How to Make Friends Part 3 Out with Zumba and In With Rugby

Warning: "We" rugby players swear. A lot. Therefore, in order not to offend anyone, I have used @#$#*!!! for all of the swears.

Also, I have not used names of possible new friends, just in case I jinx it...

Our "finding friends thing" continues because Zumba didn't quite work out. Besides, some "friend" stole our camera, while we were Zumbaing. @#$#*er!!!  And the Comox Paddling Club has yet to have a paddle. So, we went to touch rugby on Thursday which was organized by the Comox Valley Kickers http://kickersrugby.ca/.  I didn't take my camera, as I didn't want people to think I was not cool. (Actually, that's a lie. I forgot it.) In order to give you a visual of the evening, John and I reenacted the highlights (With a football. BTW Who stole our rugby ball? @#$#*ers!!! ).

6:30 A couple of female players get out of their cars...

Blonde Girl: Hey Brunette Girl!!!You @#$@er!!! Where've you been?

Brunette Girl: Hey @#$#*er!!! How's it going? @#$#*!!!

6:35 
Shelley: Begins lacing up her "new" $15 rugby boots... (Actually second hand from Blue Toque www.bluetoquesports.com/) 
John: No Shelley. Rugby players never wear their boots to the pitch. They carry them. It's not cool.
Shelley: OK. OK. Thanks. I do want to be cool. Holy @#$#*!!! I'm a little nervous. I haven't really played touch rugby. You've played rugby all of your life. OMG! Those guys are huge and... Yikes!!! Look at those girls. One has a Canadian National Jersey on. She could easily kill me with one touch. I don't want to get hurt. I think I'm going to just watch.
John: Shelley, it's touch. Come on, you bought your first ever pair of rugby boots for this.

No one 's going to get hurt. Rugby players are the friendliest bunch in the world. Remember, we're here to make friends.
Shelley: OK. OK. You're right. Let's do this.

6:40 Shelley and John warm up...

6:45 Referee blows his whistle...

Referee: OK, you @#$#*ers!!! A reminder, it's touch. No @#$#*ing!!! tackling. It's supposed to be a @#$@ing!!! fast game. If you can't sprint, get off the @#$#*ing!!! field. Seven on seven. Come on ladies. Each team needs at least one of you. @#$#*!!! You in pink. What are you waiting for? A @#$#*ing!!! invitation? @#$#*!!! 

6:50 Roll ball. Pass to scary huge young male rugby player. Pass to blonde girl. Pass to me.
Shelley: (Fakes left. Fakes right. Stutter steps. Sees a scary huge young male rugby player steaming towards her out of the corner of her eye. Runs like her life depends on it. (It does)... and.. and... TRY!!!! A @#$#*ing!!! TRY!!!

7:05 
John: (Goes with the dummy, {a fake pass,} shoots past scary huge young male rugby player.)

Referee: Hey! @#$#*ing!!! scary huge young male rugby player! An old guy just beat you... Sorry, John.
Everyone but scary huge young rugby player: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

7:20  The other team has the ball. It's passed all the way to scary huge young male rugby player.
Scary huge young male rugby player: (Covers the ball. Lowers his shoulder. Charges.)    Roaarrrrrrrrghhhh!!!

Shelley: Aieeeeeee!
Scary huge young male rugby player: (Stops, but not before landing on Shelley's foot.) Oh! Sorry. Sorry. I forgot it's touch. I've only played tackle.
Pony Tail Girl: Well then, @#$#*er!!! Time for you to learn the @#$#*ing!!! rules of the game.
Shelley: (She could be my friend.) Ha! Ha! Ha! Right? Hi. I'm Shelley. (Want to be my friend?)

7:30 
John: (throws out the "old scissor move." Beats one... two... three... all of the scary huge young male rugby players and one... two... three... the not so scary normal male rugby players and one...two... three...the really scary female rugby players!)

TRYYYYY!!!  
John: (Take that you @#$#*ing!!! youngsters!!!... How's that for an old man? Huh? Huh?)

7:40
Shelley: (Intercepts a pass. Runs. Hears pounding foot steps getting closer and closer. Has fear. Runs faster. She is not stupid. Passes to scary huge young male rugby player.) Here!!!
Everyone: Give it back to her, you @#$#*er!!!
Scary huge young male rugby player: Here. Go. Quickly!!!
Shelley: (Is flustered. Puts the ball on the ground for her second try. Is elated. Proud.)
Scary huge young male rugby player from the other team: Hey. She touched it down before the try line.
All the scary huge young male rugby players from my team: Shut up, you @#$#*er!!! It counts.
Ref: TRY!!!

