"Car Talk" Presented by Shelley and Shelley

Did you know that Mardi Gras is celebrated outside of Lousiana? Neither did we, until last night, when Steve and Shelley took us to a Mardi Gras parade in Gavelston. While we waited, Steve showed John and our "new" Texan friends a game where you have to push a bottle forward while balancing on one hand.

On the way home, the conversation turned to golf carts.
Steve: I still can't figure out why the lights on my golf cart won't work.
Shelley Smith: I remember, while in elementary school, attaching wires from a battery to a light. If the light didn't work, it was because the wires were attached backwards. Could it be that?
Steve: No. I checked. But thanks. I didn't know you knew so much about cars and trucks. In fact, years ago, you phoned home, because the oldsmobile had broken down. Dad and I couldn't believe it when you said you had already checked the muffler, so that wasn't the problem. We tried to think of other ridiculous stuff for you to check next, like the radio, or the tires or water in the radiator.
John: Shelley told me that story. Didn't she call it the "muff?"

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley Smith: But, I've come a long way since then. Now I know a whole lot about trucks. For instance, we have a 2007 GMC, 6 gear, 2500 Duramax, shortbox truck.
Steve: Wow. That's impressive. So, how many cylinders does your truck have?
Shelley Smith: Definitely eight. But to be honest, I'm not really sure what a cylinder is.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
What Steve and John said: Well, a cylinder is just like a.....
What Shelley and Shelley heard: Moohwaahh...waahhhhhh mowahhh......wahhhhh.....

Steve: John, listen to this. Shelley Orr, how many cylinders does your car have?
Shelley Orr:....Eight?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:..... Six?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:.... Five?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:.......Four?
Steve: Yes!
Shelley Smith: Well done. Excellent strategy by starting high. It left you room for more guesses.
Shelley Orr: Why thank you.
Shelley Smith: In fact, you could add that to your list of talents. Although, it's not nearly as impressive as your super talent of being able to consume a vat of wine, then get up early the next morning, for a huge run.
Shelley Orr: (Modestly) True. True.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Steve: OK, smart asses, how many cylinders does a golf cart have?

Shelley and Shelley: (Turning to each other)...............
Shelley Orr: What do you think?
Shelley Smith: Not sure. But I did see six batteries.
Shelley Orr: I don't think batteries have cylinders. Do you?
Shelley Smith: Hmmm. I don't know, because I still don't understand what they are. But, perhaps you're right. What about pistons? Does "pistons" sound right to you?
Shelley Orr: Pistons?.....Maybe....
Shelley and Shelley: Wait a second. Steve, are you trying to trick us?
Steve:.........
Shelley and Shelley: Golf carts don't have cylinders. They have six batteries that power six pistons. There. That's our answer! We are so awesome!
Shelley Smith: Shelley! I have an idea. We should start our own "Car Talk" radio show. You know, where people phone in and ask us how to fix their cars.
Shelley Orr: Definitely.
Steve: Just promise me neither one of you will touch my golf cart.

Shelley and John

How to Escape an Alligator Attack

After four great days in Lousiana, we are back in Texas. Before we left, we were worried about being able to understand the Lousiana accent. Surprisingly, there weren't any problems for us, but few Louisianians could understand John. 

Here's what typically happened when John spoke.

Cute Server: (Big, big smile) Hello! My name is Suzy. How can I help y'all?

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server:(Smile falters)Pardon me, sir.

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server: (Smile is back, with giggles) I’m sorry, sir. Can you repeat that?

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server:(more giggles)...............

John: And my wife would like a hot chocolate.

Cute Server: (And more giggles) Oh gosh. I'm not sure what's come over me. Did you say moccha? 

John: No. I said hot chocolate. 

Cute Server: (And even more giggles)........I'm very sorry sir. We don't have that.

John: Yes you do. It’s written right there on the wall.

Cute Server: (Turns to her co-worker, whispers) Can you understand him?(Co-worker shrugs, both laugh)

Shelley: You can‘t understand him, can you?

Cute Server and co-worker: (Laugh harder) No m'am. Where y'all from?

John: England

Cute server and co-worker:(Look at each other and resume laughing).......

John: London, England.

Cute server: (Turning to me) M'am, do you know what he's saying? 

Shelley: I have no idea. I’m not with him. But this is what I would like...

John: Jesus Christ Shelley.Thanks a lot.

Language aside, we had a great time, especially in "The French Quarter" in New Orleans.

And of course, you can’t leave Lousiana without taking a swamp tour. Although all of the large, (up to 200 year old, 17 foot) alligators were hibernating for winter(darn), 2 small ones made an appearance. Our tour guide, Laurence Joseph, entertained us for two hours sharing stories, information, opinions and advice. We now know how the Saints ended up winning the Super Bowl, that raccoons don’t have saliva glands, how vultures are beauuutiful and necessary and how to survive without food and water in a swamp. 

