Announcing The Almost 2012 Darwin Award WInners

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We thought, "Hmmmm possible 2012 Darwin Award Winners" when we took these pictures in Texas and Joshua Tree.

30 meter climb without rope

We continued to think the same, when we overheard the following conversation take place between two Lacrosse players at the Grand Canyon...

"Wow. Isn't it unbelievable?

"Unf#$%ing believable!"

"And the colours?"

"Unf#$%ing believable!"

"It must be at least eighteen miles wide."
"Unf#$%ing believable!"
"Hey! Look where the rest of the lacrosse team is standing taking pictures."

"U*%#$%ing believable!" 
"Dude. There are no railings. The ledge drops off into space!"
"U*%#$%ing believable!"

"I heard some guy say it's about one mile deep."
"U*%#$%ing believable!"

"Same guy said around thirteen people die each year. Some jump. Some fall."

"U*%#$%ing believable!"

"I have a huge fear of heights. But, whatever dude, I'm going to join them!"
"Me too. Go! Go! Go!"

24 had their picture taken and 24 survived. No pic's by us, because it was too awful to watch.

But, when a drunk fisherman dove off the end of the wharf at Pismo Beach, California,

in 50 degree water,

and was helped,

by surfers,

who risked their boards and lives,

despite him not cooperating, 

to save him, we didn't think Darwin Awards, because, winners can't put anyone else's lives in jeopardy.

But, I was definitely back to thinking Darwin Awards the other day, when I forgot to use the car's hand brake causing it to roll backwards towards our beloved 2500 Diesel Duramax Crew Cab GMC truck with a short box because that's when John...

Re-enacted by John

Both truck and John survived. Darwin Awards denied. This time.

Shelley and John
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He Said She Said

We're back on Vancouver Island. 

 

Before heading to Comox Valley, we caught up with my sister, Shannon, brother- in- law, Keith and nephew, Logan in Victoria...

Shannon: Did I tell you about the time Auntie Gayle and her family came to visit? Gawd, what a fuss that ungrateful bunch made. Over nothing.
Keith: It wasn't nothing.

Shelley: Why? What happened?

Shannon: They came to Victoria for a one day, whirlwind trip which "I" had planned perfectly - wine tasting tours, a picnic lunch with french bread, four types of cheese, and seasonal fruit. It was awesome until on the way back to Sooke, when I asked everyone whether they wanted to take the scenic route through Port Renfrew, or the Malahat (Red route directly south from Duncan.)

Duncan (East of 18) is wine tasting country. Home is Sooke (14). Pass Lake Cowachin , then head south west for Port Renfrew.

Shelley: And?

Shannon: Everyone but Gayle, started yelling at the same time. What a racket. I couldn't understand a word. Usually, my co-pilot helps me out but, Gayle doesn't hear very well. So, I was on my own. I remember thinking, "To Hell with it.", made an executive decision and turned onto the scenic route. 

Keith: Shannon. That's not quite right. Nobody chose the three hour ride over the half hour return.

Shannon: Well, all "I" heard was noise. Anyway, as I said, I turned right. It was done. Always wanted to try that road.

Shelley: Ha! Ha! How’d that go?

Keith: Not so good. Everyone hated it.

Shannon and Keith

Shannon: If they had sat back and enjoyed the beautiful scenery, they would have loved it. Instead, the back seat didn't stop bitching and whining the entire time. Can you believe, at one point, Uncle Jim accused me of violating his rights, because his vote was ignored? He said it felt like he had been kidnapped. Christ. How ridiculous is that? 

Shelley: Ha! Ha! Keith? 

Keith: It was awful. The plan was that we would bring them back to the house for a nice leisurely barbeque and have plenty of time for them to make the ferry.

Shannon: Jesus. They had their barbeque and made the ferry. What was the big deal?

Keith: The big deal was, you floored it once you realized how long the scenic route was taking. Imagine, a three hour roller coaster ride.

Shannon: Oh for God’s sake. You say "I" exaggerate. Logan, you loved it. Right Logie?

Logan: Longest 7 hours of my life.

Logan and Keith

Shannon: Whatever. Auntie Gayle said it was one of her best trips. Ever. "She" can come again.

