What is it About Bodily Functions?

Lousiana's I 10 is built on cement pylons over swamp.

Isn't it interesting how bodily functions are either highly offensive or highly entertaining? For example, on the way back from Louisiana......

Shelley: Oh! My! God!!! John!!!! You stink! Gak! Gak! GaK!
John: It wasn't me.
Shelley: BS. Can you at least roll down the window before you do that?
John: It wasn't me.
Shelley: That is so not true. Would you have done "that" if we were on our first date?
John: It wasn't me and we're not on our first date.
Shelley: Would you have at least rolled down the window, if we were on our first date?
John: It wasn't me. But if it was me on our first date, I would have.
Shelley: If it wasn't you, why did you lean to one side?
John: It wasn't me. I leaned to one side so I could see out the window. Why don't you look out the window? Can you see those oil refineries? Did you stop to think that it could be them?

Shelley: It wasn't. It was you. Admit it.
John: Maybe it was you.
Shelley: Not a chance. Besides, "I" don't stink.

John: Ohhhhh I forgot. You're perfect! Speaking of perfect, remember Jim's story of the "perfect monster poop?"
Shelley: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, but tell it again.
John: Picture Jim teaching his Social Studies class, when another teacher knocks on his door. He tells Jim to go to the men's toilets. Right away. Although Jim says he's teaching, the other teacher pushes Jim out the door.
Shelley: When Jim reaches the men's room, he opens the cubicle door and sees a sheet of paper taped above the toilet. It says...
Shelley and John:"Do not flush! Possible world record!"
John: Curious, he opens the lid, looks inside, and there it is....the most "perfect monster poop" coiled round and round filling the entire bowl.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: He didn't flush, right?
John: Are you kidding? He knocked on the next teacher's door.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Imagine what would have happened if the students found out.
John: Or the Principal.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Promise me you'll open the window next time.
John:..... Jesus Christ Shelley!

Shelley and John

Internet Connection Down? Call the IT Experts!

My sister-in law's internet went down. When this happens, the neighbourhood's goes down too. So, Shelley phoned her IT company to check.

IT Expert #1: (Perky) Hello. This is Karen. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Shelley: Hi. My name's Shelley and I'm calling to check if the internet's down in the neighbourhood.
IT Expert #1: One second, Shelley. No.
Shelley: Arghhh!
IT Expert #1: I can appreciate your frustration. Hang in there, as an IT expert, I can help you. Is your TV working?
Shelley: Yes.
IT Expert #1:Phone?
Shelley: Yes.
IT Expert #1: What kind of modem do you have?
Shelley: ____
IT Expert #1: Try plugging the modem directly into the computer.
Shelley:.........No... It still doesn't work.
IT Expert #1: Hmmmmmm.......Try running the following programs.

Shelley: .......... No.... It still doesn't work.

IT Expert #1: Hmmmm....... Are the lights on in the modem box?

Shelley: Yes. But one's flashing.
IT Expert #1: That's the D link. Don't worry about the D link. The other ones are the important ones. ......hmmmmm......hmmmmm...... Shelley, I'm sorry, that's all I can do for you. I'm going to patch you through to IT Expert #2. Thank you for choosing us. We are available 24/7. Have a nice day.

IT Expert #2: Hello. This is Billy. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Shelley: Hi. My name's Shelley. My internet isn't working.
IT Expert #2: (Snippily) Repeat your name.
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Put your mouth next to the phone. I can't hear you.
Shelley: SHELLEY!
IT Expert #2: (Impatiently) You're yelling now?!?!
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Kelly. How can I help you?
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Shirley, the most important thing is the D link. Is the D link light flashing?
Shelley: Shelley..... But the IT Expert #1 said not to worry about it.
IT Expert #2: (Haughtily) Did she now? (Goes through the exact same procedure as IT Expert #1) .....hmmmmm......hmmmmm...... Michelle, that's all I can do for you. I'm going to give you the phone number to IT Expert #3. Thank you for choosing us. We are available 24/7. Have a nice day.

Shelley: Arghhhh! I just wasted an hour of my life....... I know this probably won't work, but....before I phone IT Expert #3......... I'm just going to unplug everything..... count to twenty.......... and........ plug it all back in........just to check if.......shit.

Why Alligators Won't eat Ex-wives

I thought I would share more of our experience with swamp tour guide extraordinaire, Laurence Joseph, (Guess what his pa's name is?) self proclaimed coon-ass.

First his joke.
Opelousas comes up to Thibideaux and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"
Thibideaux replies, "Give me the good new first."
Opelousas says, "The good news is that you have twenty four hours to live."
Thibideaux cries out, "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"
Opelousas responds, "I forgot to tell you yesterday."

Laurence's explanation of Lousiana's gun laws.

Why alligators won't eat Laurence's ex-wife.

We tipped him $20.
If you ever head south, here is their site:
http://munsonswamptours.com/

Shelley and John

"Car Talk" Presented by Shelley and Shelley

Did you know that Mardi Gras is celebrated outside of Lousiana? Neither did we, until last night, when Steve and Shelley took us to a Mardi Gras parade in Gavelston. While we waited, Steve showed John and our "new" Texan friends a game where you have to push a bottle forward while balancing on one hand.

