I Know that Christmas is for Giving...but

Last week, after finishing our third day of volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, John and I stopped by the grocery store. While checking our goods through, the cashier asked, "Would you be interested in donating to the local food bank?"

We politely declined , "Sorry. Next time."

Although she said, "No problem." Her withering gaze said something else,

"What a couple of stingy A@@ H$%^#s!."

John and I blushed with shame. I rushed to explain, "Actually, these ten items are our donation to a food bank in Ladysmith... For the Cinnamon Fun Run... On Sunday."

Her eyes did not soften. They turned into ice.

I whispered to John, "Let's give her one of the cans."

John whispered back, "Then we'll have to line up again and it's rush hour in here. We're good."

We hastened to pack our groceries, but a perky young girl, who was raising money for her dance team, beat us to it. Making sure Miss Cashier witnessed our generosity, we dropped 2 bucks into the jar. The guy behind us threw in five bucks.

"S#$%!!! "

"Oh my God John. I am so uncomfortable right now. I am having the mother of all mothers of a hot flash. My entire body is dripping in sweat. Let's go back and add three more dollars.

"Shelley, leave it. Next time we come back, we'll give her five."

We slinked towards the exit, but as luck would have it, four Salvation Army Officers were guarding the doors.

John added a Toonie to their collection. They smiled their thanks, but now being super duper paranoid, I swear I could hear their thoughts.

"A Toonie? You are not getting into Heaven with a Toonie, buster. A snowball in Hell would have a better chance than you."

Even though we've continued to donate money to various causes since then, and throughout the year, we can't shake the guilty feeling that we don't give enough or often enough. 

Until tonight.

Tonight, we went to the "FOOD. SHELTER. MUSIC." night at the Waverly Hotel in Cumberland, Vancouver Island. According to "What's on" the entrance fee for the annual money raiser was food donations. However, as we were waiting to donate our cans of food, the woman working the door remarked to the couple ahead of us, " We will gladly accept food, a money donation or both." The husband gave her his food, quickly dug into his wallet and passed over five dollars.

Rookie mistake.

The Smiths handed over a twenty.

Shelley and John

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Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is... Oh Damn it, I Forgot

God knows, I've tried everything to improve my short term memory. But nothing has worked. Time to write Santa.

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is... Oh Damn it, I forgot. Ever since cruel, heartless menopause set in, my short term memory has become almost nonexistent. In fact, Santa, after reading these examples of my memory loss, you will be so shocked, you'll immediately stuff "one short term memory" into that humongous red toy sack of yours.

My first example takes place when John and I were riding the chairlift....

Shelley: John?

John: Yes?

Shelley: I was thinking, for Christmas.... for Christmas.... What the Hell was I going to say?

John: You were thinking, for Christmas...

Shelley: Right. For Christmas, do you think we should give Andrew and Ash...

John: We should give Andrew and Ash...  what?

Shelley: Nope. I've got nothing.

Santa, it's even worse if I get stressed. For instance, last Saturday John and I went to a Habitat for Humanity Christmas party. ( Which I invited ourselves to, but that's another story) and at one point when I was introducing John and myself to a group of people...

Shelley: Hi. I'm Shelley and this is... this is... Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! You two go ahead and introduce yourselves.

John: Hi. I'm Shelley's husband, John.

Pretty bad, huh? And what about when John and I went snowshoeing?

Shelley: Let's play a game. I say a word. You have to repeat it and then add a word to the list. Cow.

John: Cow. House.

Shelley: Cow. House. Winter.

John: Cow. House. Winter. Snow.

Shelley: Cow. House. Winter. Flower.

John: No. Flower's wrong.

Shelley: Are you sure?

John: Of course I am.

Shelley: Fine. Fire?

John: No.

Shelley: Computer?

John: No.

Shelley: Boat?

John: No.

Shelley: Sky?

John: No.

Shelley: Book? Pen? Pencil? Picture? Killer??!!!!

John: No. No. No. No. And No.

Shelley: Holy Christ. Just tell me. What was it?

John: No.

Shelley: Don't be silly. Just tell me.

John: No.

Shelley: Why won't you tell me?

John: If I tell you, that means I win.

Shelley: Fine. You win. What was the word?

John:...

Shelley: Wait a sec. You can't remember either, can you?

John: No.

On second thought Santa, better make that two short term memories.

Merry Christmas Santa,

Shelley and John

Did Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Have Frostbite?

John and I recently went snowboarding on Mt. Washington. Mt. Washington, Vancouver Island. The sun was out, but it was cold. So cold, that by the time we reached the top of the mountain, we had covered our faces. I learned the importance of protecting exposed skin from extremely low temperatures at the ripe old age of eight. At that time, we lived in Bentley, Alberta. Despite Bentley's bitterly cold winters, we kids still spent hours outside playing. The day I learned my lesson, was no exception. After skating on a frozen pond for the entire afternoon, I remember heading back to my house, shedding my snow gear and running into the bathroom.

Me: OH! NOOOOOO!!!!!! MY NOSE!!! MY NOSE!!!!! AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Mom: What? What? What's wrong?

Me: It's my nose! Look!

Mom: Jesus Christ Shelley. You scared the Hell out of me. Unless you're dying, don't you ever make that kind of noise again.

Me: I. Am. Dying.

Mom: Oh for God's sake. In a few minutes it will soften and the colour will change from waxy white to red. You've been through this before.

Me: Wahhhhh!!!!!!!  It's turning hard and black.

Mom: Let me see. Ahhh... You're right.

Me: What am I going to do?

Mom: There's not much you can do. You'll have to let it run it's course.

Me: But it's so ugly.

Mom: You can barely notice it.

Me: I CAN!!!!!!!!  

Mom: Shelley. Stop making a fuss. It will be better in a couple of days.

Me: But tomorrow's Monday. Which means school. I'm not going.

Mom: Of course you are. You can't miss school because of a frozen nose.

Me: But as soon as the kids see me, they'll make fun of me. They'll call me Rudolph.

My sister, Shannon: Rudolph!

Me: Shut up!!!!! See????

Shannon:... the red nosed reindeer...

Mom: Shannon! Stop it. Shelley! Rudolph did not have frostbite.

Shelley: I don't care. I'm not going.

Mom: You are going to school. I'll call the teacher and ask her to tell the kids not to say anything.

Me: A lot of good that will do. She won't be around for recess. I'm still not going.

Mom: Oh yes you are.

Me: Oh no I'm not.

Mom: Now listen here... What the Hell? Stephen, Shenley, what's in your hands?

Stephen: Coins. We dug them up in the basement.

Shenley: With our diggers.

Me: You can't make me.

Mom: I sure as Hell can. Boys, you need to pass mommy those coins. They are special collector's coins. Daddy and I buried them to keep them safe.

Stephen: But we found them. That means they're ours. Right, Shenley?

Shenley: Yep.

Me: If you loved me, you wouldn't make me go.

Shannon: I'm not going to school if Shelley doesn't have to.

Mom: God damn it!  Both of you are going to school. And you two boys are going to give me back those coins. That's the end of it.

Shannon, Shelley, Shenley, Stephen

But it wasn't.

The battle raged on for hours, days, weeks. I'm kidding. But, you get the picture. Eventually, I agreed to go to school. Only because I thought of a way to slip into my classroom without drawing attention to my nose.

Based on stories from my childhood.

Shelley and John