How to Stay Happily Married Tip #10 When Driving to Your Nephew's Wedding, or Anywhere in England for that Matter, Always Bring Your GPS or at Least a Map

Google Maps: Directions to Cleobury Mortimer DY14 8BS, UK  (where our nephew, Richard is to be married) from Egham, UK - 

136 miles. 
Total time: about 2 hours 36 minutes.

10:30

Shelley: Left side! Left side! Holy S#$%!!!! Drive on the left side!

John: Whoahhhh!! 

Shelley: What are you doing?

John: I forgot. Sorry. Sorry.  Did you see the look in that guy's eyes? Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: I saw the whites of that guy's eyes. Jesus. Be careful.

John: That's what she said.
Shelley and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!

11:00

Shelley: Aieeeee!!!!!! Stop! Stop! Don't turn! Car coming from the right!

John: Right. Right. Holy S@#%!!!!!!!! 

Shelley: Oh my God, John, you have to be more careful.

John: You're right. You're right. All right?

Shelley: I guess so. Look both ways before you pull out.

John: That's what she said. 

Shelley and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!

11:30

Shelley: Holy S@#%!!!!!!!!  Left side! Left side! Jesus Christ John! Left side!

John: F@#$$!!!!!!!!  That was close. Much closer than before.

Shelley: WTF? Are you trying to kill us?

John: Of course not. But, look at it this way. That was three near misses. We should be good now. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley:...
John: No?... OK.

12:00
John: What's the junction number we take to get off the M25?
Shelley: 16.
John: And that is for the M?
Shelley: M40.
John: Right.

12:05

John: What's the junction number we take to get off the M25?

Shelley: Hasn't changed. Still M16.

John: For the M5?

Shelley: No. M40.

12:10

John: And the junction number we take to get off is?

Shelley: Holy S@#$!!!! I just told you 5 minutes ago.

John: I just want to make sure. If we take the wrong highway...

Shelley: Stop stressing. I've got the directions. It's under control.

1:00
John: Do we take the M5 North or the M5 South?
Shelley: Hmmm. Not sure.
John: Can you please just look at the directions?
Shelley: I am. It doesn't say. It just says take the M5.
John: What is the next town then?
Shelley: Droitwitch
John: Is it north or south?
Shelley: THIS DOESN'T SAY! THIS IS NOT A MAP! 
John: It's coming up! North or South?
Shelley: I don't know.
John: Quick. Tell me.
Shelley: How am I supposed to...
John: Just @#$%ing tell me!
Shelley: North! Take it. Now!
John: @#$&! I missed it...

1:30
Shelley: What's that pinging sound?
John: @#$%! We're low on gas. We're going to have to turn off the motorway and find a petrol station.

2:00

John: What do the directions say?

Shelley: Ohhhhhhhhhhh...Ahhhhhhhhh...Mmmphhh....

John: Shelley, you've got to help.

Shelley: I can't. I'm sick from these roads. Pull over. NOW!!!!!!!!

2:30
John: Oh my God. The gas light's on too. We're almost out. Where the @$%^ are we?
Shelley: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...

2:45
John: Yesss! There's a petrol station. I'll sort out the petrol. You get the directions.
Shelley: Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
John: Don't mind my wife. She's not working today. We're a bit lost. Can you help us get to Cleobury?
Attendant: Right. Go round the round about, take the second left, over the bridge, past the bank, past the farm, and a white house, where I used to live, right at the T junction, left at the Cock and Fox Pub, through the high street and blah blah blah blah... Got that?

Shelley: Ahhhhhh....What did he say?
John: I have absolutely no idea.

2:30

Shelley: Holy S@#%!!!!!!!! Watch out for that lady crossing the road. 

John: (Winds down window) Sorry. Didn't see you.
Lady: You wanker!!

3:00

Shelley: How fast are you driving?

John: 40.

Shelley: Really? Ahhhhhhh..... Slow down.

John: ...

Shelley: John, I can see what the guy in front of you had for breakfast.

John:...

Shelley: Aieeeeeee!!! Watch out. He's braking!!

John: What an A##$%&*!!! Did you see that? He almost caused an accident. Why do people drive like that? 

3:30
Shelley: OMG. Are we almost there? I'm so sick. 

John: You have the directions. Read them.

Shelley: I can't look down. Besides, they don't make sense. 

John: Just give me the name of one of the towns.

Shelley: But, it doesn't have the names of any towns on it. Just roads and intersections. We should have bought a map or rented the GPS system. But oh no...

John: You told me that you could get us there with that.

Shelley: I did not. Today was the first time I ever saw this useless piece of...

John: Maybe I can figure it out. 

Shelley: Oh. Like that will help. You couldn't find your way out of a paper bag.