7:50 
John: (pulls his groin)

8:00  Game over. Beer time.
Pony Tail Girl: Where are you two from?

There's hope. But to put a little insurance in the bank, we registered for a 10K race on the weekend. At my pace, people like to chat.

Shelley and John

BTW. Everyone should have goals. Mine is to be on the Ellen Degeneres show and if that fails Chelsey Lately's. I figure if I can prove people actually read these blogs, I'll write Ellen a sixth time and she'll fall all over herself to put me on her show. So, if you would like to see me dance on Ellen...

• Click the followers button on the right sidebar.
• Click the Google+ button on the bottom.
• Leave a comment at the bottom if you want to add to the conversation. Who am I kidding? Start a conversation, if you like.
• If on Facebook, click like or unlike. Either way, your facebook friends have a chance to read it.
• For extra insurance, Share on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr
• and finally, read the other blogs. You never know what might make you laugh.

Thanks, 
Shelley and John

How to Make Yourself Heard? Honestly, I Have no Idea

Ahhh summer. 

A time for vacationing with family and friends. Sharing a glass of wine, on your deck, while watching the sunset. Joining the Smiths for a family dinner...

Everyone: Thanks for supper, John!!!

Husband John: You're welcome. Game?
Mom: Just a quick one. We're pretty tired.

Daughter-in-law Ash: Here's your tea, Shenley.
Brother Shenley: No. I asked for green tea. That's brown... and foamy... like mud. I can't drink that.
Ash: Right? Shelley made it from powder. It does look kind of funny. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley (me): Don't be silly. It's from Japan.
Shenley: Pretty sure it's not green tea.
Everyone: Drink it! Drink it! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Nephew Dan: WT?? Andrew!
Andrew: I didn't do anything.
Marina (Dan's mom): Stop it boys! 

Son Andrew: Dan! let go of my nipple.

Dan: Heh! Heh! Heh? Yeowwww!

Ash:...
Shenley: West Jet is suspending their flights to the Comox Valley from Edmonton and Calgary.

Dad: I heard that.

John: Shelley, while I get the cards, why don't you explain the game?
Shelley: (No. Absolutely not. Remember what happened to Shenley at Christmas when he tried to take the family picture? Please don't make me. http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2011/12/smith-christmas-tradition-3-how-to-take.html ) Why don't I get the cards and you explain? After all you cooked supper. You've done enough.
John:  (No. Absolutely not.  I do remember what happened to Shenley at Christmas when he tried to take the family picture. I'll make it up to you. Anything. I promise.) No. No. Sit. Sit. I'm already up. I insist.
Shelley: (Fine. But remember, you promised  ANYTHING) Ahhhh... So, the way you play this game is...
Mom: One deck gets dealt to four people.
Shelley: Thanks. That's right. But...

Ash:...
Andrew: Dan. Look at you champ. Eating the pork chop right out of your hands. You go buddy!
Dan: Mmmm. Chomp. Chomp. Soooo good.
Marina: Lord Jesus son. Do you want me to smack you? You just touched all those dirty coins. Go and get a fork.
Dan: Mmmphh?
Andrew: Gross. Right Auntie Marina?
Marina: Go. Now!

Ash:...
Shelley: But before you deal, you each need to throw a coin in the pot and then...
Mom: If you win you get to be the dealer.
Shenley: Guaranteed the value of real estate is going to go down when that happens.
Dad: That is not good news. Why is West Jet pulling the plug?
Andrew: Dan! Don't touch me with those dirty hands.
Dan: Like this? Googly!! Googly!!!
Andrew: Hey! You put grease on my shirt. I love this shirt.
Dan: Ow! Ow! Mom. Andrew just pinched me.
Marina: Andrew!!!

Ash:...
Andrew: What? He touched me with those grubby hands first.
Dan: OUCH!!! Mom! Don't hit me!
Marina: I'll more than hit you, if you don't stop.
Shelley: It's sort of like...
Mom: And, you can make up your own rules.

Ash:...

Shenley: It's because the city council sits on initiatives so people give up.
Dad: Longlands might be taken over by Crown Isle. 

Shelley:... like Bingo.
Mom: OK. Let's start.
Andrew: But, I don't know how to play.           

Ash: Because you weren't listening.
Andrew: Ash. That's not fair. Do you know how?
Ash: I have no idea.
Marina: Don't worry. We've all played before. We'll help you.
John: Right. I've got everything we need. Ready?
Shelley: Absolutely. Let's do this.
Andrew: Why don't we play spoons? Everyone knows how to play spoons.