On the way home, the conversation turned to golf carts.
Steve: I still can't figure out why the lights on my golf cart won't work.
Shelley Smith: I remember, while in elementary school, attaching wires from a battery to a light. If the light didn't work, it was because the wires were attached backwards. Could it be that?
Steve: No. I checked. But thanks. I didn't know you knew so much about cars and trucks. In fact, years ago, you phoned home, because the oldsmobile had broken down. Dad and I couldn't believe it when you said you had already checked the muffler, so that wasn't the problem. We tried to think of other ridiculous stuff for you to check next, like the radio, or the tires or water in the radiator.
John: Shelley told me that story. Didn't she call it the "muff?"

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley Smith: But, I've come a long way since then. Now I know a whole lot about trucks. For instance, we have a 2007 GMC, 6 gear, 2500 Duramax, shortbox truck.
Steve: Wow. That's impressive. So, how many cylinders does your truck have?
Shelley Smith: Definitely eight. But to be honest, I'm not really sure what a cylinder is.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
What Steve and John said: Well, a cylinder is just like a.....
What Shelley and Shelley heard: Moohwaahh...waahhhhhh mowahhh......wahhhhh.....

Steve: John, listen to this. Shelley Orr, how many cylinders does your car have?
Shelley Orr:....Eight?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:..... Six?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:.... Five?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:.......Four?
Steve: Yes!
Shelley Smith: Well done. Excellent strategy by starting high. It left you room for more guesses.
Shelley Orr: Why thank you.
Shelley Smith: In fact, you could add that to your list of talents. Although, it's not nearly as impressive as your super talent of being able to consume a vat of wine, then get up early the next morning, for a huge run.
Shelley Orr: (Modestly) True. True.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Steve: OK, smart asses, how many cylinders does a golf cart have?

Shelley and Shelley: (Turning to each other)...............
Shelley Orr: What do you think?
Shelley Smith: Not sure. But I did see six batteries.
Shelley Orr: I don't think batteries have cylinders. Do you?
Shelley Smith: Hmmm. I don't know, because I still don't understand what they are. But, perhaps you're right. What about pistons? Does "pistons" sound right to you?
Shelley Orr: Pistons?.....Maybe....
Shelley and Shelley: Wait a second. Steve, are you trying to trick us?
Steve:.........
Shelley and Shelley: Golf carts don't have cylinders. They have six batteries that power six pistons. There. That's our answer! We are so awesome!
Shelley Smith: Shelley! I have an idea. We should start our own "Car Talk" radio show. You know, where people phone in and ask us how to fix their cars.
Shelley Orr: Definitely.
Steve: Just promise me neither one of you will touch my golf cart.

Shelley and John

How to Escape an Alligator Attack

After four great days in Lousiana, we are back in Texas. Before we left, we were worried about being able to understand the Lousiana accent. Surprisingly, there weren't any problems for us, but few Louisianians could understand John. 

Here's what typically happened when John spoke.

Cute Server: (Big, big smile) Hello! My name is Suzy. How can I help y'all?

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server:(Smile falters)Pardon me, sir.

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server: (Smile is back, with giggles) I’m sorry, sir. Can you repeat that?

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server:(more giggles)...............

John: And my wife would like a hot chocolate.

Cute Server: (And more giggles) Oh gosh. I'm not sure what's come over me. Did you say moccha? 

John: No. I said hot chocolate. 

Cute Server: (And even more giggles)........I'm very sorry sir. We don't have that.

John: Yes you do. It’s written right there on the wall.

Cute Server: (Turns to her co-worker, whispers) Can you understand him?(Co-worker shrugs, both laugh)

Shelley: You can‘t understand him, can you?

Cute Server and co-worker: (Laugh harder) No m'am. Where y'all from?

John: England

Cute server and co-worker:(Look at each other and resume laughing).......

John: London, England.

Cute server: (Turning to me) M'am, do you know what he's saying? 

Shelley: I have no idea. I’m not with him. But this is what I would like...

John: Jesus Christ Shelley.Thanks a lot.

Language aside, we had a great time, especially in "The French Quarter" in New Orleans.

And of course, you can’t leave Lousiana without taking a swamp tour. Although all of the large, (up to 200 year old, 17 foot) alligators were hibernating for winter(darn), 2 small ones made an appearance. Our tour guide, Laurence Joseph, entertained us for two hours sharing stories, information, opinions and advice. We now know how the Saints ended up winning the Super Bowl, that raccoons don’t have saliva glands, how vultures are beauuutiful and necessary and how to survive without food and water in a swamp. 

 

However, without a doubt"the" most important advice LJ gave us was how to escape an alligator attack. 

We will definitely be back.

