How to Stay Happily Married Tip #10 When Driving to Your Nephew's Wedding, or Anywhere in England for that Matter, Always Bring Your GPS or at Least a Map

Google Maps: Directions to Cleobury Mortimer DY14 8BS, UK  (where our nephew, Richard is to be married) from Egham, UK - 

136 miles. 
Total time: about 2 hours 36 minutes.

10:30

Shelley: Left side! Left side! Holy S#$%!!!! Drive on the left side!

John: Whoahhhh!! 

Shelley: What are you doing?

John: I forgot. Sorry. Sorry.  Did you see the look in that guy's eyes? Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: I saw the whites of that guy's eyes. Jesus. Be careful.

John: That's what she said.
Shelley and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!

11:00

Shelley: Aieeeee!!!!!! Stop! Stop! Don't turn! Car coming from the right!

John: Right. Right. Holy S@#%!!!!!!!! 

Shelley: Oh my God, John, you have to be more careful.

John: You're right. You're right. All right?

Shelley: I guess so. Look both ways before you pull out.

John: That's what she said. 

Shelley and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!

11:30

Shelley: Holy S@#%!!!!!!!!  Left side! Left side! Jesus Christ John! Left side!

John: F@#$$!!!!!!!!  That was close. Much closer than before.

Shelley: WTF? Are you trying to kill us?

John: Of course not. But, look at it this way. That was three near misses. We should be good now. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley:...
John: No?... OK.

12:00
John: What's the junction number we take to get off the M25?
Shelley: 16.
John: And that is for the M?
Shelley: M40.
John: Right.

12:05

John: What's the junction number we take to get off the M25?

Shelley: Hasn't changed. Still M16.

John: For the M5?

Shelley: No. M40.

12:10

John: And the junction number we take to get off is?

Shelley: Holy S@#$!!!! I just told you 5 minutes ago.

John: I just want to make sure. If we take the wrong highway...

Shelley: Stop stressing. I've got the directions. It's under control.

1:00
John: Do we take the M5 North or the M5 South?
Shelley: Hmmm. Not sure.
John: Can you please just look at the directions?
Shelley: I am. It doesn't say. It just says take the M5.
John: What is the next town then?
Shelley: Droitwitch
John: Is it north or south?
Shelley: THIS DOESN'T SAY! THIS IS NOT A MAP! 
John: It's coming up! North or South?
Shelley: I don't know.
John: Quick. Tell me.
Shelley: How am I supposed to...
John: Just @#$%ing tell me!
Shelley: North! Take it. Now!
John: @#$&! I missed it...

1:30
Shelley: What's that pinging sound?
John: @#$%! We're low on gas. We're going to have to turn off the motorway and find a petrol station.

2:00

John: What do the directions say?

Shelley: Ohhhhhhhhhhh...Ahhhhhhhhh...Mmmphhh....

John: Shelley, you've got to help.

Shelley: I can't. I'm sick from these roads. Pull over. NOW!!!!!!!!

2:30
John: Oh my God. The gas light's on too. We're almost out. Where the @$%^ are we?
Shelley: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...

2:45
John: Yesss! There's a petrol station. I'll sort out the petrol. You get the directions.
Shelley: Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
John: Don't mind my wife. She's not working today. We're a bit lost. Can you help us get to Cleobury?
Attendant: Right. Go round the round about, take the second left, over the bridge, past the bank, past the farm, and a white house, where I used to live, right at the T junction, left at the Cock and Fox Pub, through the high street and blah blah blah blah... Got that?

Shelley: Ahhhhhh....What did he say?
John: I have absolutely no idea.

2:30

Shelley: Holy S@#%!!!!!!!! Watch out for that lady crossing the road. 

John: (Winds down window) Sorry. Didn't see you.
Lady: You wanker!!

3:00

Shelley: How fast are you driving?

John: 40.

Shelley: Really? Ahhhhhhh..... Slow down.

John: ...

Shelley: John, I can see what the guy in front of you had for breakfast.

John:...

Shelley: Aieeeeeee!!! Watch out. He's braking!!

John: What an A##$%&*!!! Did you see that? He almost caused an accident. Why do people drive like that? 

3:30
Shelley: OMG. Are we almost there? I'm so sick. 

John: You have the directions. Read them.

Shelley: I can't look down. Besides, they don't make sense. 

John: Just give me the name of one of the towns.

Shelley: But, it doesn't have the names of any towns on it. Just roads and intersections. We should have bought a map or rented the GPS system. But oh no...

John: You told me that you could get us there with that.

Shelley: I did not. Today was the first time I ever saw this useless piece of...

John: Maybe I can figure it out. 

Shelley: Oh. Like that will help. You couldn't find your way out of a paper bag.

John: Is that right, Captain C. Scott?

Shelley: Who?

John: Never mind. We're here!! There's my sister. Smile.

Sister-in-law Wendy: How was your journey?

Shelley and John: Brilliant.

Brother-in law, Brian, Sister-in-law, Wendy, and me, Shelley

3:40

Total Time: About 5 hours.
Shelley and John

Tatiana, our Mean, Nasty, Adolescent, Uber GPS System

I was going to write about how great a job John did driving Big Sur.

I was also going to write about the elephant seals, specifically the male putting the moves on the female. 

I was finally going to share with you pictures and comments about the Hearst Castle. 

Instead, I have decided to write about our GPS system, AKA Tatiana, (Don’t ask) a mean, nasty, adolescent, uber B@$#itch.  I am convinced she is human. 

9:00  - 9:15 -  I type in “Hearst Castle.” No matter how I enter the information, the screen stays blank.

9:16 - I lose it. “Seriously?!? What is wrong with you? What is your problem? ”  

9:17 - I try San Simone, a local town near the Hearst Castle.

9:18 -  Nothing. I continue to enter San Simone in a variety of ways. Nothing. 

9:19 -  “John, what do you think is wrong with this thing? It’s almost like it is pouting because we turned it off in San Francisco. Is that it, Tatiana???? Fine, we are turning you off because we know there is only one highway to take. “B@$#itch.”

11:20 - Elephant seals on Highway #1.

12:00 - 4:00 - Hearst Castle on Highway #1.

4:01 - I decide to give Tatiana another chance. I type “Sand Dunes RV Resort”  in Pismo.

4:02 - Nothing.

4:03 - I give her the benefit of the doubt and try only the town "Pismo."  “Mean B@$#itch.”

4:04 - Tatiana slyly attempts to take us on a ridiculous alternate route around a mountain range on a gravel road.

4:05 - I threaten to throw her out the window if she doesn’t start to cooperate. “Mean, nasty B@$#itch.”

4:06 - John advises, “Shelley, be nice!” 

4:05 - I snort at the stupidity. I argue that there is no way “she” could have heard me  because “she” is just a stupid inanimate object. I enter a campground in the vicinity of Pismo. Nothing. “ Mean, nasty, adolescent B@$#itch!”

4:06 - Tatiana directs us to a large highway. A detour 20 miles out of our way.

4:07 - I counter attack. I have John call the campsite to get directions. We turn Tatiana off. It is important to show her who's boss! “Mean, nasty, adolescent, uber B@$#itch!”

5:30 - 7:30 - It’s been dark for almost 2 hours. We continue to drive around in circles. We take wrong roads, drive through scary parts of Pismo and end up in Guadalupe. A scary man yells at me from his truck, “Hurry the F@#$ up and F@$3^ing turn, you stupid B@#$@." Was that a gun? I’m scared. John's scared.

7:31 - My apology begins.

Shelley - 1

Tatiana - 1

Shelley and John