Summer 2012, August 23rd Officially ended at 12:30 PM Pacific Standard Time

Summer  2012, August 22nd 6:30 PM....

My 25 year old son, Andrew: Matt, what was your favourite part of the summer?

My 27 year old son, Matt: Hmmmm. Definitely spending time with mom and dad,

                      

the relatives, Ash,

Daughter-in-law Ash, Andrew, Matt and friend Beth

my friends... That’s about it. Did I forget anyone? No. That's it.

Andrew: What a D!@#!

Matt: Just playing with you. Of course, you, Little B, I'm going to miss you. What about you?

Andrew: Beating you in Frolf.

Matt: What a D@#$!

Andrew: You know Matt, seeing as you are going to Kuwait, don’t you think that you should write a will?

Matt: Grandpa said there's no point. I don’t have enough money.

Andrew: You must have a little. Who will you leave it to?

Matt: For the record, I’m going to leave it all to Jon Wolsley.

Andrew: What a D@#$!

Matt: Andrew. I'm kidding. I’m going to leave it all the money to you. But, only if you use all of it towards Crime Avenger training. 

Andrew: Really?

Matt: Yes. Every last penny must be used to reach the highest possible level a Crime Avenger can reach. Once you reach Superior Avenger status, you must avenge my death.

Andrew: What if I give some to my kids?

Matt: You don't have any kids.

Andrew: But, what if I did? 

Matt: You don 't have any.

Andrew: But,I might.

Matt: Jesus. Fine. As long as they use the money to become Crime Avengers and assist you in avenging my death.

John: Can we please talk about something else? Matt is not going to die in Kuwait. Right Shelley?

Shelley: Muwahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Andrew: Dad. Relax. Mom and I go through the account numbers and passwords every time you go away.

Shelley: Muwahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Andrew, Matt, John: Please stop crying! There's almost 20 hours left.

Summer  2012, August 23rd. 11:30 A.M....

Andrew: How are we going to do this? Drop off Matt and then head out right away?

Shelley: Nooooo...Muwahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Matt: Mom. Don’t do that. I’ll see you in 5 months. 
Shelley: Nooooo...Muwahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Andrew: Yeah, Ma. Don't cry. You'll still have your favourite son here and I’m not leaving for at least another 4 hours. And even then, I'm only 2 hours away.

Matt: What a D@#$!

John: Enough! We are going into the Airport. We are going to help Matt check in, and we are going to sit down at the Cafe to wait for his boarding call. 

Summer  2012, August 23rd. 12:00 PM....

John: Passport?

Matt: Check.

John: Money?

Matt: Check.

John: Boarding pass?

Matt: Check. Dad, I've travelled on my own before.

John: I know. I know. It's just that being around planes makes me nervous. Let me see what seat you have.

Matt: I hope it’s by the window.

John: Of course it is. The plane is so small, there's only one seat on each side. It's a propeller plane.

Matt: WHAT?????? 

Andrew: So, one more time. If you die, I am meant to use all the money to avenge your death?

Matt: Exactly. 

Andrew: OK. What are your account numbers?

John: Can we please talk about something else?

Shelley: Not to worry. I have them. Ohhhhh! What am I saying? Muwahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

John: Jesus Christ Shelley. All of you. Enough!

Summer  2012, August 23rd. 12:15 PM....

Matt: Bye dad. Thanks for a great summer. 

John: Bye. Have fun. Call us when you get to Vancouver. 

Matt: Dad, that’s in 40 minutes time. What in the world would we talk about?

Andrew: Bye bro. Don't worry, I'll avenge your death... (Whispers as he hugs Matt) as Batman.

Matt: (Whispers as he hugs Andrew) But!!!!  ....You D@#$!!!

Shelley: (Hugs Matt) Muwahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! 

Matt: (Hugs Shelley) Mom. Stop crying.

Shelley: I'm not. Ohhhhh Muwahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
John: Enough. Go through security for the love of God. 

