How to Stay Happily Married Tip #4 Turn up the Heat

What a day. First a visit to Sedona, home of the Red Rocks,

Then we headed north........

to the Grand Canyon, the seventh Natural Wonder of the World. 

While hiking the southern rim of the Grand Canyon, we were blown away by how many people ventured off the trail, to climb on unprotected ledges, for the perfect shot. Of course, sane people, like the Smiths, wouldn't think of straying off the trail. 

If you look on the left, that's where people actually stood for pictures.

But now that we have spent another night in the high desert, at 6,467 feet, at minus 10 degrees celsius, I'm not sure how "sane" we really are.

11:00 last night........

John: Move over. I'm coming to bed. Ah! Ah! Ah! Holy S#$%! It's freezing. 

Shelley: Hurry! Hurry! You're letting the cold air in! 

John: Aieeee!! What the H#$% is that?

Shelley: My feet. They're cold.

John: Get them off me Shelley. 

Shelley: No. They're cold. I need to warm them up.

John: Go and put some socks on. 

Shelley: I will if you go get them for me. Otherwise...

John: Aieeee!! Jesus Christ Shelley. OK. OK. One.... Two.... Three....Ah! Ah! Ah! Lift the covers! Lift the covers!......... Pull down the covers! Pull down the covers! 

Shelley: John.

John:.....

Shelley: John!

John: What? For Christ sake, I'm trying to get some sleep.

Shelley: Can you do me a favour? I need to take out my contacts, brush my teeth and go to the bathroom.

John:.....

Shelley: John. Did you hear me?

John: Shelley. No. You'll still have to get up to use the bathroom.

Shelley: Puhlease. Please. Please. If you get my toothbrush and contact case, I  know I can wait until the morning......I'll let you put your feet on me.

John: Not going to happen. I'm toooo cold. 

Shelley: Fine. I can wait it out..... Hey, are you wearing your wool hat? Are you really that cold?

John: For the love of God, I'm trying to get some sleep. But yes I'm wearing a wool hat and yes I am really that cold.... I shouldn't have shaved my head last night, but the hair was getting in my eyes.

John and Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: Wow. I can see my breath.

John: This is the coldest I've ever been. Ever. You?

Shelley: I was colder at Lake Sai. But at least there were onsens and I had those heat packs plastered all over my body. It looked like I had some kind of freaky disease where the skin falls off you. 

John and Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

John: OK. Turn off the light. Let's get some sleep. Ahhh!! Jesus Shelley! What are you doing???
Shelley: Kicking off the covers. I'm hot. Menopause John.
John: You're kidding. 
Shelley: Not at all. Warmest I've been in ages. Night. LOL!!

7:00 the next morning...

John: #%#$%#%ing @#$@$#ity @#$@#$ @#$@#$!!!!! THE #%#$%#%ingWATER PIPES HAVE #%#$%#%ing FROZEN!!!!! AGAIN!!!!! AND THE #%#$%#%$ing SEWER. BOTH OF THEM #%#$%#%$!!!!!!!

Shelley: (Still in bed) John, I'm not sure if this is a good time. But, I just thought about this. I know that the propane heat would have been expensive and not lasted the night, but why didn't we put the electric heat on? 

Shelley and John

Why I Miss Dr. Laura or 1-800- CALL-JOHN

Sitting on an underground potty

On our way to Sedona, Arizona...

John: Hey. You’re pretty quiet and you're never quiet. Why not call 1-800-CALL-JOHN and tell John what's up?

Shelley: Ha! Ha! I’m good. Just thinking about Arizona.

John: Aww. Come on. It’ll be fun.

Shelley: ........ OK. But remember, you insisted. 1-800-CALL-JOHN.

John: Welcome back, Shelley. What’s your question?

Shelley: My husband and I have been on the road for five months and although we’re having a fabulous time, there is this one thing....

John: You are a lucky girl to have someone as special as your husband to share your adventures with. 

Shelley: True. However, as I was saying, there is this one thing that he does, that drives me absolutely bat loco crazy and I’m not too sure what to do about it.

John: Ha! Ha! Ha!...... Are you sure you want to share this with the public?

Shelley: Oh yes. In fact, he insisted I call in. So,this morning, just when we were about to start packing up, he sat down and started making calls on Skype. God, I don’t know why he gets on Skype, because it just stresses him out, as it rarely works and...

John: Who’s he calling?

Shelley: Family members and then moves on to friends.

John: Let me get this straight, you phoned in to complain about your husband, who regularly calls his family and friends.

Shelley: What? No! I love that he calls family and friends. It’s what happens after, that drives me nuts. As soon as he finishes, he jumps up and starts frantically rushing around packing things away, while relentlessly badgering me to hurry. He says he’s stressing about whether or not we’ll make it to the next site on time.