Shelley and John

Possible World Record for Home Inspection

While "Snowbirding" in the US, my nephew, Dan agreed to check in on our townhouse. When we returned, he shared with me how his inspection routine never varied.

4:30:00 

Marina: Dan. Go check on the townhouse.

Dan: But, it's getting dark. 

Marina: Get your ass over to Shelley's.

Dan: Mom! The townhouse is haunted. Even Andrew (my son) won't stay there on his own. Can't you guys drive me? 

Marina: You fool. Go.

4:32

Dan: I hope there's no hobo in there. Please don't have a hobo in there. Door's open. Lights on. And.... No hobo. Go! Go! Go!

4:32:05 

Dan: Mail. Done. Go. 

4:32:10

Dan: Forgot to sign the insurance sheet. Quickly. Find the insurance sheet. Huh??....What is that? What is that whistling sound? Ohahhhhh! Date? Today is... WHAT'S THE DATE? It's getting louder! Put anything down. They'll never know. Done! Go!

4:32:20

Dan: Hit toilet #1 on the way upstairs. Flush! Done! Go! 

4:32:25

Dan: Creepy whistling sound???... Gone. Good. But, Don't take any chances. Keep your speed. Hit every second stair and... 

4:32:27

Dan: Flush toilet #2. Open door. Reach. Flush. Done. Go.

 4:32:30

Dan: Andrew's room. Aieeee!!! His curtain just moved. How did that happen? Is the window open? Doesn't matter because I'm not going in there. Just leave it. Shut the door. Now! Done! Go!

 4:32:33

Dan: Shelley's room. Good. Good. Bathroom door's open. Good. Otherwise, not going in there. Toilet #3. Flush. Done. Go.

4:32:35

Dan: Matt's room. Mmmaahhhhhmaahhhh!!  I do not want to open his door. Matt's room is the worst. I know there are ghosts in there. Hundreds. Yeaahhhhh!!! What was that? There's something in there. Dan! Stop! You're imagining things. This is the last room. Do this and you're out of here. Open the door, Dan.  DO IT! NOW! YEEIIIKES!! I KNEW IT! SOMETHING'S IN THERE!  SHUT THE DOOR! DON'T LET THEM OUT!! DAN! YOU GET OUT! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! NOW! GO! GO! GO!

4:32:40 
Dan: Ahhh.... It's so black out here. Doesn't matter because... THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER! THEY'RE GOING TO GET YOU!!! AIEEEE!!!! RUN!!! DAN!! RUNNNNNN!!!!!!!

4:32:50

Dan: The door. I didn't lock the door...

Total time (including returning and locking the door):  
3 minutes.

Thanks "Possible World Champion Dan," our 
6 foot 3, 227 pound nephew.

Shelley and John

The Princess and the California Redwoods

While visiting an Information Centre in the Californian Redwoods, we watched "Climbing the Redwoods," a National Geographic documentary. 

It follows conservationists Mike Fay and Lindsey Holms, as they hike over 1,800 miles, for 333 days, researching the Redwoods. I get the research bit. Totally. 

What I don't get is, the fact that they lived the entire time in a tent, in a rain forest, that averages 40 inches of rain, per month. Can you imagine what that would have been like? I can...

4:00 P.M. April 15th, California Redwoods

Look at the tires!

Day 1 of Research...

Shelley: Wow! I am just overwhelmed by these magnificent giants.

Mike (Fay): Me too. Coffee?
Shelley: Tea, thanks.
Mike: Should we continue? Branches...

Shelley: One, two.... and, that makes eight hundred and sixty- three. 

Mike: Are you sure? It's just that scientific data demands accuracy.

Shelley: You're right. I better count again.

Day 2 of Research...

Mike: We should be able to finish this transect by the end of today. 

Shelley: Speaking of, I have an idea. Why don’t we split up? It'll get us out of the rain earlier.

Mike: Ahhh...., if you really think it’s a good idea...

Shelley: Not a good idea, Mike. A great idea.

Day 3 of Research...

Mike: Thanks for stopping early to make lunch. I’ll help you after we eat.

