Up with Twinkies Down With Potato Salad and Fried Bologna

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If I had a say, I would find a way to save the Twinkie, an American Icon, and get rid of gross foods, like 

potato salad (Barf) and

 fried bologna (Double, triple Barf).

I'll admit, to the best of my knowledge, I have never eaten a Twinkie, but I have eaten my fair share of potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). And common sense dictates that a vanilla cake wrapped around icing easily trumps boiled potatoes covered in mayo and oily oversized cut up hot dogs. My opinion was formed at an early age. My mother wasn't too big on desserts. Unfortunately, she was real big on potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). 

Mom: I'm going to the living room to watch TV. When I come back, there'd better be nothing left on your plates. 

Shannon, Shelley, Shenley and Stephen

My 7 year old sister, Shannon:...
6 year old Shelley, (me):...
My 3 year old brother, Stephen:...
My 1 year old brother,  Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Shannon: I'm not eating potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). That's because I have a plan. Stephen, you go stand guard by the door. If you see her coming, yell, "Hi mommy!" 

Shelley, help me with these plates. We're flushing everything down the toilet. Everyone agree?

Shelley:...

Stephen:...

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Shannon: Suit yourself. I'll do it myself. 
Shelley:...

Stephen:...

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Shannon: What's wrong with you guys? Maybe you won't do it because you love potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). Or is it because you are chicken?? Hmmm?

Shelley: That's not true. I hate potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). It makes me want to throw up just looking at it.

Stephen: Me too. I can shoot her with my gun.
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon: No shooting. Just yell. Let's go. Hurry. (flush) That's one... (flush) That's two... (flush) That's three... (flush) That's four. Done. Come on! Back to your seats! Sit down. Shhhhh!!!! Here she comes.

Mom: Finished already? Awwww, you guys, you even licked your plates clean. Thank you for eating all of your supper. And for once, without a fuss. Does any one want seconds?

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: Nooo! We mean, no thank you mommy. We're full.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: Because you did as you were told, without any drama, you get to stay up late to watch "Star Trek." 

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen:  "Star Trek???" Yayyyyyy!!!!! Thank you mommy. We love you.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: Don't worry about the dishes. I'll do them later.

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: You'll do them later? Yayyyyyy!!!!! Thank you mommy. You're the best.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: OK. Bedtime. When daddy gets home, I'm going to tell him how you ate all of your supper tonight.

He's going to be so proud of you. 

Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Love you.

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: Ha! Ha! Love you too, mommy.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Shelley, Stephen, Shannon

Mom: Shhh..!!! Stt...!! Shhh!!! Stt...!! One of you!  God Damn it!

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: !!!!

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: Shannon! Shelley! Get your asses down here. NOW!

Shelley and Shannon: !!!!!!!!!!!

Stephen: !

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: I SAID, NOW!

Shelley and Shannon: IT WAS HER IDEA!!!! 

Mom:  Next time you flush potato salad and fried bologna down the toilet, make sure you cut it up into really really small pieces. Now reach in there and get it out! All of it.
Shelley and Shannon: But there's...
Mom: Now!

I'm positive Twinkies would have dissolved into flushable goo long before my mother flushed. 

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Shelley and John

PS: Based on a true story.
PPS: Thanks Freda for the Twinkie pic.

Hey Floridians! We're not Going to Take it!

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Shelley: There's one. Right there.

John: See it.

HONK!!!!!

Shelley: F@@@@#####$$$$$$ OFFFFF!!!! 

John: F@@@@#####$$$$$$ YOUUUUUU!!!! Why don't you get off your F@#$ing cell phone? That's illegal, you know!

Shelley: Watch this. I'm going to stare her down in the rear view mirror. 

Yah! How's that working for you? Bet you wished you could take your honk back now. Whhhhaat? I showed her, right, John?

John: You sure did, baby.

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!! 

Shelley: Are you kidding me? 

John: For F@#$"s sake. Do you want me to drive over top this guy? He's trying to back out??? 

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!! 

Shelley: Really? Do you think you can do this any quicker? Huh? 

John: HUH!!???

Shelley: HUH!!???

HAAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley: That’s it. I've had enough. I’m going to get out of this car and give her a piece of my mind.

John: (Flips woman off as she speeds by.) Too late. You missed your chance.

Shelley: Can you believe how rude these drivers are? And to think I thought Californian drivers were bad. http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2011/11/fear.html

John: I know. You don’t turn fast enough, 

HONK!!!!! 

You stop at a pedestrian crossing,

HONK!!!!!  

You let someone in, 

HONK!!!!!  

You don’t tailgate at 70 miles per hour,

HONK!!!!!

You don't hit the biker fast enough, 

Shelley and John: HONK!!!!!

Shelley: Hey. There she is waiting by the elevator. Ha! All that honking for nothing. Ha! Ha! Serves her right. Watch this.