Shelley and John

PS: I copy and pasted the following from:  http://www.retireinstyleblog.com/

• JUST A THOUGHT
  I read that if bloggers want their readers to help them, they should tell the reader what to do.  Here goes:
  • Click the followers button on the right sidebar.
  • Click the Google+ button on the right sidebar.
  • Leave a comment if you want to add to the conversation.

  And now mine...

  • If on Facebook, click like or unlike. Either way, your facebook friends have a chance to read it.
  • Share on Facebook because... 

  My goal is to be on Ellen Degeneres and if that fails Chelsey Lately.

Oops! The Do's and Don'ts of Investing

My Son, Matt, Daughter-in-law Ash, Son Andrew, Shelley(me),  Husband John

Dear Matt, Andrew and Ash,
You are at that point in your life where you are successfully pursuing your careers, off your parents' payroll (hopefully), repaying loans to us (Not you Ash!) and in a position to think about what to do with your savings. So, I thought I would pass on some obvious and not so obvious do's and don'ts of investing.

Don't consume alcohol while working the accounts. Save it for later because while living in Japan...

Shelley: I'm just going to check to see if we bought the stock I placed an order for last night.... That's funny. Under cash it says negative $75,000. I wonder what they mean by that?... I'll just go to the "Activity Section" and check... Oh my God!!! Oh. My. Dear. God. I ordered $100,000 instead of $10,000 and it went through. Oh God. I was thinking in Japanese Yen. Oh my God. How could I buy $100,000 worth of stock when I didn't have $100,000? Oh no. What are we going to do?

John: We are going to hope that it goes up, real fast. Don't worry.

Shelley: That's all you can say? "Let's hope it goes up. Don't worry." Are you kidding me? I need to phone RBC. Now. Oh. No. I can't. They're closed. I'm going to have to wait until 4:30 in the morning. I'm sweating. My whole body is wet. There's sweat running off my eye lashes. I think I'm going to be sick. Ak. Ak. Ak.

John: Drink?

Matt, Andrew, Ash. This is called "buying stock on margin." 

OK. That was the worst one. Next...
Do your homework before you do anything with your money (savings accounts, real estate, bonds, stock, etfs...) and continue to educate yourself.
That means talk to professional investors, grandpa, watch BNN, read books, articles, blogs,....

Don't invest in what you don't understand.
I still don't understand what selling short means, despite Grandpa trying to explain it, the good folks from RBC trying to explain it and investment advisors trying to explain it. So, I don't do it.

Do use your teabags more than once. You would not believe how much money that will save you. Kidding! That's Uncle Spencer's advice.

Don't invest in anything that makes you uncomfortable.
In other words, figure out what your risk tolerance is and invest accordingly. GIC's are pretty low right now, but you'll sleep well at night. And, if we had bought them 12 years ago, instead of believing we would average 6% per year from the long list of financial advisors we hired, we would have the same bottom line as we do now, but without the night sweats. Go figure.

Don't believe that blue chip stocks are 100% risk free. 

We bought BP and two weeks later...

Don't take research advice too literally. 

A few years back, Apple was priced at $90. Analysts recommended a buy at $89. We didn't buy. It's now worth around $700 per share.

Don't check E-mail, Facebook, Blogs and other accounts while investing. Multi tasking ended for me when the following took place...
RBC Rep.: Mrs. Smith. Did you just place an order with RBC?
Shelley: I sure did. Did I buy it?
RBC Rep.: Your order was to sell. That might be a little difficult as you don't own any of that stock.

And to piggy back on the last one, do stay focused. That means don't talk on the phone, on Skype or to others while purchasing or selling. Just last week...
Grandpa (Roy): I'm going to put a buy in at 24.
Shelley: I like that stock too. Let's see who can get it first.
Grandpa: Ha! You better not buy it before me. It will make the price go up.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ha! I just bought it. 
Grandpa: No! Wait. It's OK, I got in at 24.
Shelley:... That's because I just bought the wrong preferred.

Do have fun!
Love,
Mom and Dadxoxoxox

PS: If anyone else out there has more advice for these young ones, pass it on!

Shelley and John

More and More and More Deck Tips

John: Arghhhh!!!!!!!!  Shelley! Look at the deck. The "guaranteed to last for years" stain is peeling off for the second year in a row! What are we going to do?
Shelley: That's it. I'm so done with staining that stupid deck. Let's put ceramic tiles on it.
Dad: Jeez. That's too bad. Maybe you'll have to stain the whole thing.

Mom: No. Just paint where it's flaking off.
Clerk #1: Not a clue. Can't help you. Sorry.
Shenley (Brother): Hmmm... while I think about it, know that you can use my belt sander, my hand sander, my high pressure water hose, my work horses, my electric drill, my battery drill...

