Surprise! It's a verizon jetpack!

                                       

Dealing with Hurricane Sandy is nothing compared to trying to set up verizon's jetpack, a process we started, oh, about 9 months ago. As many of you know from reading, Why
Americans Aren't Spending or Why I Miss South East Asia:

http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-americans-arent-spending-or-why-we.html .... the most, without a doubt, frustrating thing about traveling, was not being able to communicate via phone, Skype or internet successfully. I am pleased to announce that the frustrations have finally ended.

Verizon Store #1 -  Thursday, October 25, 2012, 2:00 PM.

Shelley: So, unless we can get an American Credit Card with an American billing address, it won't work.

Salesman: I'm so sorry.

Shelley: But we tried to get an American Credit Card last year, but they were rejected because we don't have a credit rating.

Salesman: I'm so sorry.

John: And the reason we don't have a credit rating is because we have always bought our vehicles second hand. We don't carry a mortgage, because we chose to not to buy a huge mansion and we’ve always fully paid our credit card bill every month.

Clerk: I'm so sorry.

John: Basically, we need to go in debt to get this.
Clerk: I'm so sorry.
John: I'm so sorry too. I'm going to the car.

Verizon Store #2 - October 26, 2012, 2:00 PM.

Michael the Salesman: Congratulations! You are now the proud owners of the verizon jetpack. This little baby gives you 5KB’s per month on a 4G network. If you have any questions, please call or e-mail me. I will respond immediately. 

John: Thank God. After nine months, it's done. Now we can start celebrating your parents’ 50th Anniversary.

Shelley: Thanks mom and dad for setting up the account in your name.

October 26, 2012, 6:00 PM.

John: What is wrong with this? Why isn't this working? It worked three hours ago. I am getting so frustrated. Shelley. I can't get online unless I enter the code every time.

Shelley:...

John: Never mind. It's working. No. I was just kicked off. Shelley.

Shelley:...

John: Jesus Christ Shelley!! Are you listening to me?

Shelley: I am. But what do you want me to say?

John: I want you to say, "What can I do to help?"

Shelley: But I don't know anything about the jetpack.

John:...

Shelley: What can I do to help?

John: If I knew I would have done it myself. Jesus!

Shelley: Let's try plugging it in.

John: I already did that.

Shelley: What if we try a different socket?

John: No, that didn't work.

Shelley: What about we...

John: God F@#$ING D@#$ it!!! I knew it was too good to be true. This F@#$ing piece of S#$T!! worked for less than half a day. I am going to call Michael, The Salesman... Apparently not on Skype because this stupid jetpack is not working. I will use my phone... WHAT IS THIS S@#T??

"Thank you for calling. I'm sorry I can’t accept your message at this time, my message box is full."

Shelley: Maybe you could call the other names on the contract?

John:... They aren't picking up. @#$^!!!... It never ends. I am so sick of this... I just want it to be over.

Shelley: I know. I know. But just imagine when we do get it working. All this will be worth it. Like giving birth. You'll soon forget about the pain and distress when you look at your fully functioning perfect jetpack.

John: I just wanted to talk to the boys and my family.

Shelley: There. There... Hey! I know what will make you feel better.

John: Really?

Shelley: Not that, silly. We'll just call the store and bring everything back so they can take a look at it.

Shelley and John

Math Smath Even I Could Teach it

The Present at Habitat For Humanity October 18/2012...

Peter, the Project Manager: Any problems with the measurements?
Shelley: Not at all. I was just finishing this measurement.... and this one is...  36 inches and 6/10ths.

Peter: 6/10ths? Well if you look here, you'll see that with inches, there are only 8ths, or 16ths or 32s.
Shelley: (Really?) Whoops! Oh Ha! Ha! Ha! Of course it does. I was thinking in metric. Would you believe that I used to teach math?

Peter: I bet you were AWESOME.


Math Flashback #1...
Shelley: So, Grade 7's, what we have, so far, when we divide 3 by 7 is:

0.428571428571428571428571428571428571428571428571428571428571428571428571428571

(OMG! This division problem has gone the entire width of the blackboard and there is no end in sight. @#$^!!!! I don't think I wrote down the same number I memorized last night when I was preparing... . How do I get out of this?) 
Joe?
Grade 7 class: He's out today Mrs. Smith
 Shelley: (@#$%!!! Out sick today. Hmmm... Going to have to go with Amy, the second best math student in the class.) Amy, what do you think we should do here?
Amy: You should draw a repeating notation, or a line if you will,  above the repeating sequence.
Shelley:(A what?) Very good Amy. That is correct.

