and the California Redwoods

While visiting an Information Centre in the Californian Redwoods, we watched "Climbing the Redwoods," a National Geographic documentary. 

It follows conservationists Mike Fay and Lindsey Holms, as they hike over 1,800 miles, for 333 days, researching the Redwoods. I get the research bit. Totally. 

What I don't get is, the fact that they lived the entire time in a tent, in a rain forest, that averages 40 inches of rain, per month. Can you imagine what that would have been like? I can...

4:00 P.M. April 15th, California Redwoods

Look at the tires!

Day 1 of Research...

Shelley: Wow! I am just overwhelmed by these magnificent giants.

Mike (Fay): Me too. Coffee?
Shelley: Tea, thanks.
Mike: Should we continue? Branches...

Shelley: One, two.... and, that makes eight hundred and sixty- three. 

Mike: Are you sure? It's just that scientific data demands accuracy.

Shelley: You're right. I better count again.

Day 2 of Research...

Mike: We should be able to finish this transect by the end of today. 

Shelley: Speaking of, I have an idea. Why don’t we split up? It'll get us out of the rain earlier.

Mike: Ahhh...., if you really think it’s a good idea...

Shelley: Not a good idea, Mike. A great idea.

Day 3 of Research...

Mike: Thanks for stopping early to make lunch. I’ll help you after we eat.

Shelley: No need. All done.

Mike: Wow. You're very efficient. 

Shelley: Very.

Mike: I hate for this to sound like a criticism, but, are you sure your data is accurate?

Shelley: Yes. Mike.

Day 4 of Research...

Shelley: WTF?? Is that a hut? We stayed in a tent, in the pouring rain, with a hut less than fifty yards away? Are you freakin' kidding me?
Mike: Maybe some coffee to warm you up?
Shelley: I hate coffee. 

Day 5 of Research...
Shelley: For the last time, I am not going through that patch of poison ivy.

Mike: But...

Shelley: Not happening, Mike. As scientists, I say we make an educated scientific guess. An hypothesis, if you will. 

Mike: But...

Shelley: Not scientifically sound enough for you? Then, by all means, have at it.

Day 6 of Research...

Mike: (Sing songy) Morning. You should see these beauties in the rain. Coffee?

Shelley: I hate coffee.
Mike: Oh. Silly me. I keep for...
Shelley: Don't talk.

Day 7 of Research...

Shelley: Aieee!!!! These @#$@ing mosquitoes!!! They're all over me!!! .... There. Much better.

Mike: SHELLEY!!!! We agreed. No pesticides!
Shelley: Relax. It's organic.

Day 8 of Research...
Shelley: Arghhhhh. @#$%@#$%!!!! @#$%@%$#!!!! That's it! I QUIT!!!!!
Mike: What? Why?
Shelley: Seriously? Are you blind? This #$%#ing endless rain is driving me crazy. I'm wet. I'm cold. Everything is wet and cold. I need sunshine, a hot bath and TEA. Not coffee. I HATE COFFEE! IT'S TEA! MIKE! TEA! 

Mike: But, you said you loved the challenge of living in a rain forest. 

Shelley: I lied, Mike.

Mike: The research? Did you lie about that too?

Shelley: Of course not. "That" I could have handled, if you weren’t so @#$* ing meticulous about "every" @#$* ing detail. So what if we make a little mistake here and there. So @#$* ing what! They’re trees, Mike. #@#$ing trees!! Last time I looked, they're protected and not going anywhere. 

Mike: But we’re scientists. Our data needs to be...

Shelley: Not finished, Mike. And what is it with that sing songy voice in the mornings? Are you on drugs? Because maybe, if you had shared some of those happy pills with me, I might still be in.
Mike: Of course not. I...

Shelley: Shhhh.....Still not finished. The fact that you insist we take our shoes off every @#$#ing time we cross a stream, because they might rot, makes me think that you are quite possibly insane. Are you insane, Mike? 

Mike: Why don't you sit by the fire, and warm up while I pack your gear?
Shelley: Now you're talking, Mike.

Shelley and John

She Loved me Like a Rock Oh Baby, She Loved me

You need to appreciate that after 6 months on the road and currently at the end of 14 hours of driving from Pismo Beach to The Californian Red Woods, in two days, we were scraping the bottom of the barrel for stories...

Shelley: And that's what happened in Grade 2. Want to hear what happened in Grade 3?

