Smith Christmas Tradition #3 How to Take the Perfect Family Christmas Photo

Back Row: Shenley, Matt, Tyler, Logan, Andrew, Dan, John, Shannon and Keith

Front Row: Shelley, Marina, Ash

We just finished Christmas dinner.  What could be a better time than to take the perfect family Christmas photo?

Plain type - Dialogue
Bold Type - Thoughts

My Sister Shannon: Hey! This would be a great time to take the perfect family Christmas photo. Who wants to take it?

My Brother Shenley: I’ll take it with Marina’s new camera! (No. No! NO! What have I done? Look at what they did to John last night when he tried to organize a game. He lost it - ended up throwing custard and swearing!)

Everyone but Shenley: Yayyyyy!!!!! Thanks Shen.

Shenley: (Ahhhhh. That was nice. Maybe I underestimated them. This "will" be a great chance to use this awesome new camera!) Everyone go into the living room in stand in front of the fire. Guys in the back. Girls in the front...... Andrew. What are you doing?

Everyone, including Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: But, come on now, get off the table. Get in the back. That was pretty funny by the way. So, it’s looking ....

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: Matt. What’s on your head?

Matt: Uh.. a Christmas hat?

Sister-in law Marina: Take it off. This is supposed to be the "Perfect family Christmas Photo."

Matt: I thought we were celebrating Christmas. Why was Andrew funny and I wasn’t??

Marina and Shenley: Just take it off, Matt.

Andrew: Because I'm the funny one, Matt!

Everyone but Matt: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: Ha! OK. OK. A perfect photo now. (Are you kidding me? Now it's John. What is wrong with the Smiths?) Stop! John, why are you standing like that?

John: Sorry. I was trying to be taller than the boys.

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley:  (Why is he messing around?  What have I ever done to him? I even felt sorry for him last night. Doesn't he want the perfect family Christmas photo?)

Marina: Stop it. Everyone just stand nicely and not on your toes. It doesn’t matter who's the tallest. I want the "Perfect family Christmas Photo."

Shenley: (Thank God for Marina.) OK. Looking good. Leave a space for me. I’m putting the timer on..........checking one last time........ (Seriously? Seriously!) Why are you boys ducking ? 

Cousins and Sons: No we weren't.

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: .........(They are pinching and grabbing each other! I am going to kill one of them!..... Which one is first?...... OMG! What am I thinking? I've got to get a grip.......Smile. SMILE SHENLEY! DON'T LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE GETTING TO YOU!!!!) Oh! Ha! That is just too funny. Ha. Smile everyone. Let me just check..........(THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE! WHY DID I GIVE THIS CAMERA TO MARINA?) 
TYLER! WHY ARE YOU STANDING OVER THERE? YOU ARE NOT IN THE PICTURE!!!!!

Cousin Tyler: But dad, you told me to stand there.

Matt: Hey! Why do they get to wear Christmas hats and I don’t?

Shenley: TYLER!!!! I.... DID.... NOT!!!  JUST GO BACK OVER THERE!!! (@$%^!!!) 
OK. Everyone ready? Look at the camera. Stop moving. STOP (@$%^ing) MOVING!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE (@$%^ing) CAMERA (WHICH I NOW @$%^ing HATE) SO WE CAN GET THE  (@$%^ing PERFECT (@$%^ing*) FAMILY CHRISTMAS PHOTO!!!!

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: That’s it. I’m putting away the camera.

Everyone but Shenley: Why? What’s wrong?

Shenley: If you think that I'm doing this for another 30 minutes. You're wrong. Dead wrong.

Everyone but Shelley:.....................................

Sister Shannon, sister-in-law, Marina, Shelley (me)

Shelley: Ha! Ha! Come on Shenley. How about for 32 minutes? Ha! Ha!

Everyone but Shenley and Shelley: (HOLY %&#$!!! SHELLEY JUST POKED THE BEAR!!! WHERE HAS SHE BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 MINUTES? HOW MUCH HAS "SHE" HAD TO DRINK???) 

Shenley: (HOLY %&#$!!! SHELLEY JUST POKED ME!!!  WHERE HAS SHE BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 MINUTES? HOW MUCH HAS "SHE" HAD TO DRINK???)............................................... No.

Everyone but Shenley: Come on Shenley!

Shenley: ......................

Everyone but Shenley: We’ll listen! We’re sorry! 

Shenley: ......................................................................................................................Smile.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Love

Back Row: Shenley, Matt, Tyler, Logan, Andrew, Dan, John, Shannon and Keith

Front Row: Shelley, Marina, Ash

PS: Thanks for the cartoons, Matt!

Shelley and John

Smith Christmas Tradition #1 Setting up The Christmas Tree

Smith Christmas Tradition #1  Putting up The Christmas Tree 

Dec. 21st.

Last night, John put up our fake silk Xmas tree we bought 20 years ago in Bangkok. We hate it! It’s too tall. It’s too wide. And it sheds more needles than a real one! 

But, it’s tradition. 

“Which branch fits where?”

“I don’t know. You have to figure it out by matching the colours. Don’t put branches in the back or it will be too big.”