Clerk #2: North West Coast BC weather on wooden decks... sucks eh?
Mom: Cover it with an indoor outdoor carpet.

Clerk #3: A sander should do it. But, not the industrial belt sander. The nails will rip the belt and that will cost you $800 to replace. What you need is a oscillating sander. We don't have those.

Clerk #4: Sorry, all out of oscillating sanders. Deck season.
Mom: Outdoor rubber flooring.
Clerk #5: Do not use a sander. It will take off the treated layer, then you'll have to prime it.
Dan (Nephew): I built most of that deck. BTW, I don't think I was paid enough.

Nephew Tyler (Nephew): You were paid!?!?  Why didn't anyone ask me to help? I would have helped.

Clerk #6: Try a high pressure water hose.
Woman in Clerk #6's store: Buy a stain stripper, a brush and use the water pressure hose to remove what's left. Then paint it.

Mom: Outdoor flooring.

Clerk #7: Whatever you do, do not use a high pressure water hose. It'll gouge the wood.

Neighbour who lives on our left: When you do something, you should do it right the first time.

Clerk #8: No matter how you take off the stain, you'll need to prime it.

Clerk #9: No need to prime it.
Woman walking her dog: Should have used composite flooring.

Marina (sister-in-law): We used the "lifetime guaranteed not to rot composite flooring." The wood underneath is probably rotting as we speak.
Deck Builder: Flip the boards.
4 year old neighbour who lives on our right: Those brown spots don't look good.

Andrew (son): Looks good enough for a nap. What'd you do?

John: OMG. We tried everything. But, ended up sanding and painting only the chipped areas.
Mom: What I'd tell you?

Shelley and John

How to Make Friends Part 2 Take a Zumba Class

Determined to make friends in the Valley, we head out to our first and possibly last Zumba class...

John: Not sure if I really want to do this. I bet I'll be the only guy.

Shelley: You're doing it. You promised me that we were in the "finding friends thing" together.  

John: Hope she's patient.

Shelley: You'll be fine. Did you know that dance stimulates the memory?

John: Shame we didn't go this morning, maybe you wouldn't have left the groceries in the car all afternoon. 

Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ready?

John: Not really.

In the car, on the way home...
Shelley: I think the Instructor liked us. What was her name, again?
John: Not a clue.
Shelley and John: (Sh@#! Sh@#&y S@#! S@#!)


Shelley and John

How to Make Friends Part 1 Car Dealerships, the Dentist, Comox Paddling Club

We love spending time with family:

Ash and Andrew,

dad and mom,

Marina and Shenley.

But, it's time for us to make some new friends. 

During the barbecue, at the Car Dealership, where we bought our truck and fifth wheel,

I make my first attempt...

Todd (Car salesman): Shelley, John, this is my wife, Alicia.

Shelley and John: Hi. Nice to meet you.
Alicia: Cool hair.
Shelley: (Alicia could be my friend. Alicia will be my friend.) Thanks. Might as well have a little fun with it when it starts to turn white. What else can you do? Right? This part - all natural. This part- has a little help. Oh Ha! Ha! Ha! 
Alicia: Uh...
Todd: Hey honey, touch rugby is starting up for the summer next Thursday.
Shelley: I'm definitely going even though I haven't played for-ev-er. Going to have to get some soccer cleats. What do you think? Do you think I need them? Oh Ha! Ha! Ha! 
Alicia: Uh...
Shelley: Do you play? Are you going? Want to be on my team? Oh Ha! Ha! Ha! 
Alicia:...Uh...
Shelley: Want to be my friend? Oh Ha! Ha! Ha! 
Alicia:...Uh... I don’t know. It’s the first time I heard of it. Excuse me for a second. Todd? 
Shelley: (S#$%!)

While at the dentist's...
with John’s final words of encouragement ringing in my ears, “Remember to ask the Dentist and his wife to come over for supper. Or, see if they want to go kayaking with us. And for God's sake, don't be too aggressive. Remember what happened with Alicia." I look for an opening.

Dentist's wife: How are you liking the valley?