And Math Flashback #2... 
The Grade 5 teacher I am going to take over for in one day: Shelley, could you please call over one student at a time and help them review for tomorrow's math quiz?
Shelley: (WHAT?? A MATH QUIZ??? ) Of course. Hey Freddy. Ready for your math quiz tomorrow?
Freddy: Not really. I can't remember the difference between a scalene and an isosceles triangle? Can you help me?
Shelley: (Huh??!!) Not a problem. Why don't we open the book to the geometry section? There we go.... Just one momento....  Hmmm... Aha GOT IT... Freddy, I want you to look closely at the scalene triangle. Describe this triangle to me.

Freddy:... One of the sides is always longer than the other two?
Shelley: Exactly. How many "S's" are there in the word "scalene?"
Freddy: One.
Shelley: So the one "S" in the word "Scalene" means that one side is longer than the others. Does that help you remember?
Freddy: It does! Thanks. But what about the isosceles triangle?
Shelley: Look at the isosceles triangle. Describe it to me.

Freddy: Two sides are equal in length.
Shelley: Correct. And since isosceles has two S's in it's...
Freddy: It's easy to remember. Thanks so much Mrs. Smith. You're an awesome math teacher.
Shelley: Why thank you. Sally? Now what can I do for you?..............  And Sally, since isosceles has two S's in it, it's easy to remember. Got it?
Sally:.... But... Mrs. Smith, doesn't isosceles have three S's in it?
Mrs. Smith: (@#$%!!!!) Not if you cover up the last S with your thumb. Next!

The Present at Habitat For Humanity October 18/2012...
Shelley:... Of course I was awesome Peter...  Here you go John, measured and cut perfectly, 36 and 6/10ths.

Shelley and John

"Fifty Shades of Grey" online Quiz - Time to Separate the Pretenders From the Contenders

The Romance Shop in Courtenay BC, Blogs, Newspapers, Magazines, TV and radio chat shows 

 etc. etc. have covered the viral novel"Fifty Shades of Grey."  Everyone else has voiced an opinion. Everyone!  (Even me!) And there's the rub. I am thinking that many of those "Opinionistas" have entered these discussions without actually having read the book.  So, I have put together this short but effective online quiz to separate the pretenders from the contenders.  Let me know how you did!

 BTW  John, my patient, loving husband, scored one hundred percent! 

Multiple Choice: Circle the best answer.

1)  Poor, innocent, submissive Ana my butt. She had a choice. She coulda, woulda, shoulda had sex with

a)  Jose Rodriquez, (Creepy guy who left her puking outside with a stranger)

b)  Paul Clayton ( Creepy son of the boss who keeps stalking her in the store)

c)  Taylor (See question 5)

d) All of the above.

2) "The Red Room of Pain" or the "Play Room" would not be shown on HGTV's show "Million Dollar Rooms" because

a) only reds and blacks are used from the colour wheel. At least three dominant colours are required.

b) there are no diverse textures used such as woven materials or natural stone.

c) there is no natural light.

d) All of the above.

3) Ana's Sub Dom experiences include

a) hands bound with Christian's grey tie, 18 spanks, hands and ankles being shackled, various uses of the riding crop, 
b) hands tied with a cable,  being flogged,
c) being struck with a belt six times.
d) All of the above. WTF?? Yeeoouuuchhhhh!!!

4)  The following statement is true.

a) Ana is a Ho.

b) Christian's biological mom is a Crack Ho.

c) Ana's mom is a Ho.

d) All of the above.

5) Taylor should not be trusted because he is obviously

a) a ghost who always appears out of thin air.
b) a peeping Tom.
c) a creepy freakin' pervert who hardly talks. Never trust the strong silent types!
d) All of the above.

6)  The word "Profligate" is used once in Fifty Shades of Grey, as opposed to "crap" and "holy crap" which, were used, oh, at least fifty times. Profligate means

a) recklessly extravagant
b) widely wasteful
c) crap or holy crap
d) All of the above.

7) Christian's Dominant of six years was

a) The original Mrs. Robinson.

b) Taylor.

c) Mrs. Jones, Christian's house keeper.

d) All of the above.

8) Ana, not Christian is clearly the one who is Fifty Shades of Grey f#$%ed up because 

a) as a "poor" university student she wastefully dunks her tea bag only once in the water before removing it. Also, to my knowledge, she never reuses it!

b) vomits, then vomits again and again margaritas and beer on someone's beautifully tended flowers. 

c) she regularly has silent conversations with the two voices in her head, (her sub conscious and her inner Goddess).

d) All of the above.