John: Is that right, Captain C. Scott?

Shelley: Who?

John: Never mind. We're here!! There's my sister. Smile.

Sister-in-law Wendy: How was your journey?

Shelley and John: Brilliant.

Brother-in law, Brian, Sister-in-law, Wendy, and me, Shelley

3:40

Total Time: About 5 hours.
Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip # 9 Support Your Spouse

Second in his age group.

John and Andrew are competing in a Tough Mudder Competition at the end of June. To prepare, John entered a 10k race a couple of weeks ago. As a loving, supportive wife, I entered too ( even though I haven't ran that far in 8 years.) Not going to lie, it was pretty awful after 7kms. Placing first in my age group, (Don't get too excited. The woman who placed first in the older age group, beat me by 8 minutes) made up for the pain, though.  So much so, that I agreed to run again last Sunday...

0:00:00

Shelley: There are less people here compared to last week. Wonder why?
What John Says: I heard some guy say that Tough Mudder is really tough compared to this.
Shelley: Wonder why? Looks like the course goes around the lake, so it should be nice and flat. Maybe, because it might rain?
What John Says: Must be. Or you'll kill me. Right?
Shelley: Right.
Shelley and John: Oh Ha! Ha! Ha!
Race Starter: OK everybody. There are 2 routes, a 10K and a 6K. The 10K is on a single track. No walkers or runners with strollers. It'll take too long to finish.
Shelley: Too bumpy for them. Right?
What John Says: Right.
Race Starter: Ready. Set. Go!

John and Shelley: (Smooch) Good luck!

0:3:00...
What John Thinks: That's funny. The girl who beat me last week, by five minutes, is way behind me. Wonder why?

What Shelley Thinks: That's funny. The girl who beat me last week, by 10 minutes, is just ahead of me. Wonder why?

0:4:00...
What John Thinks: There's the turn for the 6km. route.
Shelley: There's the turn for the 6km. route. Tempting, but, I am not from Quittersville.

0:5:00...
What John Thinks: Straight up? Great idea.

What Shelley Thinks: STRAIGHT UP!!!!?????  Whose great idea was this?

0:10:00...
What John Thinks: More up? Tough, but definitely doable.
What Shelley Thinks: More up? You're kidding me. This is not a road race. This is a running expedition to the top of a mountain. 

0:15:00...
What John Thinks: If I hop over the roots and trees, I think I can keep my pace.

What Shelley Thinks:  Seriously? Seriously. Roots and trees?

 0:20:00...
What John Thinks: Once the trail widens, I'll pass those three in front of me and pick up the pace.
What Shelley Thinks: If I can just get a little closer to this guy, I think I can draft off him.

0:25:00...
What John Thinks: Feeling good! Nah Nah Nah Nah! Like I know that I would now. So good. Buh. Buh. So good Buh. Buh. Buh. Buh. ....
What Shelley Thinks: @#$%! @#$%! @#$%! @#$%!

0:30:00...
What John Thinks: Whew. All down hill from here. Get it? Ha! Ha! Ha!
What Shelley Thinks: @#$%! it. It's too steep. I'll walk. Fast. No one will ever know.

0:35:00...
What John Thinks: Look out girl in green. I'm going to speed up and catch you.
What Shelley Thinks: Look out. Do not speed up. It's a trap. There's more up.

0:40:00...
What John Thinks: Caught you. Passed you.
What Shelley Thinks: If a cougar or a bear caught me, I would thank them.

0:45:00...
What John Thinks: Thank God. Finally around the end of the lake. Getting really tired. But almost home.
What Shelley Thinks: Why God?

0:51:55...
What John Thinks: Huh? The girl in green just passed me back. Oh well. She just had a baby half a year ago. Give it to her.

What Shelley Thinks: Huh? The girl in blue just passed me. WTF?  The guy running with her doesn't have a bib on. He's pacing her. Unbelievable. What is this? An Olympic qualifier????? CHEATERSSSS!!!

0:52:00...
What John Thinks: Done! What? Only 30 seconds more than last week. It felt good, even with the mountain climb.

What Shelley thinks: @#$%! I bet John's done... @#$%!  Last week I was done by now. @#$%!

0:57:00...
What John Thinks: Where is she?
What Shelley Thinks: Where is the @#$%ing finish line?

0:58:00...
What John Thinks: She's going to kill me.
What Shelley Thinks: I'm. Going. To. Kill. Him.

0:60:00...
What John Thinks: Hope she's OK.
What Shelley Thinks: I am not OK. I have a stitch! No. Make that two stitches! My knee hurts. No. That part's not true. I have blisters. Also, not true. Didn't a healthy 21 year old girl drop dead of a heart attack last week? For no reason?

