Texting for Dummies

Good bye... 

Palm Springs,

Marilyn Monroe,

Elvis,

and Joshua Tree.

Hello 7 hours of driving....
Shelley: I'm going to text Andrew..... Hmmmm..... Let's see.... No.... No... Aha!... No.... That didn't work.... Maybe, if I... Nope.... Oh! I know.... I need to.... YES!!!!!!!!.... No.... I'll just hit that button and... Hmmmm... Change of plan... I'll call him.
John: Oh. My. God. You're driving me crazy.
Shelley: What? Why?

John: You don't know how to use the cell phone. 

Shelley: Yes I do.

John: No you don't. You're lucky if you can turn it on. And, when you do, you stare at it with a puzzled expression, randomly hit buttons, until you eventually find what you want.

Shelley: Why do you care? 

John: I wish I didn't. Let me give you a lesson on how to use the phone.

Shelley: Now?

John: Now.

Shelley: But you're driving in Northern LA, on a 7 lane highway, at 55 miles per hour, with a house attached to your butt.

John: Trust me. I don't even need to look. Please. For me.
Shelley: Well, if that's the only thing I do that drives you crazy. Go.
John: I didn't say that was the only thing.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! Go.

John: First, you need to open the phone.
Shelley: Funny. Go.
John: Select messaging, new message, text message. It will say, "Who?" Go to contacts. Select a contact by...
Shelley: Stop. I can do that...whoops. Apparently I can't. Hang on. Start again. Go.
John: From the start?
Shelley: Yes. Go.
John: Jesus Christ, Shelley. I just told you...
Shelley: John. There's no way I can remember all of that. Go.
John: (Deep breath) OK, first you need to (Waahhhh... mowahhh... wahhhhh) and "send." Got it?
Shelley: Got it.
John: Now you try.
Shelley: No one to text. But don't worry. It's all up here. 
John: OMG. You don't have a clue do you?
Shelley: Don't be silly. Of course I do. But, I have to admit, when you said, "contacts," it made me think about how my contacts were itching my eyes. Then, I wondered whether or not I had enough contacts to make it home. Thinking of home, I remembered that we need to buy a new fridge. I had to decide, "White or stainless steel?" Shelley said stainless steel was a pain in the Ass, and pricey. So, white it will be. Next, I thought, "Note to self, write Marina and ask her to keep an eye out for sales." By that time, you asked me, "Got it?" So, there you are. Anyhoo, enough of that. What else do I do that drives you crazy? Go.

Shelley and John

Why Americans Aren't Spending or Why We Miss SE Asia

We are frequently frustrated by the poor internet connections at our campsites. Inevitably, the following happens...

Andrew:  Dad! I can’t (static) hear you. (static)  typing! 

John: OK. I’m going to try typ... Nooooo!!!!! Skype just froze! I just lost the connection. Arghhhh!!!!  (Insert swear words here. Say them. Say them again.) The (Add more swear words here.) internet just went down. The (And more) phone never has any bars. We have got  to do something or I'm really going to lose it!  I don’t care how much it costs, but we’re going to buy a wifi system. I’m serious. Get dressed. Now. 

Shelley: But it’s ten o’clock at night. 

First attempt.....

We’re first in line, waiting to be served. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. The salesman ignores us and continues to type on his computer. Finally, he looks up.

Salesman: How can I help you? (Looks at his cell phone)

John: We’ve heard that you sell a wifi system that we can use while traveling.

Salesman: One sec. (Smiles as he texts) Sorry. What was that?

John: We’ve heard that you sell a wifi system that we can use while traveling. 

Salesman:(Quick glance at his phone) Uh- huh. Uh- huh. (Points at the rack) Over there. (Doesn’t move)

John: Maybe you could come over there with us to explain the options? 

Salesman: (Finishes typing) Uh. Right. Follow me. There they are. 

John: Can you explain how they work and the different plans?

