Have The Roswell Aliens Abducted my Husband?

I am not surprised that after we visited Roswell, New Mexico, the following conversation took place.

John: Right. I’ve listened to enough radio talk shows. I am now more than qualified to host my own. 

Shelley: Mmmhmmm. That’s nice.

John: Are you listening? I am going to start my own radio show. You know, the kind where people phone in and ask questions. 

Shelley: Maybe you should talk to Ashly first, or study her podcasts from her show.

John: Jesus Christ, Shelley. Have some faith. It’s not like I’m going to go on air without getting some experience. I know I need to practice. In fact, let’s do it now. Go.

Shelley: Now?

John: Now.

Shelley: OK. Hello. Is this John Smith?

John: No. First you have to phone me.

Shelley: That’s kind of silly.

John: It’s only silly because I thought of it. You’ve got your blog. Now I’ve got my show. If you want to help me with my show, like I help you with your blog, call 1-800 - CALL- JOHN.

Shelley: Heh! Heh! It’s kind of like I am calling a porn number. Are you some kind of wierdo? 

John: ..........

Shelley: OK. OK. 1-800 - CALL- JOHN

John: Hello. John here. What's your question?

Shelley:.....S@#$. I don’t have one. I wasn’t expecting to be the first caller. Can you put me on hold while I think of one?

John: Ask me about red cars.

Shelley: What about red cars?

John: No. Ask me what “is it” about red cars. Start again.

Shelley: 1-800 - CALL- JOHN

John: Shelley. Don’t be such a .......! You know that you’re already on air.
Shelley: Is this for real? Am I really in the middle of nowhere, in a truck, with my husband, who believes he’s on the radio, live, hosting his own talk show?

John:................

Shelley: Fine. What "is it" about red cars?

John: No. Ask me why police stop more red cars than cars of any other colour?

Shelley: John, why do police stop more red cars than cars of any other colour?

John: 72.5% of the cars stopped by police are red.

Shelley: One - you made that stat. up. Two - you didn’t answer the question that "you" made me ask. 

John: You can’t challenge my stats. It’s an official John Smith stat. 

Shelley: What a load of rubbish. How about “you” answering your question?

John:.........

Shelley: Wait a sec. You don’t know the answer. 

John: I do. However, you’re such a rude caller, that I’ve decided to end this call. Good bye. Next caller, please.

Shelley: Aha! Now I know what’s happening here. You used Shelley’s story, but forgot how it ended. Right?

John...........

Shelley: Seriously! Seriously? Ah, Jesus! 1-800- CALL- JOHN!!!!!!!

John: Hello. John here. Go ahead, ask your question. 

Shelley: Hello. I think my husband was abducted by aliens. He's been acting really differently. What can....

John: Whoops! I am so sorry. Seems like we lost that irritating caller. 

Shelley: You can’t do that. 

John: Actually I can. You know why, because it’s the “John Smith Can Do Anything He Wants Show.” Next Caller Please.

Shelley and John

PS: Ashly, my talented, beautiful new daughter-in-law has her own "real" radio show. Look her up on: http://whatpinksoundslike.com/2012/02/20/what-pink-sounds-like-new-time-new-day/

How To Stay Happily Married Tip # 3 Stay Calm While Paddling Together

We've kayaked the Colorado and the Guadalupe Rivers. But those experiences don't come close to our recent outing on the San Marcos in Texas.

Four weeks ago, substantial flooding caused large trees to fall and partially block sections of the San Marcos river. Luckily, for the  first few miles, we successfully managed to maneuver around them, but it was only a matter of time when...

Shelley and John:..... Paddle! Paddle!
John: Oh! S#@t!! The current's spinning us backwards.
Shelley and John: OH NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Shelley: HANG ON! I THINK WE'LL BE OK! JUST GO OVER IT BACKWARDS!! AHHHHH!!! WE'RE TURNING SIDEWAYS!!!
John: OH MY GOD!!!! MY KAYAK'S STUCK UNDER YOURS!! IT'S FILLING WITH WATER!! I'M GOING TO FLIP! I'M GOING TO...  AAHHHH!!! (DISAPPEARS.... THEN EXPLODES OUT OF THE WATER)
Shelley: JOHN!!! ARE YOU OK?!?
John: (Now standing, waist deep, jammed against a log)Yes!! I'm OK. Are you OK? ACHH!!! THE SKIRT'S GONE. SORRY SHENLEY! S@#T!!! THE KAYAK'S HALFWAY UNDER THIS FALLEN TREE... IT'S STUCK... Euhhhh.... I can feel stuff floating by my legs. Hang on, I'm going to put my water shoes on and push the kayak all the way under the log. I'm OK. Go ahead. I'll meet you on the river bank...