John: Can’t see a problem with a man who is punctual.

Shelley: What? But it can’t be OK for him to turn off the TV, unplug the wires and pack it away while I’m still watching it? Right?

John: Definitely OK. I think you should thank him for helping you focus. 

Shelley: Thank him? Should I thank him for stepping over me, so he can brush his teeth, while I’m on my knees, scrubbing the toilet?

John: Absolutely. Cleanliness is very important.

Shelley: I see. Then, what about standing at the door, yelling,”Are you ready to go?” which I’m obviously not, as I’m holding the broom and the dust bin?

John: Sounds like John is more efficient with his jobs than you are. 

Shelley: Is that what it sounds like to you? Here's what it sounds like to me. I think..

John: Time for a music break. (John actually turns on the radio, top volume. When the song finishes, he turns it off) That was the Stones', “You Can’t Always Get What You Want." Kind of appropriate, don't you think, Shelley? Ha! Ha! Ha! Well look at that, we're out of time. Thanks for calling the “John Smith Can Do Anything He Wants Show.” 

Shelley: .......... 

Shelley and John

You Know It's Time to Leave New Mexico When You Think You Have a Serious Chance of Winning American Idol

You know it's time to leave New Mexico when....

you think you "are "the Park Rangers at the Carlsbad Caverns National Park, the Eighth Natural Wonder of the World,

the temperature drops to minus six degrees celsius, at night, causing your hoses to freeze, and the water line to burst,

there's snow,

you stop at a Casino to gamble a little, and eat a little...... before noon,

 you visit The White Sands National Monument and you lose your reading glasses!

  Reading glasses on the collar of my shirt.

Reading glasses off the collar of my shirt!

You really know it's time to leave when you drive for two days, directly into, at times, 50 mph head winds,

when you are a little too close to ......

and.....

you think that you have a serious chance to win "American Idol."

A SERIOUS CHANCE!

Shelley and John

Have The Roswell Aliens Abducted my Husband?

I am not surprised that after we visited Roswell, New Mexico, the following conversation took place.

John: Right. I’ve listened to enough radio talk shows. I am now more than qualified to host my own. 

Shelley: Mmmhmmm. That’s nice.

John: Are you listening? I am going to start my own radio show. You know, the kind where people phone in and ask questions. 

Shelley: Maybe you should talk to Ashly first, or study her podcasts from her show.

John: Jesus Christ, Shelley. Have some faith. It’s not like I’m going to go on air without getting some experience. I know I need to practice. In fact, let’s do it now. Go.

Shelley: Now?

John: Now.

Shelley: OK. Hello. Is this John Smith?

John: No. First you have to phone me.

Shelley: That’s kind of silly.

John: It’s only silly because I thought of it. You’ve got your blog. Now I’ve got my show. If you want to help me with my show, like I help you with your blog, call 1-800 - CALL- JOHN.

Shelley: Heh! Heh! It’s kind of like I am calling a porn number. Are you some kind of wierdo? 

John: ..........

Shelley: OK. OK. 1-800 - CALL- JOHN

John: Hello. John here. What's your question?

Shelley:.....S@#$. I don’t have one. I wasn’t expecting to be the first caller. Can you put me on hold while I think of one?

John: Ask me about red cars.

Shelley: What about red cars?

John: No. Ask me what “is it” about red cars. Start again.

Shelley: 1-800 - CALL- JOHN

John: Shelley. Don’t be such a .......! You know that you’re already on air.
Shelley: Is this for real? Am I really in the middle of nowhere, in a truck, with my husband, who believes he’s on the radio, live, hosting his own talk show?

John:................

Shelley: Fine. What "is it" about red cars?

John: No. Ask me why police stop more red cars than cars of any other colour?

Shelley: John, why do police stop more red cars than cars of any other colour?

John: 72.5% of the cars stopped by police are red.

Shelley: One - you made that stat. up. Two - you didn’t answer the question that "you" made me ask. 

John: You can’t challenge my stats. It’s an official John Smith stat. 

Shelley: What a load of rubbish. How about “you” answering your question?

John:.........

Shelley: Wait a sec. You don’t know the answer. 

John: I do. However, you’re such a rude caller, that I’ve decided to end this call. Good bye. Next caller, please.

Shelley: Aha! Now I know what’s happening here. You used Shelley’s story, but forgot how it ended. Right?

John...........

Shelley: Seriously! Seriously? Ah, Jesus! 1-800- CALL- JOHN!!!!!!!

John: Hello. John here. Go ahead, ask your question. 

