Getting Old is Not for Sissies

Me: Doctor, I read that your ears and nose continue to grow as you get older. Quite frankly, that scares me. A lot. Have you seen the size of my nose?

Doctor: Ha! Ha! Relax. That's not quite accurate. Your ears don't grow longer, they just lose their elasticity. Imagine what your ears would look like now if you had used those plug earrings. Ha! Ha!  And, as for the nose, it doesn't get any wider, it gets longer. Like a hook. Not much you can do about that either, though, unless you are willing to pay the big bucks for plastic surgery. Are you?

Me: Not on this budget.
Doctor: Any other concerns?
Me: My eyes are progressively getting weaker. My right eye is already at plus five.

Doctor: Perfectly normal.
Me: But if this keeps up, I'll eventually be blind.
Doctor: That's a little melodramatic, don't you think? Any other concerns?
Me: My hair is falling out. Every morning I sweep it off the pillow.

Doctor: Perfectly normal too. Over  50% of the women, who are menopausal, lose their hair.
Me: Perfectly normal? But, I don't want to go bald.
Doctor: (Points to his head) Look at me. Do you think "I "want to go bald?
Me: What? No. But, at least you look trendy with it cut short.
Doctor: That's a very sexist thing to say. Maybe you could shave yours, like Sinead O'Conner.
Me: From the 80's? But, she shaved a full head of hair. And, it looked awful. What about vitamins?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me: A prescription?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me:What then?
Doctor: Rogaine.
Me: Rogaine? The stuff John tried 25 years ago? The stuff that makes your hair greasy and leaves clumps of black gooey stuff everywhere as soon as you stop using it? No thanks.
Doctor: Don't panic. You won't completely go bald, it will grow back like peach fuzz.
Me: Peach fuzz?
Doctor: (Looks at his watch) Any other concerns?
Me: My knee. It blew up a couple of times during the winter.

Doctor: RICE. Rest, ice, compress and elevate.
Me:I know that, but...
Doctor: You need to know that it will get worse. Much worse. So bad that you won't be able to walk on it without excruciating pain.
Me: Wow! Will Glucosamine sulfate help protect the cartilage?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me:Vitamin D?
Doctor: Won't work.
Me: Vitamin C. Surely Vitamin C will...
Doctor: Won't work. Waste of money. At some point you'll have to go under the knife. Any other concerns?
Me: My menopause subscription refilled. But, it's not vey effective and I'm still having hot flashes powerful enough to light up this office.

I can deal with the flashes. But, I can't sleep and I'm pretty sure that guzzling Nyquil is not the answer. And, much worse,  if I do have wine that night, so I can sleep, I lie in bed worrying that I'm drinking too much.
Doctor: Double your medication.
Me: But, it's over 60 dollars a month.
Doctor: We'll change it. Did you know the prescription is actually for birth control pills? I can give you the kind where you can become pregnant.
Me: At 51?
Doctor: Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Any other concerns?

Me: Guess there's nothing you can do about memory loss.

Doctor: What? I forgot what you just said. Just playing with you. Ha! Ha! Perfectly normal. So, if that's about it, we'll see you next year.

Shelley and John

S#$% my Husband Thinks - While at the Doctor's

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Medical check-up day. John joins me in the waiting room...

Shelley: How'd it go?
John: Oh my God! I am so embarrassed.
Shelley: Why?
John: (Starts to whisper) Because, as I was lying there, waiting to be examined, he started chatting.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! No?! Tell me everything. From the start.

Doctor: (Thwack! On goes the rubber gloves.) Didn't you have a blood test for prostate cancer last year?
John: Yes, but, I heard the digital rectal examination was more accurate than the blood test.
Doctor: (He casually leans against the cabinet and examines his gloves) Actually, that's only true if you combine this test with the PSA blood test.
What John thinks: Ha! And Shelley said I was being paranoid. I knew I shouldn't have listened to her.  
What John says: Good to know.
Doctor: Do you know what the most common cancers are for men?
What John thinks: Oh. Oh. 
What John says: No.
Doctor: Take a guess. Go on.
What John thinks: Noooo. He wants to chat.
What John says: Prostate? 

Doctor: You almost got it. Number one is lung. (Shakes one rubber clad finger) You don't smoke do you?
What John thinks: No! Please! Don't do this! Not now!
What John says: No.
Doctor: Good. Good. I believe I knew that. The number two cancer is prostate cancer. (Shakes two rubber clad fingers) So, definitely a good thing that you are having this examination. And, the third most common cancer is colon cancer. (Shakes three rubber clad fingers) 
What John thinks: Dear God. 
What John says: Dear God.
Doctor: Did you know that colon cancer hardly ever gets detected because people are too embarrassed to have their colon checked?
What John thinks: Can't imagine why.
What John says: No. 
Doctor: Tell you what, as soon as I hit fifty-five, the first thing I'm going to do is get a colonoscopy. You should do the same. You're not too embarrassed to have one, are you?
What John thinks: Apparently not. 
What John says: Apparently not.
Doctor: Let me look at my calendar. I can book you in for next September. How's that?
What John thinks: Oh Jesus Christ! Whatever! Just get on with it!
What John says: Fine.
Doctor: (Adjusts the fingers on his gloves) But, I'm going to warn you. It isn't too pleasant. Basically, what happens is we give you a solution to clean you out, then, we head up there with a camera. You will definitely have polyps. Not to worry, we take them out.
What John thinks: Faaaaccckkkkk Me!!!!!!!!! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
What John says: Maybe you could...
Doctor: You'll feel pretty sick after the procedure, so someone will have to drive you home. But, by the next day, you won't feel a thing. OK. Ready? 
What John thinks: I should have listened to Shelley.
What John says: Ready.

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Shelley and John