0:62:00...
John: Way to go, Shelley! You finished so strong.
Shelley: ..........
John: Here's some water.

Shelley: ..........
John: Some muffins.
Shelley: ..........
John: Some fruit.
Shelley: .......... 
John: Good thing it didn't rain, right?
Shelley: .......... 
John: Hey, about next week's race.
Shelley: ..........
John: Too soon?

Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #8 Do a Bathroom Renovation Together... With Help of Course

Want to stay happily married? Try a DIY Bathroom reno. together. Really. How hard can it be?

Day 1 of the bathroom renovation...
Shelley: Are you sure you know how to do that? Should we call Shenley for help?
John: Yes, I "know" how to take down towel racks and cabinets. No, we "don't" need to call Shenley. Have a little faith. Jesus Christ Shelley.

Shelley: Sorry. Sorry. What's next?
John: We need to take out the vanity... which is attached to the wall...and the plumbing.
Shelley:...
John:...

Shelley: What are you doing?

John: Calling Shenley.

Day 2 of the bathroom renovation...

John: This is taking way longer than I wanted it to. And, all this mess annoys me. I can't even walk through the hall without bumping into something. Stop walking. You're tracking dust every where.

Shelley: I'm painting. Not walking. Stop it! You're annoyed because it's taking more than one day. The upstairs took almost 10 weeks. Be reasonable.
John: I am reasonable. I can't help it if I don't like to live in a construction zone.

Day 3 of the bathroom renovation...
Shenley: Oh darn. Do you have any DAP?
John: No worries. I'll run to Home Depot and buy some.

Shenley: Oh my goodness. I left my nail gun at home.
John: It'll only take me 10 minutes to get it.

Shenley: Shoot. I thought I had wall screws.
John: I'm already out the door to Home Depot.

Shenley: Sorry John. Let's try that again.
John: It's heartening to know that experienced people don't always get it right the first time.

Shenley: Oh my. Looks like we're out of silicone.
John: Consider it done.

John: Shucks. That didn't work. 

Shenley: That happens some times. Not a big deal. Let's try it again.

Day 5 of the bathroom renovation...

John: @#$*!  It's not tightening because I've got the setting on @#$ing loosen.

Shenley: @#$*! 

Shenley: Push it really hard.

John/Shenley: That's what she said. Heh! Heh! Heh!

Shenley: Oh, you @#$*er!!! It came apart again. This stuff is fragile.

Shelley: But, that's not straight.
Shenley: Yes it is. Look. I'll put the leveler on top. See. It's straight.
Shelley: I'm talking about the screws.
John: No one's going to see them.
Shelley: I will.
John/Shenley:...

Shenley: @#$*! We need to go to Home Depot and get a Pvalve.
John: No... I'll go. I don't know what a @#$*!ing Pvalve is. But, I'll go.

John: Try this. It's faster.

John/Shenley: That's what she said. Heh! Heh! Heh!
Shenley: Son of a @#$*! You @#$*er!!!

Shenley: Just screw it in.

John/Shenley: That's what she said. Heh! Heh! Heh!

Shelley: Ahhhhh!!!  @#$*! It's not there.

John: @#$*! it. I'll go to Home Depot. We should be buying shares in @#$*ing! Home Depot with the amount of money we've dropped there.

Shenley: Get in there.

John/Shenley: That's what she said. Heh! Heh! Heh!

John: (Steps on a bucket and falls back)  @#$*!!!, @#$*!!!, + 10 more.

Shenley: Googly! Googly!
John: Get that thing off me!
John/Shenley: That's what she said. Heh! Heh! Heh!

Shenley: Ya! That @#$*er! is not going anywhere.
Shelley: But, the light...  and the mirror...  and the vanity aren't level. They're uneven.
Shenley: @#$*! The light is off. I checked it with the leveler too. @#$*!
Shelley: Can you fix it?
Shenley: The problem is, if we make another hole, it will be too close to the original hole, and it will lose it's strength.
Shelley:...
Shenley: Look. Maybe if we prop up the mirror by putting this in the clamp it will even everything out more. There. Now it's only off by less than a centimetre. Better?
Shelley:.... Better. Oh Shenley. I'm sorry. I'm such a .... You're right. It's less than a centimetre. No one would notice it unless we told them. We're so grateful that you came and helped us. Of course it's better.

Day 5 4:30 AM

Shelley: I can't sleep. Promise me we'll try to level out the light, the mirror and the vanity.
John: Mmphh?
Shelley: John? I can't sleep unless you promise.
John: For @#$*! sake. I promise. Go to sleep.

Thanks tons and tons Shenley for all of your help and patience!

Shelley and John