How To Stay Happily Married Tip # 3 Stay Calm While Paddling Together

We've kayaked the Colorado and the Guadalupe Rivers. But those experiences don't come close to our recent outing on the San Marcos in Texas.

Four weeks ago, substantial flooding caused large trees to fall and partially block sections of the San Marcos river. Luckily, for the  first few miles, we successfully managed to maneuver around them, but it was only a matter of time when...

Shelley and John:..... Paddle! Paddle!
John: Oh! S#@t!! The current's spinning us backwards.
Shelley and John: OH NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Shelley: HANG ON! I THINK WE'LL BE OK! JUST GO OVER IT BACKWARDS!! AHHHHH!!! WE'RE TURNING SIDEWAYS!!!
John: OH MY GOD!!!! MY KAYAK'S STUCK UNDER YOURS!! IT'S FILLING WITH WATER!! I'M GOING TO FLIP! I'M GOING TO...  AAHHHH!!! (DISAPPEARS.... THEN EXPLODES OUT OF THE WATER)
Shelley: JOHN!!! ARE YOU OK?!?
John: (Now standing, waist deep, jammed against a log)Yes!! I'm OK. Are you OK? ACHH!!! THE SKIRT'S GONE. SORRY SHENLEY! S@#T!!! THE KAYAK'S HALFWAY UNDER THIS FALLEN TREE... IT'S STUCK... Euhhhh.... I can feel stuff floating by my legs. Hang on, I'm going to put my water shoes on and push the kayak all the way under the log. I'm OK. Go ahead. I'll meet you on the river bank...

The Offending Tree

Shelley: Wow! That was pretty scary. John, I  really admire  how you calm you were. Really, I'm so impressed how you held it together.
John: Ah thanks Shelley. Never forget that John Smith did not flinch when he looked death in the eye.
Shelley: (Whispering) Speaking of death. Look... in the trees, shrubs and river banks. Oh my God. They're everywhere.

John: There's hundreds of them.
Shelley: Look how they're staring at us with their beady, black eyes. It's like we are in Alfred  Hitchcock's "The Birds," except those are not gulls. They're vultures, the biggest, ugliest, grossest birds ever. Remember in the movie, how hundreds and hundreds of birds perched everywhere, resting, before their next attack? It's just like that. Isn't it?

John: Jesus Christ, Shelley! My life just flashed before my eyes and now you are trying to freak me out.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! I'm joking. Vultures only eat dead things. Maybe they're just waiting to scavenge what gets caught under submerged tree trunks.

John: Not funny. Too soon. That's it. I'm getting out and walking.
Shelley: What? No! Are you crazy? Why?
John: They're too close. I don't like the way they're staring at me. Come on.
Shelley: No. That is not going to happen. You can. But, a better idea would be to ignore them and take a picture.
John: Are "you" crazy?
Shelley: Come on, John. Just take a picture. Otherwise no one will believe us.

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John: Fine. I'll take a picture. But, you need to know that I am not comfortable doing this. (Takes a few pictures, puts the camera away)
Shelley: Thanks. OK, let's paddle as quietly as....
John: HEY! WOOAAHHH! SCRAMMMM!!!!!!!!! YAIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Shelley: WHAT THE??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING????
John: I told you I didn't like how they are staring at me, watching my every move. So, I'm trying to scare them.
Shelley: (Back to whispering) Mission accomplished. Jesus. Now they're scared AND circling us. They're so close, I can hear their wings flapping. That's it. I'm out of here. (Starts to paddle)
John: (Whispering) OK. OK. Stop. Wait. I won't yell again. How about this? Let's just float, without paddling, past them. We'll be so quiet and still, they'll forget we are here.
Shelley: (Still whispering) Or they'll think we're dead, and start swooping down to tear chunks of flesh off of us.

Shelley and John:........ Paddle! Paddle!

Shelley and John