Shelley: No need. All done.

Mike: Wow. You're very efficient. 

Shelley: Very.

Mike: I hate for this to sound like a criticism, but, are you sure your data is accurate?

Shelley: Yes. Mike.

Day 4 of Research...

Shelley: WTF?? Is that a hut? We stayed in a tent, in the pouring rain, with a hut less than fifty yards away? Are you freakin' kidding me?
Mike: Maybe some coffee to warm you up?
Shelley: I hate coffee. 

Day 5 of Research...
Shelley: For the last time, I am not going through that patch of poison ivy.

Mike: But...

Shelley: Not happening, Mike. As scientists, I say we make an educated scientific guess. An hypothesis, if you will. 

Mike: But...

Shelley: Not scientifically sound enough for you? Then, by all means, have at it.

Day 6 of Research...

Mike: (Sing songy) Morning. You should see these beauties in the rain. Coffee?

Shelley: I hate coffee.
Mike: Oh. Silly me. I keep for...
Shelley: Don't talk.

Day 7 of Research...

Shelley: Aieee!!!! These @#$@ing mosquitoes!!! They're all over me!!! .... There. Much better.

Mike: SHELLEY!!!! We agreed. No pesticides!
Shelley: Relax. It's organic.

Day 8 of Research...
Shelley: Arghhhhh. @#$%@#$%!!!! @#$%@%$#!!!! That's it! I QUIT!!!!!
Mike: What? Why?
Shelley: Seriously? Are you blind? This #$%#ing endless rain is driving me crazy. I'm wet. I'm cold. Everything is wet and cold. I need sunshine, a hot bath and TEA. Not coffee. I HATE COFFEE! IT'S TEA! MIKE! TEA! 

Mike: But, you said you loved the challenge of living in a rain forest. 

Shelley: I lied, Mike.

Mike: The research? Did you lie about that too?

Shelley: Of course not. "That" I could have handled, if you weren’t so @#$* ing meticulous about "every" @#$* ing detail. So what if we make a little mistake here and there. So @#$* ing what! They’re trees, Mike. #@#$ing trees!! Last time I looked, they're protected and not going anywhere. 

Mike: But we’re scientists. Our data needs to be...

Shelley: Not finished, Mike. And what is it with that sing songy voice in the mornings? Are you on drugs? Because maybe, if you had shared some of those happy pills with me, I might still be in.
Mike: Of course not. I...

Shelley: Shhhh.....Still not finished. The fact that you insist we take our shoes off every @#$#ing time we cross a stream, because they might rot, makes me think that you are quite possibly insane. Are you insane, Mike? 

Mike: Why don't you sit by the fire, and warm up while I pack your gear?
Shelley: Now you're talking, Mike.

Shelley and John

She Loved me Like a Rock Oh Baby, She Loved me

You need to appreciate that after 6 months on the road and currently at the end of 14 hours of driving from Pismo Beach to The Californian Red Woods, in two days, we were scraping the bottom of the barrel for stories...

Shelley: And that's what happened in Grade 2. Want to hear what happened in Grade 3?

John: Do I have a choice?

Shelley: Ha! Ha! So, picture me, "the" most adored, loved, model student ever, think teacher's pet, listening attentively to my teacher. But, despite the fact that I was enjoying the story, and wanted to please her, I became restless and started to fidget. At one point, I slumped low in my desk and spotted my comb. Immediately, I began grooming. Once finished, I wrapped my long bangs around the comb, and rolled bangs and combs as tightly as I could, up to my hair line. Like this...

It was a terrible decision, because, when I tried to unwind it, nothing happened. Hair and comb were hopelessly tangled. Just my luck, that's when my teacher spotted me. I know what was going through her mind as she watched me struggle.

Teacher: Dear God. What "is" she doing?

Shelley: Panicked, I covered the rat's nest with one hand, tugged with the other, and smiled.

Teacher: Look at that smile. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She doesn’t fool me one little bit. She is definitely up to something. But what?

Shelley: She was three rows away. More tugging. More pulling. But, nothing worked. Nothing!

Teacher: Why in the world is she pulling on her bangs? 

