How to Take the Perfect Picture of a Snake

Golfing not exciting enough for you? 

How about hiking on a "closed to public trail," because two people had died the week before, at the beginning of snake season?

Shelley: Whoa. Stop. There's a snake!

Mom, Dad, John: Where? Where? Where?
Shelley: There. Crossing the path.

Mom: Didn't I just say we should each take a club because there might be snakes on the trail?
Shelley, John, Dad: Yes, mom, mother-in-law, Val.

Shelley: John, did you bring the camera?

Mom:(Passing me) I've got mine. (Snap)

John: Me too. (Snap)
Dad: Wow. That sucker is pretty big.
Mom: It's a baby, Roy. (Snap)

Shelley: Mom! Don't get so close. It might be a rattle snake.
Mom: I want a good picture. (Snap)

Shelley: Dad! Tell mom not to get so close.

Dad: Yah, right. Since when does your mother listen to me?

Mom: Oh for God's sake. (Snap) That's not a rattle snake. It doesn't have a rattle. (Snap. Snap.)

Shelley: Fair enough "Crocodile Dundee." But, you still don't know what kind of snake it is.
Mom: I can tell by it's tongue it's not poisonous. (Snap)

John: Really? It's tongue? Are you kidding me?

Mom: Not at all. (Snap) Also, look at it's head. It's long. Poisonous snakes don't have long narrow heads. (Snap)
Shelley: And you know this from your extensive snake research? Dad: Of course. How silly of us! It's from the phylum, "Idontbiticus," right Val?
Mom: (Snap) What is wrong with all of you? when I was small, I used to play with snakes all the time. (Snap) I was never bitten. (Snap) Not once. (Snap. Snap. Snap)
John: They wouldn't dare.
Mom: Ha! Ha! Ha! (Snap)

Shelley: WT? Did you just throw orange peels at it?
Mom: Yes. (Snap) I want it to coil, so it's head sticks up. Now "that" would make a great picture. (Snap)
John: Oh, it's a vegetarian snake, then?
Dad: No, John. A fruit snake.
John, Dad: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Mom! Stop! Daaaaaad!
Dad: You do realize that when a snake coils, it's in the strike position. Come on Val. That thing can kill you.

Mom: (Snap) You guys are making such a fuss. (Kiss Kiss noises)

Shelley: Seriously? Are you calling it? Don't do that. Please.

Mom:  Ah no. It just slithered into it's den... Hmmm..... if I could just find a stick, then I could use it to pick it up. That.....

Shelley, John, Dad: And we're done.


Would that be exciting enough for you?


Shelley and John

How to Survive in the Desert

The other morning we decided to spend the day hiking in the desert. But first we had to prepare. My job was to sort out the food. John’s was to get the drinks ready. 

However, John felt he had to deal with more important matters first, like looking up information on what to do if  “deadly” jackasses or “killer” coyotes or “poisonous” rattle snakes attacked. 

 “So, honey, what would you do if the “deadly” jackasses attacked us?”

“Easy. Get next to you, yell and wave my arms. They are more afraid of us than we are of them.”

“Do you really believe that, John?”

“I hope we don’t have to find out.... Wait, are you winding me up? ”

“Of course not. After all safety is no accident. And if the “killer “ coyotes come after us?”

 “Don’t make fun, Shelley. I don't have a good feeling about this. I’m just trying to be prepared. ”

“Ha! Ha! Ha!  Sorry. You're right. Ha! Ha! Ha! Seriously though.  What would you do?”

  “If you keep this up, I would let them get you.”

 “Really? That’s terrible. I would do everything in my power to save you. Everything.”

 “That is such BS Shelley! I distinctly remember skiing in France when I fell and started to slowly slip down the cliff to my certain death. And you, you did nothing because you were laughing too hard. At me.”

 “That’s so unfair. At no point were you in danger of dying. The cliff was 5 meters high, tops, and it was snowing. So, if you had fallen, you would have landed in a blanket of fresh snow. Anyway, didn’t you stick your poles in the snow and climb out?”

 “That is not the point. You didn’t help me. I would have helped you.”

“Like the time in Tokyo when you were outside the house before the earthquake stopped and I was still in bed?”

“ Jesus Christ Shelley!!! I was opening the door for you!!! ”

“OMG. Fine. OK. What if a “poisonous” rattle snake bit me? What would you do?”

“Seriously? You want me to answer that?”

“What would you do? Come on. Be honest. What would you do to help your loving, loyal wife of thirty years?”

“ I would go after that “deadly, killer, poisonous ” son of a bitch and kill it by ripping its head off. I would skin it, eat the meat raw, and hang the rattlers around my neck for a trophy. I would wrap a tourniquet above the bite and suck out all of the poison from your body even though I know that I am not supposed to. I would risk my life to save yours. There. Satisfied? Now for the love of God, can we go?”

“And if it bit me in the bum?...John?....John??!!?!”

“Then you’re on your own….honey.”

Shelley and John