John, Shelley, Andrew, Matt: Love you!!!!

Matt: Summer 2012 is officially over! 

Shelley and John
PS: I guessed at the whispering. Was I close boys??
PSS: And as before, if you are enjoying the blogs, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr. Become a "Follower." What the heck, read some of my older blogs. My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Summer 2012 Road Trip on Vancouver Island With the Smiths

Before Matt flew to Kuwait, to start his new teaching job, the four Smiths took a road trip to Sayward, Vancouver Island...
Husband John: Let the adventure continue. Fist pump!  Shelley, the best bit is we have both Matt and Andrew with us. Boys, I've been thinking. On this trip I want you to drive the truck while it's towing the fifth wheel. Time to man up.
27 year old Matt: No.
25 year old Andrew: No.
Shelley: No.
John: Why not?
Shelley: Besides the fact that the roads don't have shoulders and they've never driven the truck towing the fifth wheel?
John: You never support me.
Matt: Andrew, one less needle in your arm is more money for your wedding.
Andrew: Good to know.

John: Shelley, see that sign. Hay.

Shelley: Hay.

Matt: Boy, going through Saskatchewan must be a Hell of a good time for you two.

John: Did I tell you about our last trip to Sayward? We caught 8 fish.

Matt: Yes. Dad, and that is why we can't talk every day on the phone. You repeat your stories.
John: You hung up on me the last time I called you and Andrew.
Matt: Oh my God. You had already called us three times that day.
John: But, I had something to tell you.
Matt: What?
John:... Well now that you ask. I can't remember.
Matt: Mom, can you turn off the air con? My gonads are tiny.
Andrew: Pretty sure it's not the air con.

Matt: Ha! Ha!... Hey, stop bugging me.
Andrew: Let's do "rock paper scissors" to see if I leave you alone.
Matt: Andrew! Don't touch me! I mean it.
Andrew: I wasn't. This is touching. Googly. Googly. Matt, why won't you talk to me? We're on a road trip. Last before you go.
Matt: For @#$%s sake! We just spent four days together. There's nothing to talk about.
Andrew: What about...
Matt: Arghhh. Ash would never put up with this @#$%!
Andrew: I'm just going to put the garbage pail on your side.
Matt: No. It's fine where it is.
Andrew: I don't want it on my side. How about in the middle?
Matt: I don't want it in the middle. I want it exactly where it was.
Andrew: What's wrong with you? Why are you so grumpy?
Matt: I just want to read my comics. For the love of God. Mom!!
Shelley: Baby carrots anyone?

Matt: Andrew, can you chew louder?
Andrew: Sniff. Sniff. Gak. Gak. Look at this carrot. It's going to be sooo loud.

Matt: Why did I agree to this trip?
Shelley: I have an idea. Let's see whose carrot lasts the longest.
John: That's what she said.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
John: Look! There's a field full of bison.

Matt and Andrew: Dad!!! You need to drive and let us look.
John: But, I've never seen bison there before.
Andrew: Do you know how to tell the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
John and Shelley: You can't wash your hands in a bison.
Andrew, Shelley, John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt: Holy @#$%! How much longer?
John: Time to listen to my podcast. I need to set the station at 105.1. Just give me a sec. and...
Matt and Andrew: Mom! You do it, so dad doesn't kill us.
Shelley: Do you promise to stop bickering?
Matt and Andrew: Yes, Mother Dearest.
Shelley: And, then go to sleep?

Matt and Andrew: Yes, Mother Dearest.

Shelley: I know what that means.
Matt, Andrew and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
                        Night times...

Matt: Andrew, for the love of God. Play.
Andrew: I don't appreicate your tone, Matt.
Matt: That's it. I quit.
John, Shelley, Andrew: You can't quit. This is a fishing holiday.
Matt: Trust me the fish are on a $#%^ing holiday.

Bedtimes...
Matt: Andrew, I want to sleep on this bed.