“Yes dear.  #$%&! I can  barely see back here. Where does the green branch go? ”

“Jesus John. I’m cooking supper!”

“Oh no. This doesn’t look good. Quick. Come and hold the top before it tips!”

“Is that the smoke alarm? I think I put the wrong burner on. Sorry. Hang on a second.”

“No. Don’t let go! Oh S@#$. G#@ D#@$ it. Look at all the @#$$%^ needles. How can a fake tree shed more than a real one? I’m amazed it has any left. This is the last year for this tree. Get me the vacuum cleaner. ”

“But I’m cooking supper. Maybe you can weigh it down with some stones from outside. While you get them, might as well grab the vacuum cleaner. ”

“Yes dear! And while I’m at it, would you like me to move the house a little to the left? For @#$$# sake. Why can’t we wait for the boys to put up the tree?”

“Tradition, John. They put up the ornaments.”

“Fine. Whatever. It’s up. But it’s not steady. Just don’t bump it.”

“Hmmmm. I just don’t know. Maybe we should take out a section and put it on the coffee table?”

“That is not going to happen. There is no @#$$ing way I am going to redo it. It looks fine. Shelley. Be reasonable. ”

“OK. OK. I’ll think about it. Lights?”

John carefully put up the lights. I carefully took them down.

“Jesus Christ Shelley. Every year I put them up, and every year you take them down. Why do you insist on me putting them up?”

“Tradition, John.”

“Is the heat on blast? I’need a beer. (Big gulp. Big Breath.) I’m sorry. Let’s start this again. How about we put the boys’ Xmas plates here?”

“No.”

“What about here?”

“No.”

“Why the @#$& not?”

“I don’t like them there.”

“You know what? I have an idea. Why don’t you tell me where to put things and I do it without saying anything?”

“Sounds good!!!! God. What is wrong with you? Why are you so stressed? This is supposed to be fun.”

“Tradition, Shelley.”

Shelley and John


BTW. Everyone should have goals. Mine is to be on the Ellen Degeneres show and if that fails Chelsey Lately's. I figure if I can prove people actually read these blogs, I'll write Ellen a sixth time and she'll fall all over herself to put me on her show. So, if you would like to see me dance on Ellen...

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Thanks Shelley and John

Smith Christmas Tradition #4 How to Play Games Smith Style

John made up a new game for Christmas. It’s based on the shows, “You Deserve It” and “Family Feud.” Here’s how it works. One person thinks of a person, character or object, then gives a clue. If you don’t guess, you ask for another clue. You only get to guess once. We tried it out today while snowshoeing. It was Matt’s go.

Matt: Ex athlete.

Rest of us: Hmmmm. Another clue, please.

Matt: Actor

Rest of us: Hmmmm. 

Shelley: So, he was a soccer star who is now a sport’s commentator? I can’t think of who that would be. Another clue please.

Matt: What? No. That is not what I said. I said an athlete who now acts.

John: Has he ever commentated on sports?

Matt: I don’t know! F@#%. Here’s another clue. His sport was football.

Andrew: Leslie Nelson. He played football.

Matt: Leslie Nelson? He was not an athlete.

Andrew: I’m pretty sure he played football with O.J. Simpson. They made a movie together called “Airplane.”

Shelley: That’s right, with that actress. John, what was her name?

John: Marilyn Monroe. I think.

Shelley: Are you sure? I though it was that other actress.

Matt: What are you talking about? Yes, Leslie Nelson starred in “Airplane” but he did not play football! MARILYN MONROE WAS DEAD LONG BEFORE THAT MOVIE WAS MADE!!!  

Andrew: Matt! Why do you have to be so loud? 

Matt: Because you guys are deaf. Anyway it doesn’t matter Andrew. You’re out of the game because you guessed wrong.

Andrew: Why? I just guessed once. 

Matt: You only get one guess. 

Andrew: That’s pretty stupid. This game is stupid. You’re stupid. 

Matt: God Damn you people! This isn’t even my game. Why am I even playing this game? 

John: Matt. Calm down. Was it English football or American football? 

Matt: Jesus Christ. Don’t you people listen? 

Shelley: Another clue, please.

Matt: Why? You don’t use them. You just make up your own.

Shelley: Now Matt. I am listening. Just give another clue.

Matt: OK. Fine. Prison.

Rest of us: HMMMMMMM!

Shelley: Oh. I think I know the prison. Alcatraz in San Francisco. “Escape from Alcatraz” was the name of that movie. But that’s not the movie I am thinking of. I am thinking of the movie where no one was trying to escape. Shoot. Can’t think of it. Never mind, I do know the name of the guy who starred in the other one. The one where they were trying to escape. Ah, my memory is so bad now.....Clint Eastwood. Yes. That sounds about right.

Matt: You’re out.

Shelley: Me? Why? That wasn’t a guess. I was just thinking out loud.

Matt: For F@#$ sake!!!!!!! Let this game be over with.

John: Another clue. Please.

Matt: Samoan

Andrew: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Matt: Andrew! You’re already out of the game!

John: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Matt: There. You win. Congratulation. Great @#$@ing game.

Rest of us: OK. My turn. I have one!

Shelley and John