 

However, without a doubt"the" most important advice LJ gave us was how to escape an alligator attack. 

We will definitely be back.

Shelley and John

World's First Bungee Station

We have been having a great time in Texas visiting the Texas Orrs; brother Steve, sister-in-law Shelley, and niece, Bailey. It was inevitable that tales of growing up would be rolled out and dusted off. At Bailey’s request, Steve told the story about the World's First Bungee Station built by him and my other brother,Shenley in Terra Nova National Park. 

I've taken the liberty of creating their dialogue.

Darryl (not his real name): Hey Shenley. Steve. What’s up?

Steve: Can’t really tell you.

Darryl: What? Why not?

Shenley: If we tell you, you’ve got to help us out.

Darryl: Oh boy. I’m not sure. I still have 25 stitches in my head from the last time I helped you guys out. 

Steve: Whatever, Darryl. You chose to get on your bike and try out our ice ramp. It’s not our fault your head hit that roof.

Darryl: I was unconscious.

Shenley

Shenley: True, but look at all the attention you got. And, it wasn’t even your idea.

Darryl: Jeez.....Guys.....I don’t know....

Steve: Don’t worry about it. I’ll get Bob. He’ll do it.

Darryl:...... ahhhhh

Shenley: Last chance. Tell you what. We’ll even let you go first. 

Darryl: ....OK..... OK. I’ll do it. But promise me I won’t get hurt. Mom’s still pissed that she had to drive over an hour to the hospital.

Steve: We promise. Now, look up in that tree. Can you see how we’ve attached the pulley to the branch, then thread the clothes line through it?

Darryl: Yes.

Shenley: What we're going to do is wrap the other end of the clothes line around your waist.... like that..... good. OK Shenley, pull with me.

Darryl: What are you doing? Put me down!

Shenley: Relax. Look how safe you are. Again? Cool. Right?

Darryl: Very cool. Thanks guys.

Steve: Actually, you’re not done. That was just the first step. Let’s go up to the garage roof. The next step is to jump off the roof, into the gulley, while Shenley and I hold on to the rope. When you stop swinging, we let you down. Ready?

Darryl:..........I don’t know. It’s pretty far down. If the line breaks, I’m going to crash into those trees.

Shenley: Darryl. Didn’t we just raise and lower you without any problems?

Darryl:....Yes. But. 

Steve: But what? Don’t you trust us?

Darryl: .....Uh.... yes? Its’ just that....

Shenley: Never mind. Give me the rope.

Darryl: No! .......... I’ll do it. Just don’t let go. Please. 

Shenley and Steve: You've got it, buddy. One. Two. THREE! 

Darryl: Yeee Haw!!! Ahhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Steve and Shenley: ........ Do you think we killed him this time?

Steve: Darryl? Hey! Are you OK? Where is he?

Shenley: There he is. Crawling out of the bushes. OK buddy? Oh oh. There’s blood, 

Steve: and branches,

Shenley: and leaves,

Shenley and Steve: sticking out of him. He looks like a porcupine... or....mmphhhhh!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh boy. His mom is going to kill us. Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Darryl: You B@#$^%$s. You! Let! Go!

Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #2 Learn Spanish Together

Despite our misgivings, which I voiced in a letter to my brother, Steve, we found ourselves on the long, long, long, road to Houston, Texas.
(To read the letter, click on: http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2011/11/texas.html,)

John: No. No more games.

Shelley: How about we name all of the States of America?

John: No. I just can't. No.

Shelley: OK. Tell me something about you I don't know.
John: Jesus Christ Shelley. We've been married for thirty years. 
Shelley: Want the radio on?
John: No. I don't care who wins the Republican Nomination. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to listen to country songs............Oh. My. God.  Look around you. Why do people live out here? What did they do wrong? Can you imagine? How big is this bloody State any way?

Shelley: You know, if you had agreed to stay at the last rest stop, we would be done by now. 

John: Do not blame this six hour day of driving on me. "You" refused to stay in the last town.

Shelley: You mean the one where the real "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" took place? 
John: ...... Dear God. How much longer to the next town?

Shelley: Maybe an hour to Ozona. There must be an RV Park there.

John: F@#$$CKKKK!!!!!!!!! This country has looked exactly the same since we left San Diego. And now we are in Texas.

Jesus. Nothing changes. Nothing. Even the road kill is the same - deer!  I can't believe that "Billy The Kid" couldn't find a hiding place in the middle of " F#$% Butt Nowhere!"