Shelley: Hello. I think my husband was abducted by aliens. He's been acting really differently. What can....

John: Whoops! I am so sorry. Seems like we lost that irritating caller. 

Shelley: You can’t do that. 

John: Actually I can. You know why, because it’s the “John Smith Can Do Anything He Wants Show.” Next Caller Please.

Shelley and John

PS: Ashly, my talented, beautiful new daughter-in-law has her own "real" radio show. Look her up on: http://whatpinksoundslike.com/2012/02/20/what-pink-sounds-like-new-time-new-day/

How To Stay Happily Married Tip # 3 Stay Calm While Paddling Together

We've kayaked the Colorado and the Guadalupe Rivers. But those experiences don't come close to our recent outing on the San Marcos in Texas.

Four weeks ago, substantial flooding caused large trees to fall and partially block sections of the San Marcos river. Luckily, for the  first few miles, we successfully managed to maneuver around them, but it was only a matter of time when...

Shelley and John:..... Paddle! Paddle!
John: Oh! S#@t!! The current's spinning us backwards.
Shelley and John: OH NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Shelley: HANG ON! I THINK WE'LL BE OK! JUST GO OVER IT BACKWARDS!! AHHHHH!!! WE'RE TURNING SIDEWAYS!!!
John: OH MY GOD!!!! MY KAYAK'S STUCK UNDER YOURS!! IT'S FILLING WITH WATER!! I'M GOING TO FLIP! I'M GOING TO...  AAHHHH!!! (DISAPPEARS.... THEN EXPLODES OUT OF THE WATER)
Shelley: JOHN!!! ARE YOU OK?!?
John: (Now standing, waist deep, jammed against a log)Yes!! I'm OK. Are you OK? ACHH!!! THE SKIRT'S GONE. SORRY SHENLEY! S@#T!!! THE KAYAK'S HALFWAY UNDER THIS FALLEN TREE... IT'S STUCK... Euhhhh.... I can feel stuff floating by my legs. Hang on, I'm going to put my water shoes on and push the kayak all the way under the log. I'm OK. Go ahead. I'll meet you on the river bank...

The Offending Tree

Shelley: Wow! That was pretty scary. John, I  really admire  how you calm you were. Really, I'm so impressed how you held it together.
John: Ah thanks Shelley. Never forget that John Smith did not flinch when he looked death in the eye.
Shelley: (Whispering) Speaking of death. Look... in the trees, shrubs and river banks. Oh my God. They're everywhere.

John: There's hundreds of them.
Shelley: Look how they're staring at us with their beady, black eyes. It's like we are in Alfred  Hitchcock's "The Birds," except those are not gulls. They're vultures, the biggest, ugliest, grossest birds ever. Remember in the movie, how hundreds and hundreds of birds perched everywhere, resting, before their next attack? It's just like that. Isn't it?

John: Jesus Christ, Shelley! My life just flashed before my eyes and now you are trying to freak me out.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! I'm joking. Vultures only eat dead things. Maybe they're just waiting to scavenge what gets caught under submerged tree trunks.

John: Not funny. Too soon. That's it. I'm getting out and walking.
Shelley: What? No! Are you crazy? Why?
John: They're too close. I don't like the way they're staring at me. Come on.
Shelley: No. That is not going to happen. You can. But, a better idea would be to ignore them and take a picture.
John: Are "you" crazy?
Shelley: Come on, John. Just take a picture. Otherwise no one will believe us.

ask.com

800 × 1141 - Turkey Vulture | Ask.com Encyclopedia

John: Fine. I'll take a picture. But, you need to know that I am not comfortable doing this. (Takes a few pictures, puts the camera away)
Shelley: Thanks. OK, let's paddle as quietly as....
John: HEY! WOOAAHHH! SCRAMMMM!!!!!!!!! YAIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Shelley: WHAT THE??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING????
John: I told you I didn't like how they are staring at me, watching my every move. So, I'm trying to scare them.
Shelley: (Back to whispering) Mission accomplished. Jesus. Now they're scared AND circling us. They're so close, I can hear their wings flapping. That's it. I'm out of here. (Starts to paddle)
John: (Whispering) OK. OK. Stop. Wait. I won't yell again. How about this? Let's just float, without paddling, past them. We'll be so quiet and still, they'll forget we are here.
Shelley: (Still whispering) Or they'll think we're dead, and start swooping down to tear chunks of flesh off of us.

Shelley and John:........ Paddle! Paddle!

Shelley and John

What is it About Bodily Functions?

Lousiana's I 10 is built on cement pylons over swamp.

Isn't it interesting how bodily functions are either highly offensive or highly entertaining? For example, on the way back from Louisiana......

