How to Retire and Stay Retired

Yipeeeeeee!!!!  One year of retirement - DONE!!!! But, if John and I continue to spend at our current rate, we might be in a bit of financial trouble in about, oh....10 years.

Therefore, I have been racking my brains on how to sort out our financial dilemma. My list so far:

• Keep buying those lottery tickets twice a week.  Did you know that, "BC/49 is the BC-only lottery that gives you a chance to win $2 million for just $1. And for $1 more, you can also say "yes" to a chance at $500,000 with the Extra?" Did you?  

• With 3 bathroom reno.'s completed in the last year, guess how many "You could Win" surveys from Home Depot, Canadian Tire, Home Hardware, Wal-mart, etc. etc. we've completed. It's  50.  And counting. The odds are so in our favour.

 

Reduce wine, beer, gin and rum consumption. That's silly. 

• Ellen Degeneres finally agrees to have me as a guest on her show. I've just sent her my 6th e-mail explaining why I would be the perfect guest. She'll break soon. 

• Once famous from appearing on Ellen Degeneres, publish my blog. Then, broker an advance deal for my next book. Does anyone know a publisher who might be interested? Then, sell the TV rights. Then, sell the play rights. Then, sell the movie rights. Then, star in it. No. That's taking it too far. Ha! Ha! Seriously though, who wants to act in it with me?

• Become a personal trainer. With 30 years of teaching under my belt, and the majority of those as a PE and Health teacher, this makes a lot of sense.  In fact last summer I practiced my  trainer skills on my next door neighbour...

0 Minutes in...

Shelley: Glad you decided to join me.

Melanie: Thanks for the invite. Where should we go?

Shelley: Why don't you take me on your regular route. Go ahead and set the pace. That way I can evaluate your level of fitness.

Melanie: I don't really have a regular route. I haven't ran for over 2 years.

4 minutes in...

Melanie: Ahhhhhh!  I have a really sharp pain. Right under my rib cage. 

Shelley:  That's a stitch. They can be a little painful. Try to force air into it and stretch that side. OK?

Melanie: No. Not working. 

8 minutes in...

Melanie: My throat. It feels really dry. It's closing up. Is that possible?

12 minutes in...

Melanie: A steel band is squeezing the air out of my lungs.

Shelley: Your lips are a little blue.
Melanie: I probably should have brought my puffer. I'm asthmatic. 

16 minutes in...

Melanie: I'm so sorry. I have to stop. I'm feeling really nauseous. Oh no. I think I'm going to throw up....

Shelley: No. No. No. Sit down here. On the curb. Try to relax. Drop your head. Breath deeply. You'll feel better... Did you eat anything different this morning? 

Melanie: I didn't eat anything in case it would make me sick.

18 minutes in...

Melanie: I'm dizzy. I'm going to faint. But, we're almost home. I think I can make it.

Shelley: No. No. No. Squat down and put your head between your legs. Take deep deep breaths. That's it.

Couple walking by: Is she OK? 

Shelley: She's fine. Fine. First time working out in a while. You know what that's like. Oh ha! Ha! There. There. Better?

Melanie: Whoooahhh... a little?

Shelley: Has this ever happened before?

Melanie: Oh yes. The Doctor says it's because I have high blood pressure. Even with medication, I actually pass out quite frequently.

20 minutes in...

Melanie: Whew. Thanks so much. That was great. Tomorrow? Same time?

That Lottery better come through.

Shelley and John

PS: Enjoying the blogs? If so, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter. Become a "Follower." My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Tips on How to Catch Salmon - Guaranteed

The village of Sayward is located on Vancouver Island. Once a booming logging community, the sleepy town of 410 currently attracts outdoor enthusiasts such as hikers, kayakers, and fishermen. The purpose of our visit was to catch salmon. Yes, the pinks were running. Everyone was catching them. EVERYONE.

 First evening, while walking to the dock...

Shelley: We're allowed 4 pinks each, per day. Holy crap. That's 12 salmon. Do we have enough room in the freezer?
John: We'll have to buy ice for the cooler.
Shelley: Good idea. What about tomorrow we invite Shenley (brother) to join us. He'll love this.
John: And, we'll invite your mom and dad for dinner.
Shelley: A "salmon" dinner.
Shelley and John: Yeah baby!
Matt: Wow. You guys are really confident.
Shelley and John: Look. Everyone is catching them. We're going to do the same. Guaranteed.

Shelley: Hey there. Can we join you?