John: Do I have a choice?

Shelley: Ha! Ha! So, picture me, "the" most adored, loved, model student ever, think teacher's pet, listening attentively to my teacher. But, despite the fact that I was enjoying the story, and wanted to please her, I became restless and started to fidget. At one point, I slumped low in my desk and spotted my comb. Immediately, I began grooming. Once finished, I wrapped my long bangs around the comb, and rolled bangs and combs as tightly as I could, up to my hair line. Like this...

It was a terrible decision, because, when I tried to unwind it, nothing happened. Hair and comb were hopelessly tangled. Just my luck, that's when my teacher spotted me. I know what was going through her mind as she watched me struggle.

Teacher: Dear God. What "is" she doing?

Shelley: Panicked, I covered the rat's nest with one hand, tugged with the other, and smiled.

Teacher: Look at that smile. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She doesn’t fool me one little bit. She is definitely up to something. But what?

Shelley: She was three rows away. More tugging. More pulling. But, nothing worked. Nothing!

Teacher: Why in the world is she pulling on her bangs? 

Shelley: With two rows to go, I was frantic. But, the damn thing wouldn’t budge. 

Teacher: Whatever she’s trying to do, it’s definitely not working.

Shelley: She reached me. 

Teacher: Oh. My. God. How did she do that? Never mind, I am not going to ask. Unbelievable.

Shelley: By this time, my eyes were darting around, I could barely breathe and sweat was pouring off me.

Teacher: Oh boy. She’s worked herself into a real state. Not as bad as yesterday, though, when I woke her during the math lesson. 

Shelley: I was cornered. 

Teacher: Can't wait to see how she plays this one out.

Shelley: I asked for permission to go to the bathroom. No way was she going to say “no.” Too much of a risk.

Teacher: Is she kidding me? If I let her go, guaranteed she won’t be back before the end of recess.

Shelley: Denied. 

Teacher: Bet she goes for the “panic toilet” move. Wait for it. Wait for it. And...and....there it is.

Shelley: I scrunched up my face, jiggled, and tapped my feet.

Teacher: Her acting skills have definitely improved. The new jiggling move, very effective. And now, the finale....

Shelley: “Please Miss. May I go? Please. I’m not sure if I can wait until recess. Please. Oh. Oh. Please.” 

Teacher: Can’t help but think of the orphanage scene from, “Oliver.” 

Shelley: Of course I fooled her. Chunks of hair came out. But, I didn’t care. The comb was free and I "knew" I was still her most favourite. Ever. And, as her favourite, I was confident she wouldn't mind if I went to recess early. You know, she resigned half way through the year. Never could figure out why. 

Resonable Facsimile of Shelley

Shelley and John

Texting for Dummies

Good bye... 

Palm Springs,

Marilyn Monroe,

Elvis,

and Joshua Tree.

Hello 7 hours of driving....
Shelley: I'm going to text Andrew..... Hmmmm..... Let's see.... No.... No... Aha!... No.... That didn't work.... Maybe, if I... Nope.... Oh! I know.... I need to.... YES!!!!!!!!.... No.... I'll just hit that button and... Hmmmm... Change of plan... I'll call him.
John: Oh. My. God. You're driving me crazy.
Shelley: What? Why?

John: You don't know how to use the cell phone. 

Shelley: Yes I do.

John: No you don't. You're lucky if you can turn it on. And, when you do, you stare at it with a puzzled expression, randomly hit buttons, until you eventually find what you want.

Shelley: Why do you care? 

John: I wish I didn't. Let me give you a lesson on how to use the phone.

Shelley: Now?

John: Now.

Shelley: But you're driving in Northern LA, on a 7 lane highway, at 55 miles per hour, with a house attached to your butt.

John: Trust me. I don't even need to look. Please. For me.
Shelley: Well, if that's the only thing I do that drives you crazy. Go.
John: I didn't say that was the only thing.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! Go.

