Thanksgiving 2012 What I am Truly Thankful For

My Husband John: Yessss! All done.

Shelley: Johhhhnnnn, I was thinking.

John: That's a first.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! You know how it's almost impossible to walk around Matt's bed, right?

John: No. I do not.
Shelley: Don't be silly. Of course you do. Well, I think we should move the scroll table out of Matt's bedroom into ours and replace it with the side table from the living room.

John: No. We are not moving furniture with less than twenty minutes to go before the kids get here. No. No. And no.

Shelley: It will only take a few minutes. 

John: You said that we were just going to clean.

John: Which I did. I'm done. 

Shelley: Oh come on.
John: I like the scroll table exactly where it is.
Shelley: I don't.
John:...
Shelley: I've been talking about moving it for a while. You know that's true.
John:...
Shelley: What is wrong with you?
John: First of all, you insisted that we sort out the house on the very day we were expecting company, even though we had all week to clean it.
Shelley: I didn't see the point of cleaning the house twice.
John: And every time I had a suggestion, I was never right.
Shelley: That's not true. What a load of rubbish.
John: Really? When I suggested that there was no need to pull the furniture out from the wall and then clean because I did it last week, you refused to believe me.
Shelley: But you weren't telling the truth.
John: That's not the point, I didn't think it was necessary.
Shelley: It was.
John: What was I thinking???  How about when I suggested that I move the furniture and you vacuum behind me?
Shelley: That was a good idea. But my suggestion for you to move the furniture and you to vacuum as I mopped behind you was a much better idea.

John: Of course it was.

Shelley: Anyway, I don't know why you are so grumpy. I'm the one who should be grumpy. When I backed my bum into the counter top and fell to the floor horribly bruised, writhing in pain, you kept on cleaning.
John: That's because I didn't hear you, as I was vacuuming, as instructed by you, which, by the way, you pointed out I was doing incorrectly!!!!

Shelley: You vacuumed the coffee table!
John: Everyone does that! @#$%!!!!
Shelley: With the power head attached? 
John: Many wives would be thankful if their husbands helped them with the cleaning!!! BUT NOT YOU! 
Shelley:...
John:...
Shelley: I am thankful. I really am. But, Shannon (my sister) has a bad back. We really should move the table. Please.

John:...  Where do you want it?

Shelley: Thank you. How about against that wall?

... Ummm. No. That does not work for me... Right here... Uhhh no... That's not right... Maybe over there?... Better... But...

Can you move it a little to the left?... 

No... a little to the right... Hmmm....

John: Jesus Christ Shelley!!!  Can you please make up your mind???
Shelley: Sorry. Sorry. I'm just trying to... hmmm... No....  You know what? You're right. It doesn't work in our bedroom. Not at all. Let's just put it back in Matt's. Shannon can sleep on the other side. See, I do take your suggestions.

Shelley and John

How to Retire and Stay Retired

Yipeeeeeee!!!!  One year of retirement - DONE!!!! But, if John and I continue to spend at our current rate, we might be in a bit of financial trouble in about, oh....10 years.

Therefore, I have been racking my brains on how to sort out our financial dilemma. My list so far:

• Keep buying those lottery tickets twice a week.  Did you know that, "BC/49 is the BC-only lottery that gives you a chance to win $2 million for just $1. And for $1 more, you can also say "yes" to a chance at $500,000 with the Extra?" Did you?  

• With 3 bathroom reno.'s completed in the last year, guess how many "You could Win" surveys from Home Depot, Canadian Tire, Home Hardware, Wal-mart, etc. etc. we've completed. It's  50.  And counting. The odds are so in our favour.

 

Reduce wine, beer, gin and rum consumption. That's silly. 

• Ellen Degeneres finally agrees to have me as a guest on her show. I've just sent her my 6th e-mail explaining why I would be the perfect guest. She'll break soon. 

• Once famous from appearing on Ellen Degeneres, publish my blog. Then, broker an advance deal for my next book. Does anyone know a publisher who might be interested? Then, sell the TV rights. Then, sell the play rights. Then, sell the movie rights. Then, star in it. No. That's taking it too far. Ha! Ha! Seriously though, who wants to act in it with me?

• Become a personal trainer. With 30 years of teaching under my belt, and the majority of those as a PE and Health teacher, this makes a lot of sense.  In fact last summer I practiced my  trainer skills on my next door neighbour...

0 Minutes in...

Shelley: Glad you decided to join me.

Melanie: Thanks for the invite. Where should we go?

Shelley: Why don't you take me on your regular route. Go ahead and set the pace. That way I can evaluate your level of fitness.

Melanie: I don't really have a regular route. I haven't ran for over 2 years.

4 minutes in...

Melanie: Ahhhhhh!  I have a really sharp pain. Right under my rib cage. 

Shelley:  That's a stitch. They can be a little painful. Try to force air into it and stretch that side. OK?

Melanie: No. Not working. 

8 minutes in...

Melanie: My throat. It feels really dry. It's closing up. Is that possible?

12 minutes in...

Melanie: A steel band is squeezing the air out of my lungs.

