Get Your Knickers Off

Shelley: Thanks for helping me make Shenley's Birthday card. Pretty funny, right?

John: Sure was.

Shelley: Marina's card was so romantic. Why don't you give me cards like that?

John: Because you would laugh at me.

Shelley: That's true. How sad is that? John, I don't think we're romantic.

John: Of course we are. I bought you flowers on Andrew's birthday.

Shelley: You picked wild flowers in Joshua Tree National Park.

John: I could have been arrested by a Ranger.

Shelley: Oh please. I have an idea. Let's be romantic for the rest of the evening. Starting now. Kiss me... Euhhh! Why'd you lick my neck?

John: I thought it would be romantic to try something new.

Shelley: It's gross.

John: What if I lightly stroke your arms?

Shelley: No! You're making my skin itchy. 

John: Look deeply into your eyes without blinking?

Shelley: No. That's creepy. Ahhh.... There's no hope.

John: There is. Sit down. I'm going to recite a poem I wrote for you, before we were married. Ahem.

My heart cries out with pain

As you get on that big silver bird in the sky...

WTF? Why are you laughing?

Shelley: You already used "big silver bird in the sky"  in a poem to an ex girlfriend. It's hardly romantic to recycle lines.

John: Why don't you give it a shot, Miss Bronte?

Shelley:  Fine. It might not be perfect. But at least it will be original. 

You are my heart

My heart. My heart.

You are my soul.

My soul. My soul.

My eyes drip with diamond tears

Diamond tears. Diamond tears.

I will do anything for you.

For you. For you.

The end.

John: Heh! Heh! Heh! Come here little lady and prove it.

Shelley: That's so wrong on so many levels.

John: Give us a hug.

Shelley: Ahhhhh...now that's romantic...  Huh! Did you burp in my ear?

John: No. That's rude. Go sit on the couch. I'll get us a drink, set up a movie, and we'll cuddle.

Shelley: OK................................................ That would be my bum.

John: Oh sorry. My hand accidently...

Shelley: Stop groping me.

John: It's not groping. It's...

Shelley: Really? Really? Passing gas? Forget it.

John: Why don't we stop trying to be like Shenley and Marina and be ourselves?

Shelley: You're right. We'll be romantic, Smith style.

 

John: Exactly. Now darling, get your knickers off. Just had 10 pints down at the pub.

Shelley and John 

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #12 DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT SAND DRYWALL TOGETHER

Sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding.................

John: Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley:...

John: Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley:...

John: SIGHHHHHHH.......

Shelley: OK. What's wrong?

John: Nothing's wrong. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: Then why are you sighing?

John: I'm not. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: You just sighed again.

John: I didn't. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: Holy Christ! What is wrong with you?

John: I'm hot. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: Then take off some layers. Get a drink. Jesus.

John: And It's taken over two hours to sand these walls  and we've still not finished the first floor. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: At least it's faster than mudding.

John: I don't care. I don't want to sand any more. I want to build something. Like a deck. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: But look outside. No one's building a deck.

John: Also, I'm hungry. Lunch was supposed to be here an hour and a half ago. You know me. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: I hardly think you are going to starve.

John: You don't know that. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: You're right. But I do know this, if you don't go upstairs or outside, I'm going to lose it.

John: How is that going to change anything? Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: It will change the fact that I won't have to listen to you sighing any more. Go.

John: You are not the boss of me!

Shelley: You are driving me freakin' bat s@#$ crazy!!!!

John: I knew if I told you, you wouldn't understand. That's what you get when you force stuff out of me. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: HO-LEEEE CARAPPPP!!!!!!!! That's it. I've had enough.

John: You've had enough? You've had enough? What about this morning, when I accidently shut the car door on your knee, and you yelled,

" F@#$%er!!" ?

Shelley: It was my bad knee!!!

John: I apologized. Suggested we start over.  But you threw half a peanut butter sandwich on the dash and yelled,

"Enjoy your breakfast!"

Tell you what, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! And if I want to sigh, I'm going to sigh. You are not going to stop me!

SSSSSSIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley: Oh really? See this trawl, SIGHER???  I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS TRAWL, HEAD OVER TO WHERE YOU ARE STANDING AND SIGHING AND...

Chairman of Habitat for Humanity North Island, Ron with Shaw Camera Man: Hi Shelley. John. Don't mind us. We've been filming for Shaw Cable TV. Just pretend that we're not here and carry on with what you were doing.

Sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding.................

 Shelley and John

If you enjoyed tip #12, here's the link to "How to Stay Happily Married Tip #1 Keep Things Even"

Just go the F@#$ to Sleep

My husband, John: Hey. How’re you doing?

Shelley: Mwahhhhoaahhhhh! Can you believe this? On the first night I’m in bed by 6:30? Blechhh... I’m so sea sick. Can you please clean the toilet for me? I hate throwing up in a dirty toilet.

John: Yes my little princess. Even in sickness we must maintain your standards.

Shelley: That’s right. In sickness and in health. Oahhhmuahhhwahhhhoaahhhhh!! God, I’m soooo sick.

John: What the? Did you feel that?

Shelley: I feel everything. That’s why I’m sea sick.

John: But it’s getting worse. 

Shelley: It’s not. We’re fine. Why don’t you read? It will take your mind off the...

John: Oh my God! My book just slid across the bed. Did you see that? Shelley? SHELLEY?

Shelley: John leave me alone. Go find the rest of the family and scare them. Please.

John: Everyone has gone to bed. That’s why I’m back.

Shelley: Then go out on the balcony and be scared.

John: I can’t. I’m too scared. When I found out the Captain was Italian, I knew we were in trouble.

Shelley: John. Please stop. We’re fine. Why don’t you try to sleep.

John: Whoahhhh!!! It’s getting worse. This ship is going to flip over. It’s only a matter of time before we die. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! SHELLEY!!

Shelley: This boat is not going to flip over. We are not going to die. Holy Christ!! Why are you always convinced that we are always going to die wherever we go? Oh God. Can’t you let me be sick in peace? Go to sleep.

John: I can’t help it if I worry. I worry for both of us you know.

Shelley: I know and believe me I love you for it. But for now, can you please go to sleep.

John: Sleep? SLEEP? How can I go to sleep when the ship is starting to sink. 

Shelley: GO. TO. SLEEP.

John: Gahhhhhh! That’s it. Shelley! Get out of bed. We are going to the life boat stations. We are getting in those life boats. It’s our only chance! Come on! 

Shelley: Ahhhmuahhhwahhhhoaahhhhh!!! I’m not going. You go.

John: Jesus Christ Shelley! I am not kidding. I won’t leave you. Get up. Get up now. Here. Let me help you.

Shelley: Don’t you dare move me! I’m too sick. Besides, have you seen the size of the people on this ship. We don’t stand a chance.

John: Exactly. So, if we go now, we’re guaranteed a spot on a life boat.

Shelley: We? I believe it’s women and children first. 

John: OK. Forget the lifeboats. We’ll jump into the ocean, like in “The Titanic.”

Shelley: The movie, “The Titanic?” Fine. But, if we are going to reenact that movie, don’t forget that I am not going to share my door with you. 

John: You wouldn’t share your door with me? You’d let me slowly slip away and drown from hyperthermia? When I’m trying to save you from certain death and...

Shelley: Oh for F@#$’s sake!!! Here! 

Now “Just Go the F@#$ to Sleep!” Please.

And that's how we spent the first night of a five night cruise to the Bahamas. We were meant to be celebrating my parents 50th wedding anniversary.

Shelley and John