John: First, you need to open the phone.
Shelley: Funny. Go.
John: Select messaging, new message, text message. It will say, "Who?" Go to contacts. Select a contact by...
Shelley: Stop. I can do that...whoops. Apparently I can't. Hang on. Start again. Go.
John: From the start?
Shelley: Yes. Go.
John: Jesus Christ, Shelley. I just told you...
Shelley: John. There's no way I can remember all of that. Go.
John: (Deep breath) OK, first you need to (Waahhhh... mowahhh... wahhhhh) and "send." Got it?
Shelley: Got it.
John: Now you try.
Shelley: No one to text. But don't worry. It's all up here. 
John: OMG. You don't have a clue do you?
Shelley: Don't be silly. Of course I do. But, I have to admit, when you said, "contacts," it made me think about how my contacts were itching my eyes. Then, I wondered whether or not I had enough contacts to make it home. Thinking of home, I remembered that we need to buy a new fridge. I had to decide, "White or stainless steel?" Shelley said stainless steel was a pain in the Ass, and pricey. So, white it will be. Next, I thought, "Note to self, write Marina and ask her to keep an eye out for sales." By that time, you asked me, "Got it?" So, there you are. Anyhoo, enough of that. What else do I do that drives you crazy? Go.

Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip # 7 Watch "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" together.

It was movie night.

0 Minutes in...

John: How about “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy?” 

Shelley: Good choice. It's a spy movie. Read the book twenty years ago.
John: Drink?

10 minutes in…

John: Hey, that guy plays Sherlock Holmes from the latest miniseries. And, that’s the actor from “Snatch." There’s Colin Firth. Isn’t that…

Shelley: Shhhhhh.......

20 minutes in…

John: What are they talking about?

Shelley: Not a clue.

John: You read the book.

Shelley: I know, but I forgot everything. And, you keep talking when they’re talking. So, I keep missing what’s going on. Shhhhhh!!!

30 minutes in…

John: For @#$# sake. What’s happening? 

Shelley: I think, because that brown haired guy was killed in Budapest, those two old boys were fired. One of them is Gary Oldman.

John: And he was nominated for this? 

Shelley: Shhhhhh!!!

40 minutes in…

Shelley: Wait a sec. How does that guy have anything to do with anything?

John: Who knows? Because “I” haven’t read the book.

Shelley: OMG! It was a long time ago. Shhhhhh!!!

50 minutes in…

Shelley: Aha! When Gary Oldman wears the red glasses, it’s a flashback. And, when he wears the black ones, it’s present day.

John: So, what’s happening?

Shelley: Beats me. But, help me, or Shhhhhh!!!

60 minutes in…

Shelley: This movie is so confusing.

John: Worst movie ever. You told me this was a spy movie.  That means an action movie. An action movie has little or no dialogue, chase scenes, shooting, maybe knifing, things blowing up and lots of people dying. Only one person has died in this movie and we're an hour in. 

Shelley: Jesus. Are you going to help me figure this out or not? 

John: Not. I'm done.

Shelley: Fine. Shhhhhh!!!

1 hour 10 minutes in…

John: Drink?

Shelley: Wine not? Ha! Ha! Get it?

John: More than this stupid movie.

Shelley: Shhhhhh!!!

1 hour and 20 minutes in…

Shelley: Who’s she????

John: Who cares?

Shelley: Shhhhhh!!!

1 hour and 30 minutes in…

Shelley: I thought that guy was dead. 

John: I wish “I” was dead.

Shelley: Shhhhhh!!!

1 hour and 40 minutes in…

John: I’m just going to shut my eyes and listen.  

Shelley: Open your eyes. Quick! Someone’s going to be shot! Sorry, same shooting scene from the beginning.

John: Shhhhhh!!!

Shelley: Ha! Ha!

 

1 hour and 50 minutes in…

John: The battery is dying. Have to turn it off.

Shelley: No! Don't you dare. Don’t you want to know who the mole is?

John: No.

2 hours in…

Shelley: WHAT????? HE’S THE MOLE???  Jesus. I don't get it. I really don't get it. I thought, because I read the book, I would remember at least the main idea. But, nothing. No memory of anything. I wasted two hours of my life trying to figure out this stupid, hyped up, dumb movie. Arghhhh!!!! So frustrating. 

John: I told you to turn it off. But, oh no, you insisted on watching the entire thing.

Shelley: What. Did. You. Just. Say?

John:…. I said, “Why don’t we call one of the boys. I bet they’ve seen it.”

 Shelley and John

How to Take the Perfect Picture of a Snake

Golfing not exciting enough for you? 

How about hiking on a "closed to public trail," because two people had died the week before, at the beginning of snake season?

Shelley: Whoa. Stop. There's a snake!

Mom, Dad, John: Where? Where? Where?
Shelley: There. Crossing the path.

Mom: Didn't I just say we should each take a club because there might be snakes on the trail?
Shelley, John, Dad: Yes, mom, mother-in-law, Val.

Shelley: John, did you bring the camera?

Mom:(Passing me) I've got mine. (Snap)

John: Me too. (Snap)
Dad: Wow. That sucker is pretty big.
Mom: It's a baby, Roy. (Snap)

Shelley: Mom! Don't get so close. It might be a rattle snake.
Mom: I want a good picture. (Snap)

Shelley: Dad! Tell mom not to get so close.

Dad: Yah, right. Since when does your mother listen to me?

Mom: Oh for God's sake. (Snap) That's not a rattle snake. It doesn't have a rattle. (Snap. Snap.)

Shelley: Fair enough "Crocodile Dundee." But, you still don't know what kind of snake it is.
Mom: I can tell by it's tongue it's not poisonous. (Snap)

John: Really? It's tongue? Are you kidding me?

Mom: Not at all. (Snap) Also, look at it's head. It's long. Poisonous snakes don't have long narrow heads. (Snap)
Shelley: And you know this from your extensive snake research? Dad: Of course. How silly of us! It's from the phylum, "Idontbiticus," right Val?
Mom: (Snap) What is wrong with all of you? when I was small, I used to play with snakes all the time. (Snap) I was never bitten. (Snap) Not once. (Snap. Snap. Snap)
John: They wouldn't dare.
Mom: Ha! Ha! Ha! (Snap)

Shelley: WT? Did you just throw orange peels at it?
Mom: Yes. (Snap) I want it to coil, so it's head sticks up. Now "that" would make a great picture. (Snap)
John: Oh, it's a vegetarian snake, then?
Dad: No, John. A fruit snake.
John, Dad: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Mom! Stop! Daaaaaad!
Dad: You do realize that when a snake coils, it's in the strike position. Come on Val. That thing can kill you.

Mom: (Snap) You guys are making such a fuss. (Kiss Kiss noises)

Shelley: Seriously? Are you calling it? Don't do that. Please.

Mom:  Ah no. It just slithered into it's den... Hmmm..... if I could just find a stick, then I could use it to pick it up. That.....

Shelley, John, Dad: And we're done.


Would that be exciting enough for you?


Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #6 Be Patient

John wanted to be in Palm Springs. By noon. 
10:30
Shelley: Why don't we sort out my glasses first and then take care of the tires? It won't take long.
What John thinks: "That" is not true. But, she's a little rattled from working on the accounts this morning. Ahhh...
What John says: Great idea.
10:40
Shelley: Hi. I'm Shelley and I need a new pair of glasses. 
Lyndon: Hey. I'm Lyndon.  Do you want to put the new lenses in the old frames?
Shelley: Oh I wish but, I lost them. Just my luck that they were the expensive, progressive ones. 
What John thinks: Noooooo!!! She's going to chat. Please be a no nonsense, non-chatty, kind of salesman.
What John says: Hi.
Lyndon: That is some seriously bad luck. What happened? 
What John thinks: And here we go.

What John says: I'll just sit over here.

Shelley: Well, we were visiting the National White Sands Monument and the next thing I knew, they were gone. We tried to find them, but, (blah blah blah)......
Lyndon: I've never been to (blah blah blah)......
What John thinks: 

What John says: (Nothing. There's no point.)

10:50
Lyndon: Let me show you some frames.
Shelley: OK. But I'm going to warn you that I'm on a strict financial budget, so they can't be too pricey.
What John thinks: But apparently not on a strict time budget. 20 minutes and she hasn't even started. 
What John says: Don't rush. I'll just read this.

Shelley: John, what about these?

What John thinks: Nice.
What John says: Nice.
Shelley: Oh... I just don't know. These?

What John thinks: Also Nice?

What John says: Nice.

Shelley: Ummm. Just not sure. These?

What John thinks: Jesus Christ, Shelley. They all look the same. Just pick a pair and we can still be at the garage to get the new tires by 11:00.

What John says: Take your time. I don't want you to be unhappy with them.
11:00
Lyndon: Shelley, I know that you've tried on only black. But, some people like their glasses to be more neutral. Try these.

Shelley: Look at this hair. Do you really think I worry about being  neutral?
Shelley and Lyndon: Ha! Ha! Ha!

