How to Stay Happily Married Tip #6 Be Patient

John wanted to be in Palm Springs. By noon. 
10:30
Shelley: Why don't we sort out my glasses first and then take care of the tires? It won't take long.
What John thinks: "That" is not true. But, she's a little rattled from working on the accounts this morning. Ahhh...
What John says: Great idea.
10:40
Shelley: Hi. I'm Shelley and I need a new pair of glasses. 
Lyndon: Hey. I'm Lyndon.  Do you want to put the new lenses in the old frames?
Shelley: Oh I wish but, I lost them. Just my luck that they were the expensive, progressive ones. 
What John thinks: Noooooo!!! She's going to chat. Please be a no nonsense, non-chatty, kind of salesman.
What John says: Hi.
Lyndon: That is some seriously bad luck. What happened? 
What John thinks: And here we go.

What John says: I'll just sit over here.

Shelley: Well, we were visiting the National White Sands Monument and the next thing I knew, they were gone. We tried to find them, but, (blah blah blah)......
Lyndon: I've never been to (blah blah blah)......
What John thinks: 

What John says: (Nothing. There's no point.)

10:50
Lyndon: Let me show you some frames.
Shelley: OK. But I'm going to warn you that I'm on a strict financial budget, so they can't be too pricey.
What John thinks: But apparently not on a strict time budget. 20 minutes and she hasn't even started. 
What John says: Don't rush. I'll just read this.

Shelley: John, what about these?

What John thinks: Nice.
What John says: Nice.
Shelley: Oh... I just don't know. These?

What John thinks: Also Nice?

What John says: Nice.

Shelley: Ummm. Just not sure. These?

What John thinks: Jesus Christ, Shelley. They all look the same. Just pick a pair and we can still be at the garage to get the new tires by 11:00.

What John says: Take your time. I don't want you to be unhappy with them.
11:00
Lyndon: Shelley, I know that you've tried on only black. But, some people like their glasses to be more neutral. Try these.

Shelley: Look at this hair. Do you really think I worry about being  neutral?
Shelley and Lyndon: Ha! Ha! Ha!

What John thinks: They're killing me.
What John says: I'll just get my book. 

11:10
Shelley: Oh Lyndon, I just can't make up my mind. What about something way out there? Just for fun.
Lyndon: I have just the thing. Wait here....
What John thinks: ( No. Dear. God. No.)
Shelley: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! You "have" to put a pair on with me. John, take our picture? Aren't these hysterical?
What John thinks: (*#$%ing hysterical)
What John says: Hysterical.

11:20
Shelley: I just don't know. Can I try on that first black pair again?
Lyndon: Of course. John, would you like some pistachios?
What John thinks: (Of course I would. It's lunchtime)
What John says: Thank you.
11:25
Shelley: It's down to the red or the black. Which ones?

What John thinks:(I don't care.)
What John says: The red. Definitely the red.
Shelley: It's settled then. I'll take the black ones.

11:30
Shelley: Wasn't that fun? 
What John thinks: Un@#%ing believably fun.
What John say: Wasn't it just?


Shelley and John

S#$% my Husband Thinks - While Rock Climbing

We've just finished a few days of climbing at Red Rock Canyon, (10 miles west of Las Vegas) and Joshua Tree. I know what John says while he climbs, but was curious to know what he thinks. He assured me that his thoughts rarely vary.....

What John thinks: (S#$% I don’t want to go up there. I don’t. If Shelley struggled, I’ll struggle even more.  Jesus Christ. It’s so high. At least 30 meters. Maybe she’ll want to go again. Then, hopefully, we'll run out of time.) 

What John says: Well done. 

Shelley: Thanks. Some of those bolts were at least four meters apart. Crazy Ass scary. 

What John thinks: (S#$%!)

Shelley: But the climb, itself, a 5.7, isn’t too bad. You just have to get used to the idea that it’s sandstone and can break off.

What John thinks:(S#$%!!) 

What John says: Go again, you climbing Goddess, you. 

Shelley: Ha. Don’t be silly. It’s your turn. 

What John thinks: (S#$%!!! I don’t want to do this.)

What John says: OK. But, if I say "I’m done." I’m done. I mean it. 

Shelley: Of course. Now, get up there, baby.

What John thinks:........ (OK. I’m off the ground. ...........S#$%!!!! My knot's undone! I’m going to slide off the end of the rope!)

What John says: My knot's undone. 

Shelley: That’s just the tail. Tie it up. Dai jo buh desu ka?

What John thinks: (Now I have to try to speak Japanese and get up this #@$@ing cliff too?) 

What John says: Dai jo buh desu. 

Shelley: ……... Wow John! You flew over that first half. Looking good. 

What John thinks: (I’ve run out of holds. My feet are too big. There’s nothing for my hands. I am going to fall! I am going to die! Tighten. Tighten! TIGHTEN!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!! HAVE YOU GOT ME???????) 

What John says: Tighten, please.

Shelley: Got you. On your left. There’s a big jug.

What John thinks: (That is not a big jug. THAT IS NOT A BIG JUG!!!!! WHAT THAT IS, IS S#$%!!!!! I WANT OFF !!!!!!!) 

What John says: No. Not working. Coming down. 

Shelley: V-sit.

Kid watching: What a wimp. 

What John thinks: (WHAT...A... LITTLE....SHIT!)

What John says: Hang on…..Let me try ….. S#$%!!!!!!!!!!! Pwuahhhh!  S#$%!!!!!!!!!!! Pwaahhhhssssshhhhh! Whew. Whew…..

Shelley: Yay! That was incredible. You’re almost there.

Follow the blue/green  line down to Shelley, the belayer.

What John thinks: (I shouldn’t have looked down. This climb, plus the 100 meters from the valley, makes ….. S@$%!!!!!! ) 

What John says: Coming down. 

Shelley: But there’s only about 5 meters left. Are you sure?

What John thinks: (Am I "sure? " I have never been more sure in my life. I DO NOT WANT TO FINISH. I DID NOT WANT TO START. JESUS CHRIST SHELLEY! I HATE HEIGHTS. FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS I HAVE HATED CLIMBING! !!!) 

What John says: Of course not. I’m joking. I want to finish. ….MADE IT!!!......First a picture to prove I made it...

Coming down.

Shelley: You were awesome!!!!!!!!
What John thinks: (I am awesome.)

What John says: I am awesome.

Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #5 Forgive

On the road to Las Vegas......

Shelley: Hmmm......

John: What? What?

Shelley: Nothing. Just listening.

John: For what? What's wrong? Tell me.

Shelley: I just told you. Just listening. Like always. Why are you panicking?
John: Ahhhh, the electric jack not working, the tire leaking. I just get unsettled if things don't go as they should when we pack up.

Shelley: We cranked the jacks by hand and just filled the tire. We're set.
John: I know you're right. But, I don't have a good feeling. Last time I didn't have a good feeling, I forgot to connect the electricity to the fifth wheel. We ended up dragging the plug through six lanes of traffic without signal lights or brakes. God.

Shelley: We're fine. 

John: .......Was that the wind? How bad do you think it is? 
Do you want me to drive?

Shelley: Holy Christ. Relax.

John: WHY ARE YOU CHECKING THE REAR VIEW MIRROR???????? 
Shelley: FOR TRAFFIC!!!!! JESUS!!!! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN. YOU'RE SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF ME!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????
John: I can't help it if I'm safety conscious. 
Shelley: Stop! .......Please. You're freaking me out.
John: Sorry. Sorry. I won't do it any more. 
Shelley: Promise? 
John: Promise.
Shelley: All good?
John: All good. 
Shelley: Great. LOL. You know, the kids make fun of us when we say that. They say old people think it means "Lots of love." You know what I say? I say.........................


HOLY  SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


John: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  WHAT?? WHAT????


Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ha! Sorry. Ha! Ha! Ha! Couldn't help myself. 
John:.......... 
Shelley: Oh come on. I said I was sorry. You've got to admit that you would have done the same......LOL? 

Shelley and John

Do You Know Where Your Money is? Seriously, do you?

A conversation my husband, John and I had, while travelling in our fifth wheel through the States.

John: Isn’t it interesting how many single people we’ve met traveling on their own?

Shelley: Yes. And how genuinely happy they are, traveling that way.

John: I’d hate that. Wouldn’t you?

Shelley: ........

John: Not funny.

Shelley: God. I’m kidding. You know I’d hate to be on my own. Just think how hard it would be to find and train your replacement.

John: I don’t need to train “your” replacement. "Helga," the Swedish Nurse, doesn’t need any training.

Shelley: Of course she doesn’t. But she does need to be paid. Have you thought of that? I know how you like to plan.

John: Yehassss. Gawd.

Shelley: So, how would you pay her?

John: Cold. Hard. Cash.

Shelley: Excellent. From which account? Specifically.

John:........

Road runner

Shelley: Ha! You don’t have a clue where the money is.

John: Shelley, that's not fair. I’ve tried to learn, but you get so impatient with me, that it’s not worth it.

Shelley: That’s because when you actually do sit down, you can’t sit still. 

John: Not true.

Shelley: Really? Then let's sit down right now and I'll explain where everything is.

John: Now?

Shelley: Now.

John: Can I leave the basketball on?

Shelley: And, there you have it.

John: Now "I'm" kidding. Right. Go ahead.

Shelley: First of all, you can track most of the money ....... What are you doing?

John: I was going to put the kettle on. Not now of course. Later?

Shelley:.. First of all, you can track most of the money... ahh... most of the money.... Jesus Christ. Can't you just sit still for a moment? 

John: Sorry. Dust makes my eyes itchy. Ha! Ha! Remember when Susan would say that? 

Shelley: And, we're done.

John: Come on honey. Go ahead. I'm listening... tracking most of the money. See?

Shelley: But you have to know which site I'm on. And learn the login and password codes. @#$& it. This is a waste of time. I knew this would happen. I'm going for a walk.

John: Wait! How about we do this in stages? 

Shelley: ... Last chance. I'm going to write the basics on this paper. Then, I'm going for that walk. If you're really serious about this, you'll have memorized all of it by the time I get back. Otherwise...

John: You've got it. I promise. I'll show you.

Shelley:.. There. (Passes John the paper) I'll be back in fifteen minutes. 

John: I'll be done in five. 

Shelley: Fifteen. (Leaves)

John:(Opens the note) Oh. No.

Account #1: 48563094763423422934792735275975932759237927597115

Password: (^&^%BWYUajerkjnc!@#!@#!$!$!@QEDFGdfgdfvnjdf@#$$&

Account #2: 

02947520852759475492759245729745792579257211222727

Password:

#$!$%^*^^*&^#$Q%#Q$&** GSVRSIVMIRTMQtvsnco)((*&&

Account #3: 

09120834756758483747584839475793947389472987429347289

Password:

afiod@#$@#$gGGVDG453^$%^JHJBIGIF!@#!@$EVGTTHHH

Shelley and John

What Goes on Tour, Stays on Tour

Tour rules:
#1 Be game for anything such as:

working out, 

kayaking,

visiting hokey tourist towns, like Oatman, and being hokey,

                                    

                   Getting your pictures taken with burros,  live and  

                                     

                 possibly not so live, 

                                                 hiking,

even where hunters hunt,

in the hot, hot sun.

golfing,

even in big winds, and alligator infested ponds, 

                                        Kidding, they're fake.
Tour Rule #2: Napping is OK, 

even encouraged.

after all, 

at times, 

it can reach 80 degrees in the desert.

 But it might be better if you both nap at the same time.....

                                                     otherwise......

 the temptation may be too much to resist....

 RATTLE SNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley and John