Local woman #1: Plenty of room.
Shelley: Good idea to wear that life jacket.
Local woman #1: I always wear my life jacket because a few years back I fell off the dock.

Shelley: Was it cold? 

Local woman #1: It was when I sobered up.
Shelley, John, Matthew and Local woman #1: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: I've got one. Shoot. It got away. Oh well. There's plenty left in the sea. Ha! Ha! Ha!
John: Yes! Caught one. Ahhh. Got away. No worries. I'll just cast again. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Matt:..................
Repeat above. Again. And again. And again. Annndddd again...
Local man #1: Here. Take this pink Buzz Bomb. I caught all my pinks with that last year. The three pronged hook is so big, no way they'll get away. Guaranteed.

Shelley: Really? Thanks so much. Can I pay you for it?

Local man #1: Wouldn't hear of it. 

Shelley: Yesssss!!! Got another one. It's staying on the line. OK. OK! OK!!!! SOMEONE GET THE NET!!! GET THE NET!!!

Local woman #1: I've got the net. Reel it in towards the dock. No. Don't back up. It'll cut your line. Keep the tension. KEEP THE TENSION!!!!!

Shelley: Don't lose it. Please don't lose it. Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! ...  That's 3 I've lost. I'm going up to make supper. 

John: Got another one! This one is not going to get away. Not this time! Come on you son of a @#$%!  Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!... That's 4.  I'm going up to start the barbeque.

Matt: Not even a nibble.... I'm going up to read.

Morning of day 2...

Shelley, Matt, John: It's just gorgeous. Today is our day. I can feel it. Let's do it Smiths.
Matt: Sorry, I just broke the tip off the rod...
John: Just lost my lure.

Early afternoon of day 2...

Matt: Yess! Jesus. Finally! Got one! Get the net. Get the net!! WT? It's charging the dock. It's jumping! It lost the hook. Nooooooo!!!!!  I can't even swear because of all these kids around me.

Late afternoon of day 3...

Shelley: (Mutters) @#$%! My last buzz bomb just flew off the end of the line... That's it. I'm done.
Local woman #2 (mother of all those kids): If it makes you feel any better, it sure went far.
Shelley: Thanks.
Local woman #2 (mother of all those kids): My husband can give you one. He always carries extras.
John: Here's 5 bucks for one.
Husband of Woman #2: You'll catch one with this buzz bomb. Guaranteed.

Shelley: Waahhhhaaaatttttt?  There goes my second lure. OMG. I'm sooooo done. I'll just sit here and watch.
Local woman #2 (mother of all those kids): My husband can give you another one. Honey?
John: All I've got is a 10.
Husband of Woman #2: Are you sure? That's too much. I shouldn't take that. But thanks. For $10 bucks I'll tie it on for you. It won't come off this time. Guaranteed.
John: (But you have my $5 bucks in your pocket. They're only worth $4. Give me my change.) Thanks.
John, Shelley, Matt: OK Smiths. Don't get discouraged. Where there's light there's hope. Let's give it one more hour. We can do this. Smiths don't quit!
John: Yes. Yes! YESSSSSS!!!!! GET THE NET!!! GET THE NET!!!!
Matt: I've got it Got it. Bring it in. Keep the tension.
Local Woman #2: Easy now. Keep the fish in the water until you scoop with the net.
Shelley: Come on. You can do it!
John, Shelley, Matt:  Yaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!! High five! We've got one! Look at it! It's a beauty!!!! Quick. Back to your spots.

Matt: Yess! Caught another one! Get the net. Get the net!! GET THE NET!!!!!! 

Local woman #1: I've got the net. Reel it in towards the dock. Don't back up. It'll cut your line. Keep the tension. KEEP THE TENSION!!!!!

Matt: Hey! The fish changed direction. It's charging the fishing boat!!! Don't jump. Don't jump. Don't you dare jump!!!! Nooooooo!!!!! ...Where did the lure go? Oh. No. It's wrapped itself around the pylon. I'm going to have to cut the line and lose the lure... And I still can't swear because those kids haven't left... I'm going up to read.

Shelley: OK. OK. Here we go. Here we freakin' go!!!  NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My $10 lure just flew off... That's it. I can't afford to fish any more.  I'm going up to drink wine and get the salmon ready.
John: Are you OK?
Shelley: I'm fine.
John: OK if I stay a little longer?
Shelley: Fine.
John: I'll just cast a few more times.
Shelley: Fine.

Matt: Mom. I know just the thing to make you feel better. Guaranteed.

We'll be back. Guaranteed.