Andrew: Get off it Matt. That's my bed.
Matt: We need to take turns. It's called sharing.
Andrew: No. We never agreed.  Besides, I really, really love this bed.
Matt: Andrew, you're such an Asshole. You're just doing that because I want this one. We're switching.

Andrew: Not a chance. I slept on that bed for 3 nights. It's your turn.
Matt: That's such BS. You slept on it for one night.
Andrew: Not if you count last summer.
Matt: Fine. I'm, going to bed to read my comics.
Andrew:...  Matt.
Matt:...
Andrew: Matt.
Matt: Andrew! Go to sleep.
Andrew: OK. We can switch. If you really, really...
John: Shelley, the best bit is we have both Matt and Andrew with us. 

Shelley and John

PS: And as before, if you are enjoying the blogs, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr. Become a "Follower." What the heck, read some of my older blogs. My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Face your Fears - Ride a Roller Coaster

Matt and Andrew

Friend Willie, my son, Andrew, my other son Matt, and daughter-in-law, Ash

Looking at their pictures reminded me of 

 typical Smith outings at

every Amusement Park we have ever visited.

John: But, you all know I hate roller coasters. And Space Mountain's entire ride is in the dark. No. Please. I'll go on the Run Away Train or The Cups and Saucers. Come on. I went on the Log Ride. Isn't that good enough?

Matt: No, you made a deal. If we went on It's a Small World three freakin' times in a row, you would go on Space Mountain. We completed our end of the deal and now it's your turn. It's just a ride for God's sake. Nothing will happen. You're not going to die.
John: Oh right. That's what they said to that poor dead woman in Kuala Lumpur just before she got on that Roller Coaster.
Shelley: That was Malaysia. This is the US.
John:  Look. I'll do anything. ANYTHING if you don't make me get on that ride. Please.... Please.
Andrew: Dad, you can do this. You always told us to face our enemies. Don't you think it's time to face your enemy? Fear.
John: No!!!!
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: You can't back out on a deal.
John: OK. OK. But this this is the last scary ride I go on today. Promise?
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: Promise.
Attendant: I'm just going to pull this down over your head. And... lock it in. Good. Good. Last time it didn't click. Boy, was I ever worried.
John: Whaaatttt?? Get me off of this.
Shelley: He's kidding.
John: I'm just going to pull on it. To check it. Oh Nooooo!!!! Mine is loose. Shelley, look how it moves. Excuse me. Excuse me!  I don't think mine has locked properly. Hey! Do not start this thing up. HEY!!!!!!
Andrew: It's OK. Relax.

John:  Relax. You're telling me to... Huh? What's going on? Why are we going up so slowly? Jesus Christ Shelley. I don't want to do this. I really don't. I hate roller coasters. I really, really do.
Shelley: You'll be fine.
John: What was that? Was that screaming?
Matt: From another ride, dad.
John: I can't see. I can't see anything. It's so dark.
Andrew: Dad. They're just doing that to scare you. Calm down.
John: Holy S@#$!!! It's started. I can't breathe.  I CAN"T BREATHE!!!!!!!
Shelley: Of course you can. Hold your restraint. Just hold on tight and...
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: Whhhhooooohooooo!!!!!!!
John: Ahhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Oh My God. Holy Mother of God.....Oh no. Oh no. OH Nooooooooo!!!!  Get me off of this!!! Who was the sadist who dreamed this ride uppppp??????? Faaaackkkkkkkkkk!!! I'm going to die. I'M GOING TO DIEEEEE!!!!!!!! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO THIS??? OK. OK. I think we are almost done. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS. Smiths don't quit! Smiths don't... Oh Oh Oh AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! JEEEESUUSSSSSSS CHRISSTTTTT SHELLEEEEEEEY!!!!!!! I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!! OH GOD. Oh God. Oh dear God. Thank you God. It's over. I'm alive. I'm done. No more scary rides. Smile, Matt.

Attendant: Welcome back. As you exit the building, please take a look at your picture on the TV monitor. For only 10 dollars, you can have a memory that will last a life time
Matt, Andrew, Shelley: Oh no. Not again. This time you had your eyes closed. We're going to have to go again.