Shelley: Oh! My! God!!! John!!!! You stink! Gak! Gak! GaK!
John: It wasn't me.
Shelley: BS. Can you at least roll down the window before you do that?
John: It wasn't me.
Shelley: That is so not true. Would you have done "that" if we were on our first date?
John: It wasn't me and we're not on our first date.
Shelley: Would you have at least rolled down the window, if we were on our first date?
John: It wasn't me. But if it was me on our first date, I would have.
Shelley: If it wasn't you, why did you lean to one side?
John: It wasn't me. I leaned to one side so I could see out the window. Why don't you look out the window? Can you see those oil refineries? Did you stop to think that it could be them?

Shelley: It wasn't. It was you. Admit it.
John: Maybe it was you.
Shelley: Not a chance. Besides, "I" don't stink.

John: Ohhhhh I forgot. You're perfect! Speaking of perfect, remember Jim's story of the "perfect monster poop?"
Shelley: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, but tell it again.
John: Picture Jim teaching his Social Studies class, when another teacher knocks on his door. He tells Jim to go to the men's toilets. Right away. Although Jim says he's teaching, the other teacher pushes Jim out the door.
Shelley: When Jim reaches the men's room, he opens the cubicle door and sees a sheet of paper taped above the toilet. It says...
Shelley and John:"Do not flush! Possible world record!"
John: Curious, he opens the lid, looks inside, and there it is....the most "perfect monster poop" coiled round and round filling the entire bowl.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: He didn't flush, right?
John: Are you kidding? He knocked on the next teacher's door.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Imagine what would have happened if the students found out.
John: Or the Principal.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Promise me you'll open the window next time.
John:..... Jesus Christ Shelley!

Shelley and John

Internet Connection Down? Call the IT Experts!

My sister-in law's internet went down. When this happens, the neighbourhood's goes down too. So, Shelley phoned her IT company to check.

IT Expert #1: (Perky) Hello. This is Karen. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Shelley: Hi. My name's Shelley and I'm calling to check if the internet's down in the neighbourhood.
IT Expert #1: One second, Shelley. No.
Shelley: Arghhh!
IT Expert #1: I can appreciate your frustration. Hang in there, as an IT expert, I can help you. Is your TV working?
Shelley: Yes.
IT Expert #1:Phone?
Shelley: Yes.
IT Expert #1: What kind of modem do you have?
Shelley: ____
IT Expert #1: Try plugging the modem directly into the computer.
Shelley:.........No... It still doesn't work.
IT Expert #1: Hmmmmmm.......Try running the following programs.

Shelley: .......... No.... It still doesn't work.

IT Expert #1: Hmmmm....... Are the lights on in the modem box?

Shelley: Yes. But one's flashing.
IT Expert #1: That's the D link. Don't worry about the D link. The other ones are the important ones. ......hmmmmm......hmmmmm...... Shelley, I'm sorry, that's all I can do for you. I'm going to patch you through to IT Expert #2. Thank you for choosing us. We are available 24/7. Have a nice day.

IT Expert #2: Hello. This is Billy. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Shelley: Hi. My name's Shelley. My internet isn't working.
IT Expert #2: (Snippily) Repeat your name.
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Put your mouth next to the phone. I can't hear you.
Shelley: SHELLEY!
IT Expert #2: (Impatiently) You're yelling now?!?!
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Kelly. How can I help you?
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Shirley, the most important thing is the D link. Is the D link light flashing?
Shelley: Shelley..... But the IT Expert #1 said not to worry about it.
IT Expert #2: (Haughtily) Did she now? (Goes through the exact same procedure as IT Expert #1) .....hmmmmm......hmmmmm...... Michelle, that's all I can do for you. I'm going to give you the phone number to IT Expert #3. Thank you for choosing us. We are available 24/7. Have a nice day.

Shelley: Arghhhh! I just wasted an hour of my life....... I know this probably won't work, but....before I phone IT Expert #3......... I'm just going to unplug everything..... count to twenty.......... and........ plug it all back in........just to check if.......shit.

Why Alligators Won't eat Ex-wives

I thought I would share more of our experience with swamp tour guide extraordinaire, Laurence Joseph, (Guess what his pa's name is?) self proclaimed coon-ass.

First his joke.
Opelousas comes up to Thibideaux and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"
Thibideaux replies, "Give me the good new first."
Opelousas says, "The good news is that you have twenty four hours to live."
Thibideaux cries out, "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"
Opelousas responds, "I forgot to tell you yesterday."

Laurence's explanation of Lousiana's gun laws.

Why alligators won't eat Laurence's ex-wife.

We tipped him $20.
If you ever head south, here is their site:
http://munsonswamptours.com/

Shelley and John