Shelley: Your lips are a little blue.
Melanie: I probably should have brought my puffer. I'm asthmatic. 

16 minutes in...

Melanie: I'm so sorry. I have to stop. I'm feeling really nauseous. Oh no. I think I'm going to throw up....

Shelley: No. No. No. Sit down here. On the curb. Try to relax. Drop your head. Breath deeply. You'll feel better... Did you eat anything different this morning? 

Melanie: I didn't eat anything in case it would make me sick.

18 minutes in...

Melanie: I'm dizzy. I'm going to faint. But, we're almost home. I think I can make it.

Shelley: No. No. No. Squat down and put your head between your legs. Take deep deep breaths. That's it.

Couple walking by: Is she OK? 

Shelley: She's fine. Fine. First time working out in a while. You know what that's like. Oh ha! Ha! There. There. Better?

Melanie: Whoooahhh... a little?

Shelley: Has this ever happened before?

Melanie: Oh yes. The Doctor says it's because I have high blood pressure. Even with medication, I actually pass out quite frequently.

20 minutes in...

Melanie: Whew. Thanks so much. That was great. Tomorrow? Same time?

That Lottery better come through.

Shelley and John

PS: Enjoying the blogs? If so, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter. Become a "Follower." My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Who Needs new Friends?

Andrew, Shelley, Cathy, Rob, Toni, John
Tod, Jin, Matt

"I'm so @#$ing hot!" 

And the Mullen- Smith friendship, spanning 20 years, had begun. (Forgive the profanity, but it was in the sweltering, unbearable 40 degree July heat of Bangkok.)  Last weekend, the Mullens visited us in the Comox Valley. I am pleased to report that our friendship is as strong as ever. Here's why...

Shelley, Rob, Toni, Matt, Jin, Kristie and Charlie                        

No one is rude...
Shelley (Me): Yayyyy!!! TONIIII!!!!!! ROBBIE!!!!!!! How are you? How was the trip? Did you catch up with Matt during the car ride?
Matt (My son): That would have been nice, mom, considering I drove up Island in a hurricane. But, no, Toni slept, while Robbie (mimes snapping a newspaper wide open in front of his face) read the whole way. Right roomie? (On two separate occasions, Matt lived with the Mullens in Kuala Lumpur.)
Rob Mullen: Woahh Matt. That's not true. It took me three and a half minutes to read that rag. Besides, it's not my fault if the Missus dropped some Zanex and napped the entire way.
Toni Mullenb: Rob! I didn't nap the entire way.
Matt:  Rob, that's true, "if" you count the one time Toni woke up yelling and waving her arms in front of my face, because she thought we were in an accident.
Rob: Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. They're so @#$%ing rude to us.

We never bust each others' balls...

Robbie: Andrew (My son). Good to talk to you... How am I doing?...

                               

Well, your mother made me cook on my first night... BTW I don't think she's been in the kitchen since I visited 8 years ago... She couldn't tell me where anything was... Now your family has me playing games... No, not charades... Apples to Apples... If I knew Charades was in the mix, I wouldn't have gotten in the car... Speaking of cars, too bad about Matt hitting that girl's bumper... What? No, I never damaged your van when I used to nudge it at stop lights. It was a tap... Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. Andrew, who is not even here, is busting my balls.

Everyone helps out...

Toni: Robbie, are you asleep?

Rob: How can I be asleep with all of you @#$%ing talking?

Toni: Robbie!

John (my husband): Oh no. It's raining. Shelley, when I stop, jump out and get the shoes out of the truck bed.
Shelley: No. I'll get wet.
Matt, Toni:...
Rob: I'll do it John. Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. They're too @#$%ing lazy to help out.

No one complains...

Robbie: Ah Jesus Johnnie! I'm so @#$%ing cold, my hands are numb. 

Shelley: Robbie, you chose Mt. Washington over a beach walk. 

Rob: You didn't tell me it would be 7 degrees. What is that in real temperatures?

John: About 44 degrees.

Rob: On the fourth of July? Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. It's too @#$%ing cold.

New additions to our families are welcomed...

Jin (Mullen's son): This is Charlie. Aren't you? Tickle. Tickle.  My little baby. Kiss. Kiss Kiss. Go to mommy now.
Kristie (Jin's wife): Here Charlie. Come to mommy. Here you are. Oh you! Kiss. Kiss Kiss.

John: Charlie, the dingo ate my baby.
Matt: Dad, I think you're mixing your quotes.
Shelley: Charlie. Where's my baby, Charlie?

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt: Hey. That dog's not your baby. Maybe you guys should have a real one.
John: Charlie, the dingo took my baby.
Matt: Nope. Still not right.
Rob: Jesus Christ Toni. We're not coming back here again. The Smiths want us to be the first grand parents.

Guests always get the best gear...

Toni: Is the inside of my boat supposed to be this wet? I think my boat is leaking. Maybe even sinking.

Robbie: Ahh @#$%! My money and my CD list are wet. Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. Once again, they gave us the crappy boats. 

Everyone gets resepect...

Toni: In my next life, I want to be a broadway dancer, so I can dance every day.