Shelley and John
PS: And as before, if you are enjoying the blogs, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr. Become a "Follower." What the heck, read some of my older blogs. My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Should Ipods be Banned From Grandparents?

My son, Matt: And, what's your Gmail password?
Mom: Granny.
Matt: No. That's your hotmail password. Your Gmail.
Mom: But, someone sent me a message saying I needed to change my Gmail password. So, I did. But, I can't remember what it is. Hell, I can't remember my old one. I just turn on my computer and voila, there everything is. 
Matt: Wait! You never log out when you're done? 
Mom: Never. There's this little box that you tick to stay logged on.

                          

Matt: Yes. Yes. I know all about the little box. But, that is so unsafe. If someone gets hold of your computer, they can access everything.
Dad: "I" always log out.

Matt: That's good Grandpa. Mom? Dad? 

Shelley and John: Yessss?

Matt: Oh my God! Everyone. For your own protection, never, ever stay logged on.

Mom: I think I remember my password now. Grandmadearest.

Matt:.... No. That didn't work.

Mom: What about Grandmais#1?

Matt:... Nope. Also didn't work. Did you just make that up?

Mom: Nooo?

Matt: .......... OK. Fine. Here's what we are going to do. You're going to give me four numbers. Those numbers will be your password. Then, I'm going to sync all of your accounts together. 

Mom: 54306
Matt: No. That's 5. I said 4.
Mom: 44445. There are four 4's in that one.
Matt: You are killing me. How about 3102? Can you remember that?

Mom: If I do this, I can. 

                                 

Matt: Noooooo. You didn't just write it on the back of your hand. The whole purpose of this Ipod is to go without pen and paper.

Mom: I didn't use any paper.

Matt: Oh Jesus.... OK. OK.  I am going to save the password on the computer. Every 5 minutes there will be a reminder. OK?

John: They'll never use this.

Matt: They f#$%ing better.

Mom: Can you set up Skype so we can phone you for help?

Matt: Yes.... Let's move on. Music.

Dad: I'll just play yours. 

Matt: I wiped it clean. I didn't think you would listen to my stuff. 

Dad: What about Tom Jones? 
Matt: Is he a real singer?
Dad: Of course he is. (Singing) It's not unusual to be loved by anyone.... And, Ceen Dion.

Matt: Who?
Dad: Ceen Dion.

Matt: Also, not an actual person. 

Dad: She's Canadian.

Matt:... Celine Dion?

Dad: Yes. Celine Dion.
Matt: How about I open an Itunes account for you? That way you can buy anything you want.
Mom and Dad: We have to pay???

Matt: OK.... OK.  Other apps. Data. Do you want it to set new data?

Mom: Yes. Absolutely.

Matt: Do you know what that means?

Mom: No. But it sounds good.

Matt: It will tell you when you have new mail, calendar alerts, new posts on Facebook, and reminders. Like your password every 5 minutes. 

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Matt: Sooo... double spaced... automatic... period.

Mom: I don't have one.

Dad: You haven't had one for 25 years.

Everyone but Matt: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt: Oh my God! Putting a space robot on Mars was easier than this. Photos: You have 2 cameras. You can flip it around so you can take a picture of yourself.

You can delete, e-mail or send as a message or print it. 

Mom: I want to go to Costco and look for a mattress.

Matt: I don't understand that.
Dad: Tell me again Matt, why do we have to spend 5 bucks?

Matt: To have one password that works for everything including unlocking the Ipod.

Mom: What is this icon? What does it do? I can't even see this thing?

Matt: Oh F$#%!!!!!!!
Mom: OK. Information overload. Let's play a game... Matt! What's wrong?

Matt: I just realized what my teaching job is going to be like for the next two years.

Shelley and John
PS: Enjoying the blogs? If so, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter. Become a "Follower." What the heck, read some of my older blogs. My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo