Wednesday, December 12, 2012

No More SAD for Me


I didn't realize how much an entire week, (that's seven entire days, in a row) of rain, wind, cold and early dark) had affected me, until the sun came out. It had been so long, that I almost didn't recognize it. Kidding. But once I did...
However, I am not kidding when I tell you that during that endless
week of dullness, I was definitely exhibiting all of the following symptoms of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
Feeling sad, grumpy, moody, or anxious
My husband, John: Are you crying?
Shelley: No. Maybe.
John: Why are you crying?
Shelley: It's this commercial. This company has done so much for the people.
John: Honda?
Shelley: Yes. Shhhhh.... The next one's on. Ahhh! How sad is that?
John: Are you OK?
Shelley: Of course. Why do you ask?
John: Well, it's just that...
Shelley: I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. Today I just feel like crying.
John:...
Shelley:  You do think there's something wrong with me. Don't you? Go ahead, just say it. Say, "Shelley, I think there's something wrong with you."
John:...
Shelley: Arghhhhh! What is wrong with me?
John:...
Shelley: I know what it is. It's the weather. It's getting to me. It's wearing me down. Chip. Chip. Chip. We can't even go for a walk without fear of drowning. Just look outside. Oh no, I'm sorry. You can't. You know why you can't? Because the rain is pelting the windows so hard, you can't see through them. And, even if  it wasn't raining, it doesn't matter. Want to know why?  I'll tell you why. Because it's  turned pitch black at 4:00.  Holy S!@$!! I've got to get out of here. Leave Vancouver Island before I really lose it. Are you coming with me?
John:...
Lose interest in your usual activities
John: Want to go for a run?
Shelley: You're kidding, right?
John: OK. No run. Let's wrap up in rain gear and go for a walk. At least we'll get outside.
Shelley: No.
John: Want to do an "Insanity" workout?
Shelley: God. No.
John: Weights?
Shelley: No.
John: Squash?
Shelley: No.
John: Watch TV?
Shelley: No.
John: "Paranormal 3?"
Shelley: I'm experiencing my own "Paranormal 3." F@#%$!
John: So sex is definitely out of the question?
Sleep more and feel drowsy during the daytime.
Shelley: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
John: Shelley you need to get up. It's after 10:00.
Shelley: 1:00. Time for a nap.
John: But you never nap.
Shelley: I do now.
Eat more and crave carbohydrates, such as bread and pasta
John: Hey! What are you doing? Didn't we just eat?
Shelley: That was over 10 minutes ago. I'm starving.
John:...
Gain weight
Shelley: Blechhhh.... I feel like I've turned into one gargantuan overcooked spaghetti noodle. Euuhhhhh... I hate my body. I should work out, or stop eating so much.... That's it. Enough of this moaning about the weather. There's nothing I can do about it. I need to accept it and get off my A$$... Not at this very instant, mind you. That's silly talk. First thing tomorrow.
John:...
Scary, right? Not to worry. Next time the "weather" hits, I'll be prepared.
Shelley and John
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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Up with Twinkies Down With Potato Salad and Fried Bologna

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If I had a say, I would find a way to save the Twinkie, an American Icon, and get rid of gross foods, like 
potato salad (Barf) and
 fried bologna (Double, triple Barf).
I'll admit, to the best of my knowledge, I have never eaten a Twinkie, but I have eaten my fair share of potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). And common sense dictates that a vanilla cake wrapped around icing easily trumps boiled potatoes covered in mayo and oily oversized cut up hot dogs. My opinion was formed at an early age. My mother wasn't too big on desserts. Unfortunately, she was real big on potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). 