Shelley and John

World's First Bungee Station

We have been having a great time in Texas visiting the Texas Orrs; brother Steve, sister-in-law Shelley, and niece, Bailey. It was inevitable that tales of growing up would be rolled out and dusted off. At Bailey’s request, Steve told the story about the World's First Bungee Station built by him and my other brother,Shenley in Terra Nova National Park. 

I've taken the liberty of creating their dialogue.

Darryl (not his real name): Hey Shenley. Steve. What’s up?

Steve: Can’t really tell you.

Darryl: What? Why not?

Shenley: If we tell you, you’ve got to help us out.

Darryl: Oh boy. I’m not sure. I still have 25 stitches in my head from the last time I helped you guys out. 

Steve: Whatever, Darryl. You chose to get on your bike and try out our ice ramp. It’s not our fault your head hit that roof.

Darryl: I was unconscious.

Shenley

Shenley: True, but look at all the attention you got. And, it wasn’t even your idea.

Darryl: Jeez.....Guys.....I don’t know....

Steve: Don’t worry about it. I’ll get Bob. He’ll do it.

Darryl:...... ahhhhh

Shenley: Last chance. Tell you what. We’ll even let you go first. 

Darryl: ....OK..... OK. I’ll do it. But promise me I won’t get hurt. Mom’s still pissed that she had to drive over an hour to the hospital.

Steve: We promise. Now, look up in that tree. Can you see how we’ve attached the pulley to the branch, then thread the clothes line through it?

Darryl: Yes.

Shenley: What we're going to do is wrap the other end of the clothes line around your waist.... like that..... good. OK Shenley, pull with me.

Darryl: What are you doing? Put me down!

Shenley: Relax. Look how safe you are. Again? Cool. Right?

Darryl: Very cool. Thanks guys.

Steve: Actually, you’re not done. That was just the first step. Let’s go up to the garage roof. The next step is to jump off the roof, into the gulley, while Shenley and I hold on to the rope. When you stop swinging, we let you down. Ready?

Darryl:..........I don’t know. It’s pretty far down. If the line breaks, I’m going to crash into those trees.

Shenley: Darryl. Didn’t we just raise and lower you without any problems?

Darryl:....Yes. But. 

Steve: But what? Don’t you trust us?

Darryl: .....Uh.... yes? Its’ just that....

Shenley: Never mind. Give me the rope.

Darryl: No! .......... I’ll do it. Just don’t let go. Please. 

Shenley and Steve: You've got it, buddy. One. Two. THREE! 

Darryl: Yeee Haw!!! Ahhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Steve and Shenley: ........ Do you think we killed him this time?

Steve: Darryl? Hey! Are you OK? Where is he?

Shenley: There he is. Crawling out of the bushes. OK buddy? Oh oh. There’s blood, 

Steve: and branches,

Shenley: and leaves,

Shenley and Steve: sticking out of him. He looks like a porcupine... or....mmphhhhh!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh boy. His mom is going to kill us. Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Darryl: You B@#$^%$s. You! Let! Go!

Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #2 Learn Spanish Together

Despite our misgivings, which I voiced in a letter to my brother, Steve, we found ourselves on the long, long, long, road to Houston, Texas.
(To read the letter, click on: http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2011/11/texas.html,)

John: No. No more games.

Shelley: How about we name all of the States of America?

John: No. I just can't. No.

Shelley: OK. Tell me something about you I don't know.
John: Jesus Christ Shelley. We've been married for thirty years. 
Shelley: Want the radio on?
John: No. I don't care who wins the Republican Nomination. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to listen to country songs............Oh. My. God.  Look around you. Why do people live out here? What did they do wrong? Can you imagine? How big is this bloody State any way?

Shelley: You know, if you had agreed to stay at the last rest stop, we would be done by now. 

John: Do not blame this six hour day of driving on me. "You" refused to stay in the last town.

Shelley: You mean the one where the real "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" took place? 
John: ...... Dear God. How much longer to the next town?

Shelley: Maybe an hour to Ozona. There must be an RV Park there.

John: F@#$$CKKKK!!!!!!!!! This country has looked exactly the same since we left San Diego. And now we are in Texas.

Jesus. Nothing changes. Nothing. Even the road kill is the same - deer!  I can't believe that "Billy The Kid" couldn't find a hiding place in the middle of " F#$% Butt Nowhere!"

Shelley: Hey.That's a swear. Why don't we play a game where we each take a turn saying a swear word? I'll go first. S#$%. 

John: S#$% head. 

Shelley: Nope. That's my word. You have to come up with a different one. Try again.

John:...

Shelley: John?

John:...

Shelley: Tell you what. I'll even let you say my favourite word.

John:...

Shelley: What is '"wrong" with you?.....

John:...

Shelley: Fine.

John:...

Shelley:...

And that's how we finished the last hour of our seven hour road trip for that day.

I knew we needed something new, different and challenging to occupy us during the next day's five hour plus journey. It was soooo obvious. We would learn to speak Spanish. We "had" to try out our new CD that very same night. John couldn't have agreed more and enthusiastically joined in. We dove into lesson 4, just to make sure we would be challenged.

Shelley and John