The Offending Tree

Shelley: Wow! That was pretty scary. John, I  really admire  how you calm you were. Really, I'm so impressed how you held it together.
John: Ah thanks Shelley. Never forget that John Smith did not flinch when he looked death in the eye.
Shelley: (Whispering) Speaking of death. Look... in the trees, shrubs and river banks. Oh my God. They're everywhere.

John: There's hundreds of them.
Shelley: Look how they're staring at us with their beady, black eyes. It's like we are in Alfred  Hitchcock's "The Birds," except those are not gulls. They're vultures, the biggest, ugliest, grossest birds ever. Remember in the movie, how hundreds and hundreds of birds perched everywhere, resting, before their next attack? It's just like that. Isn't it?

John: Jesus Christ, Shelley! My life just flashed before my eyes and now you are trying to freak me out.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! I'm joking. Vultures only eat dead things. Maybe they're just waiting to scavenge what gets caught under submerged tree trunks.

John: Not funny. Too soon. That's it. I'm getting out and walking.
Shelley: What? No! Are you crazy? Why?
John: They're too close. I don't like the way they're staring at me. Come on.
Shelley: No. That is not going to happen. You can. But, a better idea would be to ignore them and take a picture.
John: Are "you" crazy?
Shelley: Come on, John. Just take a picture. Otherwise no one will believe us.

ask.com

800 × 1141 - Turkey Vulture | Ask.com Encyclopedia

John: Fine. I'll take a picture. But, you need to know that I am not comfortable doing this. (Takes a few pictures, puts the camera away)
Shelley: Thanks. OK, let's paddle as quietly as....
John: HEY! WOOAAHHH! SCRAMMMM!!!!!!!!! YAIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Shelley: WHAT THE??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING????
John: I told you I didn't like how they are staring at me, watching my every move. So, I'm trying to scare them.
Shelley: (Back to whispering) Mission accomplished. Jesus. Now they're scared AND circling us. They're so close, I can hear their wings flapping. That's it. I'm out of here. (Starts to paddle)
John: (Whispering) OK. OK. Stop. Wait. I won't yell again. How about this? Let's just float, without paddling, past them. We'll be so quiet and still, they'll forget we are here.
Shelley: (Still whispering) Or they'll think we're dead, and start swooping down to tear chunks of flesh off of us.

Shelley and John:........ Paddle! Paddle!

Shelley and John

What is it About Bodily Functions?

Lousiana's I 10 is built on cement pylons over swamp.

Isn't it interesting how bodily functions are either highly offensive or highly entertaining? For example, on the way back from Louisiana......

Shelley: Oh! My! God!!! John!!!! You stink! Gak! Gak! GaK!
John: It wasn't me.
Shelley: BS. Can you at least roll down the window before you do that?
John: It wasn't me.
Shelley: That is so not true. Would you have done "that" if we were on our first date?
John: It wasn't me and we're not on our first date.
Shelley: Would you have at least rolled down the window, if we were on our first date?
John: It wasn't me. But if it was me on our first date, I would have.
Shelley: If it wasn't you, why did you lean to one side?
John: It wasn't me. I leaned to one side so I could see out the window. Why don't you look out the window? Can you see those oil refineries? Did you stop to think that it could be them?

Shelley: It wasn't. It was you. Admit it.
John: Maybe it was you.
Shelley: Not a chance. Besides, "I" don't stink.

John: Ohhhhh I forgot. You're perfect! Speaking of perfect, remember Jim's story of the "perfect monster poop?"
Shelley: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, but tell it again.
John: Picture Jim teaching his Social Studies class, when another teacher knocks on his door. He tells Jim to go to the men's toilets. Right away. Although Jim says he's teaching, the other teacher pushes Jim out the door.
Shelley: When Jim reaches the men's room, he opens the cubicle door and sees a sheet of paper taped above the toilet. It says...
Shelley and John:"Do not flush! Possible world record!"
John: Curious, he opens the lid, looks inside, and there it is....the most "perfect monster poop" coiled round and round filling the entire bowl.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: He didn't flush, right?
John: Are you kidding? He knocked on the next teacher's door.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Imagine what would have happened if the students found out.
John: Or the Principal.
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Promise me you'll open the window next time.
John:..... Jesus Christ Shelley!