Shelley: What about you Robbie? What will you come back as?
Toni: (whispers) An asshole.
Rob: Toni, you are being unpleasant. You haven't been nice to me for the last two months.

We've had conversations about this.

Toni: Not with me.

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Rob: A musician.

Matt: A musician??? Why? You go to concerts and don't even get up. You look like this.    

Rob: Matt, I don't need to dance to enjoy the music. I like to sit and appreciate it. Let it flow over me.
Matt: Like this?
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt: Still roomies, Rob? Do I still have a room?
Rob: Toni. Don't give Matt our new address in England. And, if he does find out, he can sleep on the floor in the kitchen.
Matt: Hi. I'm Robbie. Look at me. I'm enjoying the Stones.

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Rob: Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. They're disrespectful.

Everyone stays focussed on the big picture...
Rob: "Spiderman" was great. What did you think Matt?

Rob: Hey watch out for my red wine! You're going to spill it!

Rob: @#$%!!! "I" just spilled red wine all over the white leather couch and my green shirt.

Everyone: (Rushes around grabbing rags and cleaners.) Go! Go! Go!
Rob: Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. I just ruined my favourite shirt. I think I am going to have to throw it out!

Everyone is polite to each other...
Rob: Toni, there's your computer. Don't forget it. (Whispers) I've got to tell her that, because I think the old girl is loosing her memory. (Swirls finger around ear)
Toni: Robbie, can you help me find my hair brush?

Rob: (Whispers some more) Thirty years. Thirty years of marriage. (Normal voice) Where was it last?

Toni: If I knew that, I wouldn't have lost it.

Rob:(Whispers even more) See. This is my cross to bear. (Looks under the bathroom sink) Is this it? 

Toni: I thought I looked there.
Rob: What about this shampoo and conditioner?

Shelley: That's for guests.

John: Shelley. You know what the Mullens are like. Check their bags before they leave. They might steal stuff. 

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Rob: Jesus Christ Toni, we are not coming back here again. Apparently, it's OK to insult your guests.

As you know from my older posts:

http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2012/05/how-to-make-friends-part-1.html
http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2012/05/how-to-make-friends-part-2-take-zumba.html
http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2012/05/how-to-make-friends-part-3-play-rugby.html

we have tried to make friends in the Comox Valley. But who needs new friends, when you've got the Mullens?

Shelley and John

Happy 145th Birthday Canada

If it wasn't for my Grade 1 teacher,  I would not be the patriot I am today.

Grade 1 Teacher: That's right Suzy. Patriotism does mean loving your country. And of course Sally, it also means being devoted and loyal to your country. Yes, I do see your hand waving in the air, Shelley, but Suzy and Sally have thoroughly explained patriotism. Now class, one of the first steps of becoming patriotic, is to be able to sing our unofficial National Anthem, "Oh Canada." If you do know the anthem, please go the front of the class.

Shelley: (Races to the front)

Teacher:.... Is there anyone else who knows our anthem?... Anyone?... Ahhh Suzy and Sally. Thank you for volunteering. Thank you so much. So very much. Why don't you girls join Shelley?

Suzy and Sally: (Rise, as one, and glide to the front of the class. Perfect. From their blonde "not a hair out of place" to their black shiny patent leather shoes.)

Teacher: Now Shelley, are you sure you know all of the words? Because...

Shelley: Yes, Miss.

Teacher: And, you can sing the entire anthem? Otherwise...

Shelley: Yes, Miss.

Teacher: Otherwise, it's OK if you would like to change your mind and sit down. Maybe...
Shelley: No, Miss,
Teacher: Maybe, the twins can sing the anthem with you. That way...

Shelley: No, Miss.

Teacher: .... Of course not. What was I thinking? Well then, why don't you go ahead?

Shelley: (Pauses. Coughs delicately. Makes sure all eyes are on her. Begins with a whisper.) Oh Canada. (Louder) Oh Canada! (Louder still) Oh Oh Ca-na-da! (Yelling ) OH CANADA!!!
 (SCREAMS) OH! OH! OH! CA-NA-DA!!!!!...

Teacher: Thank you Shelley. That was very nice.

Shelley: I'm not done yet.

Teacher: Oh, I "am" sorry. Please finish. 

Shelley: (Looks down... looks up through her eye lashes, takes a deep breath and continues with the lowest note she can find) Oh! Canada! Oh! Canada! (Finds the highest note she is capable of) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Canada!!!! (and remarkably finds an even higher note) OH! OH! CA-NA-DA!!!!!  CA-NA-DAAAAAA!!!!! 

Teacher and class:...

Shelley: Thank you. (The patriot returns to her seat.)

Please play on low volume as you finish reading:

46 years on, I am still as patriotic as ever. So, on Sunday, my family and friends joined John and I, to celebrate Canada Day.

We hiked,

played frisbee golf,

sledded,

                                 
                                    
                                    

white water kayaked,

Ha!  Ha! Kidding. You've got to be crazy to do that!!!!

played football,

biked,

 played basketball,

and bocce, for a total of 

7 activities!!!!!!!!!

Now that's patriotism!

Shelley and John