 Hey! HEY! HEY! You!  THAT’S RIGHT. I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!!! BEEATCH!!!

John: Take that Floridian!

Shelley: Wait. Is that a word? 

John: Not important. What is important is that we Smiths are no longer intimidated by these crazy ass honkers. We will not cower in our car quivering with stress when some impatient Floridian honks at us. 
Shelley: Hey Florida! 

Shelley and John: We're not going to take it! Arrrrrghhhhh!

Shelley:...

John:...

Shelley: (Whispers) What’s happening to us?

Shelley and John

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What Brad Pitt is Really Saying in his CHANEL No. 5 Commercial

Dear World,

It has come to our attention that certain individuals (SNL, Jay Leno, plus countless others, have been spoofing, ridiculing Brad Pitt’s recently premiered Chanel #5’s commercial. We believe if we explain his dialogue, line for line, it will end the mean spirited mockery.

"It's not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns, and we turn with it. Plans disappear, dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck. My fate. My fortune. Chanel No. 5. Inevitable."

It’s not a journey

Chanel #5 is not a trip

every journey ends,

Perfumes die a quick death; such as Katy Perry’s Purr, Nicole Polizzi’s Snooki, to name a couple,

but 

but

we go on.

Chanel #5 and I (Brad,) both icons, will persevere with this ad campaign despite what the world thinks, says, etc.

The world turns

I (Brad) am referencing  “As The World Turns” an American soap opera that ended in 2010, but was picked up by syndication, somewhere

and

and 

we turn with it.

Chanel #5 and I (Brad) are now in your stores, magazines, posters, bill boards, youtube,TV...

Plans disappear.

I (Brad) left one of America’s most beloved actresses 

and hooked up with a bad Ass woman, adopted, fathered kid after kid, 

Dreams take over.

Dreams about being single, doing whatever you want, whenever you want, like this commercial,

But 

But

wherever I go,

wherever I (Brad) go, America, Europe, Cambodia, Africa, South America, basically where Angeline tells me, 

there you are.

there you are, money.

My luck.

Have been a little down on my luck because I (Brad) haven’t really done anything since, “Moneyball.” Fingers crossed  “World War Z” is not a sleeper. 

My fate.

Making this 30 second ad for...

My fortune. 

7 million and there’s more in the pipe. Boo Yah!

Chanel No. 5

A gross old lady perfume. Even Cougars wouldn’t touch this stuff. 

Inevitable.

Brad Pitt.

There you are,

Team Brad Pitt

PS: This message was approved by Brad Pitt.

Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #11 Flirt Shamelessly With Each Other

Shelley, Sister, Shannon, Mom and Dad, Brothers, Steve and Shenley

Mom and Dad

On the fourth night of my parents’ 50th Anniversary cruise to the Bahamas, my family gathered in a private room to officially celebrate their marriage. John and I performed the following skit in their honour.

Shelley: All of you have heard how mom was hired by dad, the Controller for Ford Dealership Motors in Calgary, as a temp. You know that when mom first laid eyes on dad, she turned to the other receptionist and declared, “He’s mine.” But, I bet none of you, including mom and dad, know how mom actually put her battle plan, AKA “The Blitz.” into action. Her first strike took place at a staff function bowling party. Get it?

Mom: (” Breathless, I’ve just rushed over, slightly in a panic” voice.) Hi. I’ve been watching you bowl from five lanes over. 

Dad: (“Genuinely surprised” voice.) Me? From five lanes over? Really?

Mom: (“Whoops, maybe I should have thought this over” voice.)Yes. And I have a few tips that will improve your bowling. 
Dad: (“High, incredulous, are you kidding me?” voice.) I need a few tips? 

Mom: (“Oh what the Hell!” voice.) Yes you do.

Dad: (“High, incredulous, are you kidding me? But a higher octave” voice.) But I just bowled three strikes in a... 

Mom: (“Distracted, sort of paying attention” voice.) What was that? 

Dad: (“Deep, low tone do not give me advice” voice.) But I just bowled...

Mom: (“Disappointed” voice) You’re not one of those men who can’t take advice from a woman, are you? 

Dad: (“I am shocked and offended that you would say that” voice.) What? No. I am always open to advice.I was just saying that...

Mom:...

Dad: (“... Oh! Now I get it” voice.) Let’s start again. What’s your name?

Mom: (“Pull out all of the stops full on flirty” voice.) Alex. Alex Stirton. You hired me as a temp. We have met you know. 

Dad: (“Pull out all the stops, full on flirty“Elvis Presley” voice.) So we have. Alex. Hmmmm.... I’m really sorry but I don’t like the name Alex... It’s too masculine. And you are definitely not masculine. I think Val suits you better. Don’t you, Val?

Mom: (“Desperately attempting the “Your wish is my command”for the first and only time in her life" voice.) If you think Val suits me, then so do I. Val it is.