9) Come on, unlike the despicable Mr. Darcy, Christian is not the bad guy because

a) he played a sad song, on the piano, in his pj bottoms, in total darkness, in his penthouse, after sex.

b) he DID NOT have sex with Ana when she passed out. Instead he brought her back to his Hotel, not her apartment, undressed her and despite great mental discomfort and duress, he only slept beside her.

c) he never let her pay. Ever!

d) All of the above.

10) Which of the following crazy expensive stuff should Ana NOT give back?
a) Christian's underwear and jacket.
b) The very old, expensive first edition books, the MacBook Pro and the Blackberry.

c) Who cares, as long as it's not the red hatchback two door Audi. 

d) All of the above.

Part C:  Essay  - Value: 1 point per word.

Write a 500 word Persuasive essay using the following statement.

"Christian should have given Ana a helicopter"

Answer key:
Multiple Choice Answers are all d)

Let me know how you did, and as always don't forget to comment, become a follower, and share!

Want to read more blogs on "Fifty Shades of Grey?" Check out Ash, my daughter-in-laws blog"On the subject of... 50 Shades of Grey"

http://ashlyandmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/10/04/on-the-subject-of-50-shades-of-grey/

and another one of my favourite bloggers Linda Seccaspina's, blog "Twilight's Anna Kendrick to Star in 50 Shades of Grey"

http://www.zoomers.ca/profiles/blogs/anna-kendrick-to-star-in-50-shades-of-grey

Shelley and John

Thanksgiving 2012 What I am Truly Thankful For

My Husband John: Yessss! All done.

Shelley: Johhhhnnnn, I was thinking.

John: That's a first.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! You know how it's almost impossible to walk around Matt's bed, right?

John: No. I do not.
Shelley: Don't be silly. Of course you do. Well, I think we should move the scroll table out of Matt's bedroom into ours and replace it with the side table from the living room.

John: No. We are not moving furniture with less than twenty minutes to go before the kids get here. No. No. And no.

Shelley: It will only take a few minutes. 

John: You said that we were just going to clean.

John: Which I did. I'm done. 

Shelley: Oh come on.
John: I like the scroll table exactly where it is.
Shelley: I don't.
John:...
Shelley: I've been talking about moving it for a while. You know that's true.
John:...
Shelley: What is wrong with you?
John: First of all, you insisted that we sort out the house on the very day we were expecting company, even though we had all week to clean it.
Shelley: I didn't see the point of cleaning the house twice.
John: And every time I had a suggestion, I was never right.
Shelley: That's not true. What a load of rubbish.
John: Really? When I suggested that there was no need to pull the furniture out from the wall and then clean because I did it last week, you refused to believe me.
Shelley: But you weren't telling the truth.
John: That's not the point, I didn't think it was necessary.
Shelley: It was.
John: What was I thinking???  How about when I suggested that I move the furniture and you vacuum behind me?
Shelley: That was a good idea. But my suggestion for you to move the furniture and you to vacuum as I mopped behind you was a much better idea.

John: Of course it was.

Shelley: Anyway, I don't know why you are so grumpy. I'm the one who should be grumpy. When I backed my bum into the counter top and fell to the floor horribly bruised, writhing in pain, you kept on cleaning.
John: That's because I didn't hear you, as I was vacuuming, as instructed by you, which, by the way, you pointed out I was doing incorrectly!!!!

Shelley: You vacuumed the coffee table!
John: Everyone does that! @#$%!!!!
Shelley: With the power head attached? 
John: Many wives would be thankful if their husbands helped them with the cleaning!!! BUT NOT YOU! 
Shelley:...
John:...
Shelley: I am thankful. I really am. But, Shannon (my sister) has a bad back. We really should move the table. Please.

John:...  Where do you want it?

Shelley: Thank you. How about against that wall?

... Ummm. No. That does not work for me... Right here... Uhhh no... That's not right... Maybe over there?... Better... But...

Can you move it a little to the left?... 

No... a little to the right... Hmmm....

John: Jesus Christ Shelley!!!  Can you please make up your mind???
Shelley: Sorry. Sorry. I'm just trying to... hmmm... No....  You know what? You're right. It doesn't work in our bedroom. Not at all. Let's just put it back in Matt's. Shannon can sleep on the other side. See, I do take your suggestions.

Shelley and John