Shelley: Great. We've just bought new kayaks. Swifties. 9.5's. We just love them. Well, actually we haven't paddled in them yet. But, I have sat in mine at the store. Oh Ha! Ha! Ha! (Bring it down a notch)
Dentist's wife: Really?
Shelley: Yes. We bought them in Oregon. Great deal, as there are no taxes there. Not like here, right? (Better)
Dentist's wife: Oh, that's right. 
Shelley: We would love to go out with someone from the area, who could show us some routes. Maybe grab a beer or a glass of wine after. Or tea. It doesn't have to be alcohol, if she doesn't drink. I personally don't think you have to drink to have a good time. Although I am not going to lie to you, I like to have a social drink. Red wine mostly. Good for your heart. What do you think? (Stop. Just stop!)
Dentist's wife: That's a great idea.
Shelley: Really? That's great. Great. When do you guys want to join us? (I have a new friend! I have a new friend! I. HAVE. A. NEW. FRIEND!!!!)
Dentist's wife: Oh, I'm so sorry, Shelley. I meant, it's great that you guys are so interested in meeting people. But, we can't commit to anything these days, because we're always working. Besides, I am not sure you would want to come with us, because we always go skinny dipping when we're out kayaking.
Shelley: (What? Euhhh!) Really? Wow.
Dentist's wife: Comox Valley has a Paddling Club that meets on Thursdays. Why don't you and John go to one of their meetings? I heard they're really nice.

Shelley: (S#$%!)

At the end of the Comox Valley Paddling Club meeting...
I attempt to clarify our plan.

Shelley: What the Hell? Why didn't you get up with me to introduce ourselves?
John: I didn't see any reason for both of us to talk.
Shelley: You are such a jerk. You're the one who said we should come here tonight and then you leave it up to me to try and make some friends. Do you know how stupid I felt when the President insisted that I stand on a chair to introduce myself? 
John: You were great. Everyone loved your little speech about working overseas, buying kayaks and asking if they wanted to be our friends. 

Shelley: Whatever. You better promise me that the next time we do the "finding friends thing," we do it together, no matter what, one hundred percent, or, I'm done.

John: (S#$%!) Promise.

At home...

John: Just got an e-mail saying that the Wednesday paddle is cancelled.

Shelley: Guess we're going to Zumba.
John: (S#$%!)

Shelley and John

S#$% my Husband Thinks - While at the Doctor's

I've moved to WordPress. After reading this post, come on over and check out my new site.

http://honeydidyouseethat.wordpress.com/  

Medical check-up day. John joins me in the waiting room...

Shelley: How'd it go?
John: Oh my God! I am so embarrassed.
Shelley: Why?
John: (Starts to whisper) Because, as I was lying there, waiting to be examined, he started chatting.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! No?! Tell me everything. From the start.

Doctor: (Thwack! On goes the rubber gloves.) Didn't you have a blood test for prostate cancer last year?
John: Yes, but, I heard the digital rectal examination was more accurate than the blood test.
Doctor: (He casually leans against the cabinet and examines his gloves) Actually, that's only true if you combine this test with the PSA blood test.
What John thinks: Ha! And Shelley said I was being paranoid. I knew I shouldn't have listened to her.  
What John says: Good to know.
Doctor: Do you know what the most common cancers are for men?
What John thinks: Oh. Oh. 
What John says: No.
Doctor: Take a guess. Go on.
What John thinks: Noooo. He wants to chat.
What John says: Prostate? 

Doctor: You almost got it. Number one is lung. (Shakes one rubber clad finger) You don't smoke do you?
What John thinks: No! Please! Don't do this! Not now!
What John says: No.
Doctor: Good. Good. I believe I knew that. The number two cancer is prostate cancer. (Shakes two rubber clad fingers) So, definitely a good thing that you are having this examination. And, the third most common cancer is colon cancer. (Shakes three rubber clad fingers) 
What John thinks: Dear God. 
What John says: Dear God.
Doctor: Did you know that colon cancer hardly ever gets detected because people are too embarrassed to have their colon checked?
What John thinks: Can't imagine why.
What John says: No. 
Doctor: Tell you what, as soon as I hit fifty-five, the first thing I'm going to do is get a colonoscopy. You should do the same. You're not too embarrassed to have one, are you?
What John thinks: Apparently not. 
What John says: Apparently not.
Doctor: Let me look at my calendar. I can book you in for next September. How's that?
What John thinks: Oh Jesus Christ! Whatever! Just get on with it!
What John says: Fine.
Doctor: (Adjusts the fingers on his gloves) But, I'm going to warn you. It isn't too pleasant. Basically, what happens is we give you a solution to clean you out, then, we head up there with a camera. You will definitely have polyps. Not to worry, we take them out.
What John thinks: Faaaaccckkkkk Me!!!!!!!!! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
What John says: Maybe you could...
Doctor: You'll feel pretty sick after the procedure, so someone will have to drive you home. But, by the next day, you won't feel a thing. OK. Ready? 
What John thinks: I should have listened to Shelley.
What John says: Ready.

Don't forget to check out my new site:

http://honeydidyouseethat.wordpress.com/  

Shelley and John