Mom: I'm going to the living room to watch TV. When I come back, there'd better be nothing left on your plates. 
Shannon, Shelley, Shenley and Stephen
My 7 year old sister, Shannon:...
6 year old Shelley, (me):...
My 3 year old brother, Stephen:...
My 1 year old brother,  Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Shannon: I'm not eating potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). That's because I have a plan. Stephen, you go stand guard by the door. If you see her coming, yell, "Hi mommy!" 
Shelley, help me with these plates. We're flushing everything down the toilet. Everyone agree?
Shelley:...
Stephen:...
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Shannon: Suit yourself. I'll do it myself. 
Shelley:...
Stephen:...
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Shannon: What's wrong with you guys? Maybe you won't do it because you love potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). Or is it because you are chicken?? Hmmm?
Shelley: That's not true. I hate potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). It makes me want to throw up just looking at it.
Stephen: Me too. I can shoot her with my gun.
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Shannon: No shooting. Just yell. Let's go. Hurry. (flush) That's one... (flush) That's two... (flush) That's three... (flush) That's four. Done. Come on! Back to your seats! Sit down. Shhhhh!!!! Here she comes.
Mom: Finished already? Awwww, you guys, you even licked your plates clean. Thank you for eating all of your supper. And for once, without a fuss. Does any one want seconds?
Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: Nooo! We mean, no thank you mommy. We're full.
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Mom: Because you did as you were told, without any drama, you get to stay up late to watch "Star Trek." 
Shannon, Shelley, Stephen:  "Star Trek???" Yayyyyyy!!!!! Thank you mommy. We love you.
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Mom: Don't worry about the dishes. I'll do them later.
Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: You'll do them later? Yayyyyyy!!!!! Thank you mommy. You're the best.
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: OK. Bedtime. When daddy gets home, I'm going to tell him how you ate all of your supper tonight.
He's going to be so proud of you. 
Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Love you.
Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: Ha! Ha! Love you too, mommy.
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Shelley, Stephen, Shannon
Mom: Shhh..!!! Stt...!! Shhh!!! Stt...!! One of you!  God Damn it!
Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: !!!!
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Mom: Shannon! Shelley! Get your asses down here. NOW!
Shelley and Shannon: !!!!!!!!!!!
Stephen: !
Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.
Mom: I SAID, NOW!
Shelley and Shannon: IT WAS HER IDEA!!!! 
Mom:  Next time you flush potato salad and fried bologna down the toilet, make sure you cut it up into really really small pieces. Now reach in there and get it out! All of it.
Shelley and Shannon: But there's...
Mom: Now!
I'm positive Twinkies would have dissolved into flushable goo long before my mother flushed. 


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Shelley and John
PS: Based on a true story.
PPS: Thanks Freda for the Twinkie pic.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Hey Floridians! We're not Going to Take it!


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Shelley: There's one. Right there.
John: See it.

HONK!!!!!

Shelley: F@@@@#####$$$$$$ OFFFFF!!!! 
John: F@@@@#####$$$$$$ YOUUUUUU!!!! Why don't you get off your F@#$ing cell phone? That's illegal, you know!
Shelley: Watch this. I'm going to stare her down in the rear view mirror. 

Yah! How's that working for you? Bet you wished you could take your honk back now. Whhhhaat? I showed her, right, John?
John: You sure did, baby.

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!! 

Shelley: Are you kidding me? 
John: For F@#$"s sake. Do you want me to drive over top this guy? He's trying to back out??? 

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!! 

Shelley: Really? Do you think you can do this any quicker? Huh? 
John: HUH!!???
Shelley: HUH!!???

HAAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley: That’s it. I've had enough. I’m going to get out of this car and give her a piece of my mind.
John: (Flips woman off as she speeds by.) Too late. You missed your chance.
Shelley: Can you believe how rude these drivers are? And to think I thought Californian drivers were bad. http://honeydidyouseethat.blogspot.ca/2011/11/fear.html
John: I know. You don’t turn fast enough, 
HONK!!!!! 
You stop at a pedestrian crossing,
HONK!!!!!  
You let someone in, 
HONK!!!!!  
You don’t tailgate at 70 miles per hour,
HONK!!!!!
You don't hit the biker fast enough, 


Shelley and John: HONK!!!!!
Shelley: Hey. There she is waiting by the elevator. Ha! All that honking for nothing. Ha! Ha! Serves her right. Watch this.

 Hey! HEY! HEY! You!  THAT’S RIGHT. I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!!! BEEATCH!!!
John: Take that Floridian!
Shelley: Wait. Is that a word? 
John: Not important. What is important is that we Smiths are no longer intimidated by these crazy ass honkers. We will not cower in our car quivering with stress when some impatient Floridian honks at us. 
Shelley: Hey Florida! 
Shelley and John: We're not going to take it! Arrrrrghhhhh!
Shelley:...
John:...
Shelley: (Whispers) What’s happening to us?
Shelley and John

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