Shelley: Hey.That's a swear. Why don't we play a game where we each take a turn saying a swear word? I'll go first. S#$%. 

John: S#$% head. 

Shelley: Nope. That's my word. You have to come up with a different one. Try again.

John:...

Shelley: John?

John:...

Shelley: Tell you what. I'll even let you say my favourite word.

John:...

Shelley: What is '"wrong" with you?.....

John:...

Shelley: Fine.

John:...

Shelley:...

And that's how we finished the last hour of our seven hour road trip for that day.

I knew we needed something new, different and challenging to occupy us during the next day's five hour plus journey. It was soooo obvious. We would learn to speak Spanish. We "had" to try out our new CD that very same night. John couldn't have agreed more and enthusiastically joined in. We dove into lesson 4, just to make sure we would be challenged.

Shelley and John

Why Americans Aren't Spending or Why We Miss SE Asia

We are frequently frustrated by the poor internet connections at our campsites. Inevitably, the following happens...

Andrew:  Dad! I can’t (static) hear you. (static)  typing! 

John: OK. I’m going to try typ... Nooooo!!!!! Skype just froze! I just lost the connection. Arghhhh!!!!  (Insert swear words here. Say them. Say them again.) The (Add more swear words here.) internet just went down. The (And more) phone never has any bars. We have got  to do something or I'm really going to lose it!  I don’t care how much it costs, but we’re going to buy a wifi system. I’m serious. Get dressed. Now. 

Shelley: But it’s ten o’clock at night. 

First attempt.....

We’re first in line, waiting to be served. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. The salesman ignores us and continues to type on his computer. Finally, he looks up.

Salesman: How can I help you? (Looks at his cell phone)

John: We’ve heard that you sell a wifi system that we can use while traveling.

Salesman: One sec. (Smiles as he texts) Sorry. What was that?

John: We’ve heard that you sell a wifi system that we can use while traveling. 

Salesman:(Quick glance at his phone) Uh- huh. Uh- huh. (Points at the rack) Over there. (Doesn’t move)

John: Maybe you could come over there with us to explain the options? 

Salesman: (Finishes typing) Uh. Right. Follow me. There they are. 

John: Can you explain how they work and the different plans?

Salesman: (Chuckling, while peeking at his phone) I’m not really sure. (Texts some more) Why don’t you take a look at one of these pamphlets? (Passes John a pamphlet, checks his phone, smiles, resumes texting) If you do decide to purchase a plan, my name's Rob and I work on commission. 

Repeat opening section. Second attempt in another store.

Store Manager: And that’s basically how the two plans work.

John: I’m sorry. Do you mind writing that down?

Store Manager: (Pained, bored expression) Take care of that Mike.

Shelley: I bet you have a lot of customers who come in here every day asking about these.


Store Manager: Yes. 

Shelley: So.... then, you must know quite a lot about them. Which is good, because I have a few more questions. Can we suspend the contract for 6 continuous months while we are in Canada?

Store Manager: I’m not sure. You’ll have to contact head office and ask them.

Shelley: So... OK. OK. Will we have coverage in Canada too, at least near the border?

Store Manager: I’m not sure. You’ll have to contact head office and ask them.

Shelley: So.....Wait. Hang on a sec. I just need to make sure that I’ve got this right. Even though we have explained to you that our coverage is so unreliable that we frequently lose connections, you still advise us to contact the head office?

Store Manager: That’s correct.

Shelley: So... how do you propose that we contact the head office?

John: Exactly. How do...

Shelley: John, I’ve got this. (Turns to the manager) Can you answer me? Please? (Looks around the empty store) Is it  because you're too busy? 

Store Manager: I told you. It’s not our job. It’s up to the customer.

Shelley: You must be @#$*ing kidding me! 

Store Manager: Lady, I don’t think there is any reason for you raise your voice and use that kind of language.

Shelley: Oh really?....I didn’t think I was. BUT NOW I AM! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? NOBODY HAS COME INTO THIS STORE FOR THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES. I AM ASSUMING THAT YOU ARE ALL WORKING ON COMMISSION, AND EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT, WHY AREN’T ALL THREE OF YOU HUSTLING YOUR ASSES OFF TO SELL ME A @#$*^%&  DEVICE? DO YOU KNOW THAT I OWN SHARES IN THIS @#$ @#$$ COMPANY? IN THEORY, I AM YOUR BOSS. SO, AS YOUR BOSS, GET ON THAT *@#$%^& PHONE AND GET ME SOME ANSWERS. NOW!

Don’t be silly. Didn’t you read the previous blog about Tombstone? They pack guns in this country. We walked out when the manager refused to call the head office. But I wish. How I wish! 


Shelley and John