Shelley and John

Internet Connection Down? Call the IT Experts!

My sister-in law's internet went down. When this happens, the neighbourhood's goes down too. So, Shelley phoned her IT company to check.

IT Expert #1: (Perky) Hello. This is Karen. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Shelley: Hi. My name's Shelley and I'm calling to check if the internet's down in the neighbourhood.
IT Expert #1: One second, Shelley. No.
Shelley: Arghhh!
IT Expert #1: I can appreciate your frustration. Hang in there, as an IT expert, I can help you. Is your TV working?
Shelley: Yes.
IT Expert #1:Phone?
Shelley: Yes.
IT Expert #1: What kind of modem do you have?
Shelley: ____
IT Expert #1: Try plugging the modem directly into the computer.
Shelley:.........No... It still doesn't work.
IT Expert #1: Hmmmmmm.......Try running the following programs.

Shelley: .......... No.... It still doesn't work.

IT Expert #1: Hmmmm....... Are the lights on in the modem box?

Shelley: Yes. But one's flashing.
IT Expert #1: That's the D link. Don't worry about the D link. The other ones are the important ones. ......hmmmmm......hmmmmm...... Shelley, I'm sorry, that's all I can do for you. I'm going to patch you through to IT Expert #2. Thank you for choosing us. We are available 24/7. Have a nice day.

IT Expert #2: Hello. This is Billy. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Shelley: Hi. My name's Shelley. My internet isn't working.
IT Expert #2: (Snippily) Repeat your name.
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Put your mouth next to the phone. I can't hear you.
Shelley: SHELLEY!
IT Expert #2: (Impatiently) You're yelling now?!?!
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Kelly. How can I help you?
Shelley: Shelley.
IT Expert #2: Shirley, the most important thing is the D link. Is the D link light flashing?
Shelley: Shelley..... But the IT Expert #1 said not to worry about it.
IT Expert #2: (Haughtily) Did she now? (Goes through the exact same procedure as IT Expert #1) .....hmmmmm......hmmmmm...... Michelle, that's all I can do for you. I'm going to give you the phone number to IT Expert #3. Thank you for choosing us. We are available 24/7. Have a nice day.

Shelley: Arghhhh! I just wasted an hour of my life....... I know this probably won't work, but....before I phone IT Expert #3......... I'm just going to unplug everything..... count to twenty.......... and........ plug it all back in........just to check if.......shit.

Why Alligators Won't eat Ex-wives

I thought I would share more of our experience with swamp tour guide extraordinaire, Laurence Joseph, (Guess what his pa's name is?) self proclaimed coon-ass.

First his joke.
Opelousas comes up to Thibideaux and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"
Thibideaux replies, "Give me the good new first."
Opelousas says, "The good news is that you have twenty four hours to live."
Thibideaux cries out, "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"
Opelousas responds, "I forgot to tell you yesterday."

Laurence's explanation of Lousiana's gun laws.

Why alligators won't eat Laurence's ex-wife.

We tipped him $20.
If you ever head south, here is their site:
http://munsonswamptours.com/

Shelley and John

"Car Talk" Presented by Shelley and Shelley

Did you know that Mardi Gras is celebrated outside of Lousiana? Neither did we, until last night, when Steve and Shelley took us to a Mardi Gras parade in Gavelston. While we waited, Steve showed John and our "new" Texan friends a game where you have to push a bottle forward while balancing on one hand.

On the way home, the conversation turned to golf carts.
Steve: I still can't figure out why the lights on my golf cart won't work.
Shelley Smith: I remember, while in elementary school, attaching wires from a battery to a light. If the light didn't work, it was because the wires were attached backwards. Could it be that?
Steve: No. I checked. But thanks. I didn't know you knew so much about cars and trucks. In fact, years ago, you phoned home, because the oldsmobile had broken down. Dad and I couldn't believe it when you said you had already checked the muffler, so that wasn't the problem. We tried to think of other ridiculous stuff for you to check next, like the radio, or the tires or water in the radiator.
John: Shelley told me that story. Didn't she call it the "muff?"

Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley Smith: But, I've come a long way since then. Now I know a whole lot about trucks. For instance, we have a 2007 GMC, 6 gear, 2500 Duramax, shortbox truck.
Steve: Wow. That's impressive. So, how many cylinders does your truck have?
Shelley Smith: Definitely eight. But to be honest, I'm not really sure what a cylinder is.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
What Steve and John said: Well, a cylinder is just like a.....
What Shelley and Shelley heard: Moohwaahh...waahhhhhh mowahhh......wahhhhh.....

Steve: John, listen to this. Shelley Orr, how many cylinders does your car have?
Shelley Orr:....Eight?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:..... Six?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:.... Five?
Steve: No.
Shelley Orr:.......Four?
Steve: Yes!
Shelley Smith: Well done. Excellent strategy by starting high. It left you room for more guesses.
Shelley Orr: Why thank you.
Shelley Smith: In fact, you could add that to your list of talents. Although, it's not nearly as impressive as your super talent of being able to consume a vat of wine, then get up early the next morning, for a huge run.
Shelley Orr: (Modestly) True. True.
Everyone: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Steve: OK, smart asses, how many cylinders does a golf cart have?

Shelley and Shelley: (Turning to each other)...............
Shelley Orr: What do you think?
Shelley Smith: Not sure. But I did see six batteries.
Shelley Orr: I don't think batteries have cylinders. Do you?
Shelley Smith: Hmmm. I don't know, because I still don't understand what they are. But, perhaps you're right. What about pistons? Does "pistons" sound right to you?
Shelley Orr: Pistons?.....Maybe....
Shelley and Shelley: Wait a second. Steve, are you trying to trick us?
Steve:.........
Shelley and Shelley: Golf carts don't have cylinders. They have six batteries that power six pistons. There. That's our answer! We are so awesome!
Shelley Smith: Shelley! I have an idea. We should start our own "Car Talk" radio show. You know, where people phone in and ask us how to fix their cars.
Shelley Orr: Definitely.
Steve: Just promise me neither one of you will touch my golf cart.

Shelley and John

How to Escape an Alligator Attack

After four great days in Lousiana, we are back in Texas. Before we left, we were worried about being able to understand the Lousiana accent. Surprisingly, there weren't any problems for us, but few Louisianians could understand John. 

Here's what typically happened when John spoke.

Cute Server: (Big, big smile) Hello! My name is Suzy. How can I help y'all?

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server:(Smile falters)Pardon me, sir.

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server: (Smile is back, with giggles) I’m sorry, sir. Can you repeat that?

John: I’ll have a medium latte, please.

Cute Server:(more giggles)...............

John: And my wife would like a hot chocolate.

Cute Server: (And more giggles) Oh gosh. I'm not sure what's come over me. Did you say moccha? 

John: No. I said hot chocolate. 

Cute Server: (And even more giggles)........I'm very sorry sir. We don't have that.

John: Yes you do. It’s written right there on the wall.

Cute Server: (Turns to her co-worker, whispers) Can you understand him?(Co-worker shrugs, both laugh)

Shelley: You can‘t understand him, can you?

Cute Server and co-worker: (Laugh harder) No m'am. Where y'all from?

John: England

Cute server and co-worker:(Look at each other and resume laughing).......

John: London, England.

Cute server: (Turning to me) M'am, do you know what he's saying? 

Shelley: I have no idea. I’m not with him. But this is what I would like...

John: Jesus Christ Shelley.Thanks a lot.

Language aside, we had a great time, especially in "The French Quarter" in New Orleans.

And of course, you can’t leave Lousiana without taking a swamp tour. Although all of the large, (up to 200 year old, 17 foot) alligators were hibernating for winter(darn), 2 small ones made an appearance. Our tour guide, Laurence Joseph, entertained us for two hours sharing stories, information, opinions and advice. We now know how the Saints ended up winning the Super Bowl, that raccoons don’t have saliva glands, how vultures are beauuutiful and necessary and how to survive without food and water in a swamp. 

 

However, without a doubt"the" most important advice LJ gave us was how to escape an alligator attack. 

We will definitely be back.

Shelley and John