Get Your Knickers Off

Shelley: Thanks for helping me make Shenley's Birthday card. Pretty funny, right?

John: Sure was.

Shelley: Marina's card was so romantic. Why don't you give me cards like that?

John: Because you would laugh at me.

Shelley: That's true. How sad is that? John, I don't think we're romantic.

John: Of course we are. I bought you flowers on Andrew's birthday.

Shelley: You picked wild flowers in Joshua Tree National Park.

John: I could have been arrested by a Ranger.

Shelley: Oh please. I have an idea. Let's be romantic for the rest of the evening. Starting now. Kiss me... Euhhh! Why'd you lick my neck?

John: I thought it would be romantic to try something new.

Shelley: It's gross.

John: What if I lightly stroke your arms?

Shelley: No! You're making my skin itchy. 

John: Look deeply into your eyes without blinking?

Shelley: No. That's creepy. Ahhh.... There's no hope.

John: There is. Sit down. I'm going to recite a poem I wrote for you, before we were married. Ahem.

My heart cries out with pain

As you get on that big silver bird in the sky...

WTF? Why are you laughing?

Shelley: You already used "big silver bird in the sky"  in a poem to an ex girlfriend. It's hardly romantic to recycle lines.

John: Why don't you give it a shot, Miss Bronte?

Shelley:  Fine. It might not be perfect. But at least it will be original. 

You are my heart

My heart. My heart.

You are my soul.

My soul. My soul.

My eyes drip with diamond tears

Diamond tears. Diamond tears.

I will do anything for you.

For you. For you.

The end.

John: Heh! Heh! Heh! Come here little lady and prove it.

Shelley: That's so wrong on so many levels.

John: Give us a hug.

Shelley: Ahhhhh...now that's romantic...  Huh! Did you burp in my ear?

John: No. That's rude. Go sit on the couch. I'll get us a drink, set up a movie, and we'll cuddle.

Shelley: OK................................................ That would be my bum.

John: Oh sorry. My hand accidently...

Shelley: Stop groping me.

John: It's not groping. It's...

Shelley: Really? Really? Passing gas? Forget it.

John: Why don't we stop trying to be like Shenley and Marina and be ourselves?

Shelley: You're right. We'll be romantic, Smith style.

 

John: Exactly. Now darling, get your knickers off. Just had 10 pints down at the pub.

Shelley and John 

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #12 DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT SAND DRYWALL TOGETHER

Sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding.................

John: Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley:...

John: Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley:...

John: SIGHHHHHHH.......

Shelley: OK. What's wrong?

John: Nothing's wrong. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: Then why are you sighing?

John: I'm not. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: You just sighed again.

John: I didn't. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: Holy Christ! What is wrong with you?

John: I'm hot. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: Then take off some layers. Get a drink. Jesus.

John: And It's taken over two hours to sand these walls  and we've still not finished the first floor. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: At least it's faster than mudding.

John: I don't care. I don't want to sand any more. I want to build something. Like a deck. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: But look outside. No one's building a deck.

John: Also, I'm hungry. Lunch was supposed to be here an hour and a half ago. You know me. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: I hardly think you are going to starve.

John: You don't know that. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: You're right. But I do know this, if you don't go upstairs or outside, I'm going to lose it.

John: How is that going to change anything? Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: It will change the fact that I won't have to listen to you sighing any more. Go.

John: You are not the boss of me!

Shelley: You are driving me freakin' bat s@#$ crazy!!!!

John: I knew if I told you, you wouldn't understand. That's what you get when you force stuff out of me. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: HO-LEEEE CARAPPPP!!!!!!!! That's it. I've had enough.

John: You've had enough? You've had enough? What about this morning, when I accidently shut the car door on your knee, and you yelled,

" F@#$%er!!" ?

Shelley: It was my bad knee!!!

John: I apologized. Suggested we start over.  But you threw half a peanut butter sandwich on the dash and yelled,

"Enjoy your breakfast!"

Tell you what, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! And if I want to sigh, I'm going to sigh. You are not going to stop me!

SSSSSSIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley: Oh really? See this trawl, SIGHER???  I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS TRAWL, HEAD OVER TO WHERE YOU ARE STANDING AND SIGHING AND...

Chairman of Habitat for Humanity North Island, Ron with Shaw Camera Man: Hi Shelley. John. Don't mind us. We've been filming for Shaw Cable TV. Just pretend that we're not here and carry on with what you were doing.

Sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding.................

 Shelley and John

If you enjoyed tip #12, here's the link to "How to Stay Happily Married Tip #1 Keep Things Even"

I Know that Christmas is for Giving...but

Last week, after finishing our third day of volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, John and I stopped by the grocery store. While checking our goods through, the cashier asked, "Would you be interested in donating to the local food bank?"

We politely declined , "Sorry. Next time."

Although she said, "No problem." Her withering gaze said something else,

"What a couple of stingy A@@ H$%^#s!."

John and I blushed with shame. I rushed to explain, "Actually, these ten items are our donation to a food bank in Ladysmith... For the Cinnamon Fun Run... On Sunday."

Her eyes did not soften. They turned into ice.

I whispered to John, "Let's give her one of the cans."

John whispered back, "Then we'll have to line up again and it's rush hour in here. We're good."

We hastened to pack our groceries, but a perky young girl, who was raising money for her dance team, beat us to it. Making sure Miss Cashier witnessed our generosity, we dropped 2 bucks into the jar. The guy behind us threw in five bucks.

"S#$%!!! "

"Oh my God John. I am so uncomfortable right now. I am having the mother of all mothers of a hot flash. My entire body is dripping in sweat. Let's go back and add three more dollars.

"Shelley, leave it. Next time we come back, we'll give her five."

We slinked towards the exit, but as luck would have it, four Salvation Army Officers were guarding the doors.

John added a Toonie to their collection. They smiled their thanks, but now being super duper paranoid, I swear I could hear their thoughts.

"A Toonie? You are not getting into Heaven with a Toonie, buster. A snowball in Hell would have a better chance than you."

Even though we've continued to donate money to various causes since then, and throughout the year, we can't shake the guilty feeling that we don't give enough or often enough. 

Until tonight.

Tonight, we went to the "FOOD. SHELTER. MUSIC." night at the Waverly Hotel in Cumberland, Vancouver Island. According to "What's on" the entrance fee for the annual money raiser was food donations. However, as we were waiting to donate our cans of food, the woman working the door remarked to the couple ahead of us, " We will gladly accept food, a money donation or both." The husband gave her his food, quickly dug into his wallet and passed over five dollars.

Rookie mistake.

The Smiths handed over a twenty.

Shelley and John

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