Shelley: With two rows to go, I was frantic. But, the damn thing wouldn’t budge. 

Teacher: Whatever she’s trying to do, it’s definitely not working.

Shelley: She reached me. 

Teacher: Oh. My. God. How did she do that? Never mind, I am not going to ask. Unbelievable.

Shelley: By this time, my eyes were darting around, I could barely breathe and sweat was pouring off me.

Teacher: Oh boy. She’s worked herself into a real state. Not as bad as yesterday, though, when I woke her during the math lesson. 

Shelley: I was cornered. 

Teacher: Can't wait to see how she plays this one out.

Shelley: I asked for permission to go to the bathroom. No way was she going to say “no.” Too much of a risk.

Teacher: Is she kidding me? If I let her go, guaranteed she won’t be back before the end of recess.

Shelley: Denied. 

Teacher: Bet she goes for the “panic toilet” move. Wait for it. Wait for it. And...and....there it is.

Shelley: I scrunched up my face, jiggled, and tapped my feet.

Teacher: Her acting skills have definitely improved. The new jiggling move, very effective. And now, the finale....

Shelley: “Please Miss. May I go? Please. I’m not sure if I can wait until recess. Please. Oh. Oh. Please.” 

Teacher: Can’t help but think of the orphanage scene from, “Oliver.” 

Shelley: Of course I fooled her. Chunks of hair came out. But, I didn’t care. The comb was free and I "knew" I was still her most favourite. Ever. And, as her favourite, I was confident she wouldn't mind if I went to recess early. You know, she resigned half way through the year. Never could figure out why. 

Resonable Facsimile of Shelley

Shelley and John

Texting for Dummies

Good bye... 

Palm Springs,

Marilyn Monroe,

Elvis,

and Joshua Tree.

Hello 7 hours of driving....
Shelley: I'm going to text Andrew..... Hmmmm..... Let's see.... No.... No... Aha!... No.... That didn't work.... Maybe, if I... Nope.... Oh! I know.... I need to.... YES!!!!!!!!.... No.... I'll just hit that button and... Hmmmm... Change of plan... I'll call him.
John: Oh. My. God. You're driving me crazy.
Shelley: What? Why?

John: You don't know how to use the cell phone. 

Shelley: Yes I do.

John: No you don't. You're lucky if you can turn it on. And, when you do, you stare at it with a puzzled expression, randomly hit buttons, until you eventually find what you want.

Shelley: Why do you care? 

John: I wish I didn't. Let me give you a lesson on how to use the phone.

Shelley: Now?

John: Now.

Shelley: But you're driving in Northern LA, on a 7 lane highway, at 55 miles per hour, with a house attached to your butt.

John: Trust me. I don't even need to look. Please. For me.
Shelley: Well, if that's the only thing I do that drives you crazy. Go.
John: I didn't say that was the only thing.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! Go.

John: First, you need to open the phone.
Shelley: Funny. Go.
John: Select messaging, new message, text message. It will say, "Who?" Go to contacts. Select a contact by...
Shelley: Stop. I can do that...whoops. Apparently I can't. Hang on. Start again. Go.
John: From the start?
Shelley: Yes. Go.
John: Jesus Christ, Shelley. I just told you...
Shelley: John. There's no way I can remember all of that. Go.
John: (Deep breath) OK, first you need to (Waahhhh... mowahhh... wahhhhh) and "send." Got it?
Shelley: Got it.
John: Now you try.
Shelley: No one to text. But don't worry. It's all up here. 
John: OMG. You don't have a clue do you?
Shelley: Don't be silly. Of course I do. But, I have to admit, when you said, "contacts," it made me think about how my contacts were itching my eyes. Then, I wondered whether or not I had enough contacts to make it home. Thinking of home, I remembered that we need to buy a new fridge. I had to decide, "White or stainless steel?" Shelley said stainless steel was a pain in the Ass, and pricey. So, white it will be. Next, I thought, "Note to self, write Marina and ask her to keep an eye out for sales." By that time, you asked me, "Got it?" So, there you are. Anyhoo, enough of that. What else do I do that drives you crazy? Go.

Shelley and John