Going for the 2012 Olympic Gymnastic Gold

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After reading this, come on over and have  a look.

Pretty impressed with the 2012 Olympics, from the Queen jumping out of the helicopter to Gymnastics, especially the Womens'. BTW I think the Womens' should be called the "Pre-adolescent Girls Gymnastics." Because, who are we fooling here? They are not women. They are impressionable young girls, who left home at an early age, willing and eager to do anything to win Olympic Gold for their countries. If those girls were older, say 52, they would be a lot wiser and not be so quick to agree to perform death defying stunts. Instead, I strongly believe the following exchanges would take place.

Floor...

Coach: Remember when you perform your first pass: a triple loop de loop into a back flip, double somersault, triple aerial, don't forget to point your toes.

52 year old gymnast: Not going to happen. My back is killing me. Am thinking of throwing in a couple of stag leaps instead. The judges will love the symbolism of deer, England's forests are full of them.

Vault....
Coach: Run as fast you can for 22 steps, hurdle yourself into a round off landing backwards on the trampoline, flip blindly onto the vaulting box, push off as high as you can so you can somersault at least 3 times and stick your landing inbounds. Remember, feet together and toes pointed.

52 year old gymnast: I've got a better idea. I'm going to run, jump facing forward onto the trampoline, push off with two feet, land on the vault in a straddle position. 

Once I know that I'm safe and in control, I'll carefully get to my feet, perform a tuck jump dismount to the mat. I'm confident I can stick the landing. Now that will definitely impress the judges.

Balance Beam...

Coach: Don't bother walking forward or backwards on the beam. Same goes for balances that display unbelievable flexibility and strength. That's boring. Just get out there using your proprioceptors to flip sideways, forwards and backwards as many times as you can on that 4 inch wide plank of wood that's 4 feet off the ground, preferably without using your hands. 

And, when you dismount, rotate, rotate, rotate. Stick that landing.

52 year old gymnast:  Nix that. I've been thinking it's time to bring back the 76 Olympica, Nadia Comaneci style. I'm going for a forward roll into a v-sit, into a log balance... without hands. That's super hard to do. Believe me. I've fallen off more times than I care to remember. That's worth a perfect 10 or 9.9 at the very least.

Uneven Bars...
Coach: You must think like a man on the uneven bars. Swing, release, change direction, swing, release, grab the lower bar, swing, release, grab the high bar, release, and with only one hand attached, change direction in the air, perform the splits, swing, swing, swing up to 9G's in order to prepare for the dismount, release, try to somersault in the air as many times as possible before you stick your landing.

52 year old gymnast: Whoah. Hold your horses. No way I can remember all of that.  How about we KISS? I'll use the trampoline to get to the lower bar, stand on it and grab the higher bar. 

"If" I'm feeling strong, I'll perform little quarter swings on it for a while as anything more will make me stomach sick, (can't seem to shake my motion sickness),  and then drop to the ground. Shouldn't be a problem sticking the landing. If it is, I'll go into a dive roll, although I have to admit, my neck is pretty tight from that backward roll that went so so wrong. Trust me. It will bring the house down.

Fist pump! Yeah! On two. ONE! TWO! GO FOR OLYMPIC GOLD!!!!!!!!!

Shelley and John

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How to Retire and Stay Retired

Yipeeeeeee!!!!  One year of retirement - DONE!!!! But, if John and I continue to spend at our current rate, we might be in a bit of financial trouble in about, oh....10 years.

Therefore, I have been racking my brains on how to sort out our financial dilemma. My list so far:

• Keep buying those lottery tickets twice a week.  Did you know that, "BC/49 is the BC-only lottery that gives you a chance to win $2 million for just $1. And for $1 more, you can also say "yes" to a chance at $500,000 with the Extra?" Did you?  

• With 3 bathroom reno.'s completed in the last year, guess how many "You could Win" surveys from Home Depot, Canadian Tire, Home Hardware, Wal-mart, etc. etc. we've completed. It's  50.  And counting. The odds are so in our favour.

 

Reduce wine, beer, gin and rum consumption. That's silly. 

• Ellen Degeneres finally agrees to have me as a guest on her show. I've just sent her my 6th e-mail explaining why I would be the perfect guest. She'll break soon. 

• Once famous from appearing on Ellen Degeneres, publish my blog. Then, broker an advance deal for my next book. Does anyone know a publisher who might be interested? Then, sell the TV rights. Then, sell the play rights. Then, sell the movie rights. Then, star in it. No. That's taking it too far. Ha! Ha! Seriously though, who wants to act in it with me?

• Become a personal trainer. With 30 years of teaching under my belt, and the majority of those as a PE and Health teacher, this makes a lot of sense.  In fact last summer I practiced my  trainer skills on my next door neighbour...

0 Minutes in...

Shelley: Glad you decided to join me.

Melanie: Thanks for the invite. Where should we go?

Shelley: Why don't you take me on your regular route. Go ahead and set the pace. That way I can evaluate your level of fitness.

Melanie: I don't really have a regular route. I haven't ran for over 2 years.

4 minutes in...

Melanie: Ahhhhhh!  I have a really sharp pain. Right under my rib cage. 

Shelley:  That's a stitch. They can be a little painful. Try to force air into it and stretch that side. OK?

Melanie: No. Not working. 

8 minutes in...

Melanie: My throat. It feels really dry. It's closing up. Is that possible?

12 minutes in...

Melanie: A steel band is squeezing the air out of my lungs.

Shelley: Your lips are a little blue.
Melanie: I probably should have brought my puffer. I'm asthmatic. 

16 minutes in...

Melanie: I'm so sorry. I have to stop. I'm feeling really nauseous. Oh no. I think I'm going to throw up....

Shelley: No. No. No. Sit down here. On the curb. Try to relax. Drop your head. Breath deeply. You'll feel better... Did you eat anything different this morning? 

Melanie: I didn't eat anything in case it would make me sick.

18 minutes in...

Melanie: I'm dizzy. I'm going to faint. But, we're almost home. I think I can make it.

Shelley: No. No. No. Squat down and put your head between your legs. Take deep deep breaths. That's it.

Couple walking by: Is she OK? 

Shelley: She's fine. Fine. First time working out in a while. You know what that's like. Oh ha! Ha! There. There. Better?

Melanie: Whoooahhh... a little?

Shelley: Has this ever happened before?

Melanie: Oh yes. The Doctor says it's because I have high blood pressure. Even with medication, I actually pass out quite frequently.

20 minutes in...

Melanie: Whew. Thanks so much. That was great. Tomorrow? Same time?

That Lottery better come through.

Shelley and John

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