Shelley and John
PS: Enjoying the blogs? If so, add a comment, click "like" on Facebook, click G+, share with your friends and family on G+, Facebook and Twitter. Become a "Follower." My ultimate goal is to appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. With your help, Ellen will notice me! Thanks!xo

Life Lessons

• Always park your new car as far away as possible from other vehicles. Guaranteed no one will hit you.

Just one of the many Life Lessons imparted by Matthew to his 15 year old cousin, Logan. At the end of the visit, we asked Logan what else he remembered.

On vehicles...

• Do not put diesel into cars that use gas. That will cost you $177.
• Avoid rolling stops at red lights. That's worth $420.

On  cooking for "the ladies..."

• Before preparing food for the ladies, always wash your hands up to your elbows for as long as it takes for you to sing "Happy Birthday." Fully. Don't rush the song. 
• Cook before your lady arrives or...
• Cook after your lady arrives, if you want to impress her with your cooking skills.
• Do the dishes as you go, so you don't get interrupted... like... from a movie?
• Cheese - you can never have too much cheese or... 

• meat? 
• Presentation - always use garnish. It makes food look fancy or taste better... for some reason. Not really sure why.
• For dessert, serve fresh fruit... No, that's high school or is that what mom makes me have?

On reading...

• Graphic novels are novels. So, they count as reading.

On archery...

•  Never ever "dry fire." (Release the string without an arrow notched) Cost to replace the sighting instrument - 12 bucks.

On water...

• Drink water all day long. No, that's also my mom's.

On Cereal...

• Lucky Charms are healthy. In fact there's not enough sugar in the charms. Actually, that's mine.

On what's free...

• Nothing in life is free... except girls. No? Not girls? Oh. Especially not girls.

On body odours...

• If your cousins stink, tell them. You would want to be told if you stink. 

On fishing...

   

Watch out for the dog fish's spines. They'll cut you up. Pretty sure that was from Uncle Shenley.

• Wear sunscreen and a hat. No, that was from Auntie Shelley.

On Batman...

• If Batman fights Superman, Batman wins. Always.

On the stress of remembering his Life Lessons...

• OK. That's enough. My heart is beating like an humming bird from the stress of trying to remember.

Matt is confident that Logan left us prepared for anything life throws at him. If you feel Matt has failed to include a "Life Lesson, " please share!

Shelley and John

Family Games

Last weekend, we celebrated my Birthday.  And in our family, it's tradition to play a game. I chose "Password." (Similar to "Taboo.") Here's how to play.

1. Players write down names of people, places or things on individual scraps of paper.
2. These are placed in a large bowl located in the middle of the table.
3. Everyone is paired up.
4. Each partner has 45 seconds to describe what's on his paper. His partner tries to guess.

My Dad: This is too small. I can't read this. 

Nephew Logan: What colour is it?
Dad: Orange.
Logan: That's mine. (Whispers) "Halo (not an angel)."
Dad: Not a devil, but an...
Son Matt: Angel!
Dad: Yes. So...
Logan: No Grandpa. That's a clue. 
Dad: What's a clue?
Logan: (Whispers) Not an angel.
Dad:  But, you didn't write "clue" so I said, "Not a devil."
Logan: I was trying to help you.
Everyone: He was trying to help you!!!
Dad: But, I wasted my...

iPad Timer App: (Elephant trumpeting) Ahrunnnngghhhhhh!!!!!

5. If your partner guesses correctly, you take out another scrap and continue. 

Shelley: Yes!! (Opens another scrap) Not boys, but...
Sister Shannon: Girls.
Shelley: Yes! Now for the first word... ahhhh... that time of the month.
Shannon: Period.
Shelley: Along those lines. Hmm.... Grade 9 girls get it. Actually, any woman of any age can get it. They go kind of crazy.
Shannon: Menopause!
Shelley: Also a time for going crazy. But, No. In England they call it "tension."
Shannon:...
Shelley: Come on!!!! You can get this.
Shannon: Jesus Charisssst! I've had beer, wine and have a menopausal memory...
Shelley: You get teary, anxious, can't sleep...
Shannon:...
Shelley: Moody, unpredictable...
Shannon: Put that @#$%er back and get a new one.
Everyone: You can't do that!! That's cheating!!!
Shannon: Says who? 
Shelley: Everything gets blown out of proportion, you overreact to everything...
Shannon: You can't make up new rules as you go! No one said...
Shelley: Just slow down and think about it.
Shannon: I don't @#$%ing know!!! This game is so ... WAIT!!! "MPSing GIRLS!!!!!!!!!"
Shelley: Yes!!!! Who wrote "that?"
Logan:  Heh! Heh! Heh! 