What John thinks: They're killing me.
What John says: I'll just get my book. 

11:10
Shelley: Oh Lyndon, I just can't make up my mind. What about something way out there? Just for fun.
Lyndon: I have just the thing. Wait here....
What John thinks: ( No. Dear. God. No.)
Shelley: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! You "have" to put a pair on with me. John, take our picture? Aren't these hysterical?
What John thinks: (*#$%ing hysterical)
What John says: Hysterical.

11:20
Shelley: I just don't know. Can I try on that first black pair again?
Lyndon: Of course. John, would you like some pistachios?
What John thinks: (Of course I would. It's lunchtime)
What John says: Thank you.
11:25
Shelley: It's down to the red or the black. Which ones?

What John thinks:(I don't care.)
What John says: The red. Definitely the red.
Shelley: It's settled then. I'll take the black ones.

11:30
Shelley: Wasn't that fun? 
What John thinks: Un@#%ing believably fun.
What John say: Wasn't it just?


Shelley and John

S#$% my Husband Thinks - While Rock Climbing

We've just finished a few days of climbing at Red Rock Canyon, (10 miles west of Las Vegas) and Joshua Tree. I know what John says while he climbs, but was curious to know what he thinks. He assured me that his thoughts rarely vary.....

What John thinks: (S#$% I don’t want to go up there. I don’t. If Shelley struggled, I’ll struggle even more.  Jesus Christ. It’s so high. At least 30 meters. Maybe she’ll want to go again. Then, hopefully, we'll run out of time.) 

What John says: Well done. 

Shelley: Thanks. Some of those bolts were at least four meters apart. Crazy Ass scary. 

What John thinks: (S#$%!)

Shelley: But the climb, itself, a 5.7, isn’t too bad. You just have to get used to the idea that it’s sandstone and can break off.

What John thinks:(S#$%!!) 

What John says: Go again, you climbing Goddess, you. 

Shelley: Ha. Don’t be silly. It’s your turn. 

What John thinks: (S#$%!!! I don’t want to do this.)

What John says: OK. But, if I say "I’m done." I’m done. I mean it. 

Shelley: Of course. Now, get up there, baby.

What John thinks:........ (OK. I’m off the ground. ...........S#$%!!!! My knot's undone! I’m going to slide off the end of the rope!)

What John says: My knot's undone. 

Shelley: That’s just the tail. Tie it up. Dai jo buh desu ka?

What John thinks: (Now I have to try to speak Japanese and get up this #@$@ing cliff too?) 

What John says: Dai jo buh desu. 

Shelley: ……... Wow John! You flew over that first half. Looking good. 

What John thinks: (I’ve run out of holds. My feet are too big. There’s nothing for my hands. I am going to fall! I am going to die! Tighten. Tighten! TIGHTEN!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!! HAVE YOU GOT ME???????) 

What John says: Tighten, please.

Shelley: Got you. On your left. There’s a big jug.

What John thinks: (That is not a big jug. THAT IS NOT A BIG JUG!!!!! WHAT THAT IS, IS S#$%!!!!! I WANT OFF !!!!!!!) 

What John says: No. Not working. Coming down. 

Shelley: V-sit.

Kid watching: What a wimp. 

What John thinks: (WHAT...A... LITTLE....SHIT!)

What John says: Hang on…..Let me try ….. S#$%!!!!!!!!!!! Pwuahhhh!  S#$%!!!!!!!!!!! Pwaahhhhssssshhhhh! Whew. Whew…..

Shelley: Yay! That was incredible. You’re almost there.

Follow the blue/green  line down to Shelley, the belayer.

What John thinks: (I shouldn’t have looked down. This climb, plus the 100 meters from the valley, makes ….. S@$%!!!!!! ) 

What John says: Coming down. 

Shelley: But there’s only about 5 meters left. Are you sure?

What John thinks: (Am I "sure? " I have never been more sure in my life. I DO NOT WANT TO FINISH. I DID NOT WANT TO START. JESUS CHRIST SHELLEY! I HATE HEIGHTS. FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS I HAVE HATED CLIMBING! !!!) 

What John says: Of course not. I’m joking. I want to finish. ….MADE IT!!!......First a picture to prove I made it...

Coming down.

Shelley: You were awesome!!!!!!!!
What John thinks: (I am awesome.)

What John says: I am awesome.

Shelley and John