Salesman: (Chuckling, while peeking at his phone) I’m not really sure. (Texts some more) Why don’t you take a look at one of these pamphlets? (Passes John a pamphlet, checks his phone, smiles, resumes texting) If you do decide to purchase a plan, my name's Rob and I work on commission. 

Repeat opening section. Second attempt in another store.

Store Manager: And that’s basically how the two plans work.

John: I’m sorry. Do you mind writing that down?

Store Manager: (Pained, bored expression) Take care of that Mike.

Shelley: I bet you have a lot of customers who come in here every day asking about these.


Store Manager: Yes. 

Shelley: So.... then, you must know quite a lot about them. Which is good, because I have a few more questions. Can we suspend the contract for 6 continuous months while we are in Canada?

Store Manager: I’m not sure. You’ll have to contact head office and ask them.

Shelley: So... OK. OK. Will we have coverage in Canada too, at least near the border?

Store Manager: I’m not sure. You’ll have to contact head office and ask them.

Shelley: So.....Wait. Hang on a sec. I just need to make sure that I’ve got this right. Even though we have explained to you that our coverage is so unreliable that we frequently lose connections, you still advise us to contact the head office?

Store Manager: That’s correct.

Shelley: So... how do you propose that we contact the head office?

John: Exactly. How do...

Shelley: John, I’ve got this. (Turns to the manager) Can you answer me? Please? (Looks around the empty store) Is it  because you're too busy? 

Store Manager: I told you. It’s not our job. It’s up to the customer.

Shelley: You must be @#$*ing kidding me! 

Store Manager: Lady, I don’t think there is any reason for you raise your voice and use that kind of language.

Shelley: Oh really?....I didn’t think I was. BUT NOW I AM! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? NOBODY HAS COME INTO THIS STORE FOR THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES. I AM ASSUMING THAT YOU ARE ALL WORKING ON COMMISSION, AND EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT, WHY AREN’T ALL THREE OF YOU HUSTLING YOUR ASSES OFF TO SELL ME A @#$*^%&  DEVICE? DO YOU KNOW THAT I OWN SHARES IN THIS @#$ @#$$ COMPANY? IN THEORY, I AM YOUR BOSS. SO, AS YOUR BOSS, GET ON THAT *@#$%^& PHONE AND GET ME SOME ANSWERS. NOW!

Don’t be silly. Didn’t you read the previous blog about Tombstone? They pack guns in this country. We walked out when the manager refused to call the head office. But I wish. How I wish! 


Shelley and John

Why Cell Phones Should be Banned in Public

The night was gloriously warm and peaceful. We decided to sit on the balcony  and enjoy a glass of wine. Then......

“Hi. It’s me Sally. What’s up? I’m on my balcony having a smoke. Thought I’d give you a quick call. I’ve been feeling bad all day. Guess why. Just Guess! No. Eyeuuhhh! Didn’t I tell you that I had my results back for that? It’s all good. Thank God. 

Anyway, where was I? Maybe I shouldn’t  share this. It’s TMI. Now that I think of it, I shouldn’t have told you about my other problem. Seriously, I’m too ashamed to tell you. I can’t. I just can’t. You’ll never forgive me if I don’t tell you? Really? Ok! Ok! I will. Just don’t tell anyone. Promise? 

It’s diarrhea. Can you believe it? First the infection, and now this. I’ve never had it this bad before. I was running to the toilet all day. Jesus, think of the smell! How  embarrassing is that? Hahahaha! Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went to my doctor. No, no, not the hot one. I wish. During one part of the exam, he gently put pressure on my stomach. I was thinking, “Hope he doesn’t push down too hard or I might explode.” 

“You” would have died if something had leaked out? Tell me about it. “I” was the one there. Now “that” would have been the worst. I asked him what I could eat to make it better. What’s that? Cranberries? No! I told you that I got the “all clear” down there. Fiber. I know. I thought that it would make it worse....blah blah blah blah...”