Everyone: Logan!!!!!
Brother-in-law Keith: I'm going to have to take that boy for a car ride.
Logan: Mom, you didn't say it right.  It's "PMSing Girls!!!" 
Shannon: Whatever. Shelley guessed the letters. We're taking it.
Logan: But...
Shannon: We're taking it.

iPad Timer App: Ahrunnnngghhhhhh!!!!!

6. You can't say the word or part of the word when giving clues.

Shannon:  Correct. (Opens another scrap) Princess.
Shelley: Cinderella.
Shannon: No. Princess dressed in white.
Shelley: Snow White.
Shannon: YES!!!
Everyone: You said the word!!!! End of turn!!!!
Shannon: We're taking it. I forgot that rule. Menopause. Next.
Everyone: But...
Shannon: Next.

iPad Timer App: Ahrunnnngghhhhhh!!!!!

7. If clues are incorrect, but your partner guesses correctly, you keep playing.

Logan: It's a name used for seat belts before I was born.

My Mom: Safety belts.

Logan: No. A really really long time ago.

Mom:...

Logan: OK. How about this? Another word for automobile.

Mom: Car?

Logan: Yes and when you clip it it in, you clip it into a...

Mom: Car buckle?

Logan: YESSSS!!!!!!!

Mom: Can I see that? That says carbunkle. 

Logan: What the heck is that?

Mom: Like a big sore on your butt.

Everyone: Euhhhhhh!!! Who wrote that? 

Mom: Hee! Hee! Hee!

iPad Timer App: Ahrunnnngghhhhhh!!!!!

8. You cannot show the word to your partner. That's cheating.

Dad: Laid back. 

Son Matt: Laid back, sipping on gin and juice. Chill lime juice. Chevy Cavalier.

Dad: Yes!! 

Everyone: Holy cow! Matt's good!!

Dad: (Opens another scrap) Night.

Matt: Uh, Grandpa. You're showing me the...

Shannon: Waahhhhaaatttt??? Are you #%^$ing kidding me? Everyone can read that! You are so cheating. Last round you kept a scrap of paper in your hand to use for the next time.

Dad: I never cheated. I didn't know that I did that. Here, I'll just get another piece of paper.

Everyone: OMG. Cheater!

Dad: Hey, I wasn't cheating. I...

Shelley: Dad! Some advice. If you're going to cheat, don't get caught. 
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
iPad Timer App: Ahrunnnngghhhhhh!!!!!

9. In round 2 you only use one word for a clue.

Keith: Ca Chick Paskshoooooooo!!

Husband John: "Back to the Future!"

Keith: Yes! 

Matt: WHAT???? You used "flux capacitor" sounds and dad got "Back to the Future?" 

Keith: Heh! Heh! Heh!

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Keith: (Opens another scrap) Ohnooooahhhhhhh....

John: PMSing Girls!!!!

Keith: YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: WHAT???!!!!
iPad Timer App: Ahrunnnngghhhhhh!!!!!

10. Also in round 2, as in round 1, you may not act out the word. 
Mom: Bram.
Logan: Bram?
Mom: Bram.
Logan: Bram? What is this Bram? Is it a thing?
Mom: Bram.
Logan: A place?
Mom: Bram.
Logan: A person?
Mom: Bram.
Logan:...

Mom: (Shows teeth) Bram.

Logan: A monkey?

Mom: (Pretends to bite Matt's neck)... 

Matt: Euuhhhhh. Grandma!! Don't touch me! 

Logan: A hungry person?

Shelley: Does anyone else see mom biting Matt's neck?

Mom: Hee! Hee! Hee!

Everyone: You can't act out the word!

Logan: I still don't get it.

Mom: It's Dracula.

Logan: Dracula? 

Everyone: You can't say the word!!!

iPad Timer App: Ahrunnnngghhhhhh!!!!!

Mom: It doesn't matter now. The elephant trumpeted.

Everyone: It does matter. You said "Dracula."

Logan: Dracula? What does a Bram have to do with Dracula?

Mom: Who knew what Bram was.

Everyone: I did. I didn't. What is Bram? How did you...

Matt: Oh for @#$%'s sake. I'm downloading the "Password" App. for 95 cents.

It's Keith's Birthday next week. Can't wait to see what game he'll choose.

Shelley and John