Dad: (“Full on confident and charming, because I just got my own way” voice.) How refreshing. A woman who doesn’t challenge everything I say. 

Mom:...

Dad: (“Back to business” voice) So Val, what tips do you have in mind?

Mom: (“Attempting to disguise the 'Christ, I have no idea I’ve never bowled before' panic” voice.) Well, first of all, you should take three steps before you release. 

Dad: (“I am humouring you” voice) Four is too many?

Mom: (“Rising in confidence, absolutely oblivious to the ‘I am humouring you,' voice” voice. ) Absolutely.  And when you release, you should aim for one of those arrows so the ball goes straight.

Dad: (“Still humouring you” voice.) So, straight is best. Don’t try to curl the ball?

Mom: (“Almost there” voice.) Never. 

Dad: (“Time to wrap this up” voice.) And?

Mom: (“Going for it, even though I have no idea what the Hell the next part means” voice.) Follow through. Yes. Definitely you should follow through. Why don’t you give it a try? 

Dad: (“Returning to the very very deep, thank you, but I’ll do it my way” voice.) Thank you, Val. But, before I make these changes, why don’t I try bowling a couple my old way? Just for fun? 

Mom: (“Oh Shit” voice.) Sure... Of course... (More of the, “Oh Shit” voice) Oh! Look at that. Strike...  Aaaaannnnnd... Another strike... (And even more of the “Oh Shit” voice) OK...

Dad:...

Mom:...

Dad: (“Be nice. She does have legs that go all the way up to... ROY!!!  And you’ve got to admit, it’s pretty ballsy to approach her new boss packing advice on how to bowl when it is incredibly obvious she hasn’t bowled before tonight. I bet Shannon and Shelley will love her, and Val them, especially Shelley” voice.) Can I give you a ride home, Val?

Shelley and John: (“Celebratory” voices.) And the rest is history!

Shelley and John

Just go the F@#$ to Sleep

My husband, John: Hey. How’re you doing?

Shelley: Mwahhhhoaahhhhh! Can you believe this? On the first night I’m in bed by 6:30? Blechhh... I’m so sea sick. Can you please clean the toilet for me? I hate throwing up in a dirty toilet.

John: Yes my little princess. Even in sickness we must maintain your standards.

Shelley: That’s right. In sickness and in health. Oahhhmuahhhwahhhhoaahhhhh!! God, I’m soooo sick.

John: What the? Did you feel that?

Shelley: I feel everything. That’s why I’m sea sick.

John: But it’s getting worse. 

Shelley: It’s not. We’re fine. Why don’t you read? It will take your mind off the...

John: Oh my God! My book just slid across the bed. Did you see that? Shelley? SHELLEY?

Shelley: John leave me alone. Go find the rest of the family and scare them. Please.

John: Everyone has gone to bed. That’s why I’m back.

Shelley: Then go out on the balcony and be scared.

John: I can’t. I’m too scared. When I found out the Captain was Italian, I knew we were in trouble.

Shelley: John. Please stop. We’re fine. Why don’t you try to sleep.

John: Whoahhhh!!! It’s getting worse. This ship is going to flip over. It’s only a matter of time before we die. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! SHELLEY!!

Shelley: This boat is not going to flip over. We are not going to die. Holy Christ!! Why are you always convinced that we are always going to die wherever we go? Oh God. Can’t you let me be sick in peace? Go to sleep.

John: I can’t help it if I worry. I worry for both of us you know.

Shelley: I know and believe me I love you for it. But for now, can you please go to sleep.

John: Sleep? SLEEP? How can I go to sleep when the ship is starting to sink. 

Shelley: GO. TO. SLEEP.

John: Gahhhhhh! That’s it. Shelley! Get out of bed. We are going to the life boat stations. We are getting in those life boats. It’s our only chance! Come on! 

Shelley: Ahhhmuahhhwahhhhoaahhhhh!!! I’m not going. You go.

John: Jesus Christ Shelley! I am not kidding. I won’t leave you. Get up. Get up now. Here. Let me help you.

Shelley: Don’t you dare move me! I’m too sick. Besides, have you seen the size of the people on this ship. We don’t stand a chance.

John: Exactly. So, if we go now, we’re guaranteed a spot on a life boat.

Shelley: We? I believe it’s women and children first. 

John: OK. Forget the lifeboats. We’ll jump into the ocean, like in “The Titanic.”

Shelley: The movie, “The Titanic?” Fine. But, if we are going to reenact that movie, don’t forget that I am not going to share my door with you. 

John: You wouldn’t share your door with me? You’d let me slowly slip away and drown from hyperthermia? When I’m trying to save you from certain death and...

Shelley: Oh for F@#$’s sake!!! Here! 

Now “Just Go the F@#$ to Sleep!” Please.

And that's how we spent the first night of a five night cruise to the Bahamas. We were meant to be celebrating my parents 50th wedding anniversary.

Shelley and John