Black Friday? Walmart? Guns? Pepper Spray? Pass Thanks

Last year, my husband, John and I hit the Palm Springs Walmart at 11:30 pm on Black Friday. Although we had never participated in a Black Friday before, we were prepared for crazy. Luckily, our crowd was pretty subdued. 

However, things were not so calm at other Walmarts around the US. At the Myrtle Beach Walmart, a woman was shot in the foot by robbers outside the store. In the Port Ranch Walmart, a female shopper, who had lined up for over an hour and a half, pepper sprayed 19 other customers. She was the first person to get an Xbox. Prior to the attack, she told a security guard that she had pepper spray. He did not take if from her, nor notify management. 

I “know” what I would have done if someone pulled a gun or a can of pepper spray on me. 

Scenario One

Robber: Give me your bags or I will shoot you in the foot.

Me: OK. 

Scenario Two

Crazy Woman With Pepper Spray: Get out of my way. Although I’m #20 in line and guaranteed an Xbox, I can’t take a chance. Move, or I will spray you in both eyes.

Me: OK. 

But that is what a sane person would do. What about those 19 people who didn’t move? What in God’s name was wrong with them? For an Xbox???

Tell you what, I am going to give the first 13 in line a break because people surged forward. They were probably too shocked to move or, maybe they were pushed up against something or someone. But for the final 6, what were you thinking?

For #14 was it? “Oh No! She just pepper sprayed 13 people. Maybe she’ll skip me. Yeouchhhh!”

For #15 did he think? “Holy crap! Maybe if I can just cover my eyes with my sun glasses I will still be able to get my X.... Owwww!!”

#16 and #17, did they have this unspoken mutual understanding? “Hey! Let’s link arms! Do not let go! Two is better than.... Eowwwww!!!!! Our eyes!”

I wonder if #18 was hoping? “I’m good. She must be out of spray by now. Ahhhhhh!!!! That B@$#%!!!!!!!”

And finally #19. Seriously? Seriously. He could have grabbed an Xbox and bolted long before she reached him. But, he stayed. The only reason I can think of is, maybe he was soooo confident, he just thought, “If that crazy ass woman comes near me, I will shoot her, in the foot, with my gun I bought here last Black Friday. Oh no. I left my gun in the ...... Wahhhhhhh!!! Why you crazy ass!!”

And what about Walmart? How was she allowed to pay for her Xbox before she was thrown out? Did the Security Guard say to the boss? “Come on boss. Let her pay. She obviously really wanted it.” 

And did the boss thoughtfully reply? “Fine, but cash only. We are not taking a 3% hit on the Visa transaction.”

Shelley and John

Black Friday Training Tips

Last week my husband, John, and I put maximum effort into every activity. During hikes, heart monitors were used and continuously checked. The bike ride was 21 miles around a lake, in desert heat. 

Tennis games lasted over two hours. Sprints, leaps and jumps were added to the running workout. Wrestling was considered, but immediately rejected, as my parent’s condo is on the second floor.  

Why?

Because…..

Black Friday is only 2 days away! And the Smiths have never been! This post Thanksgiving Day ridiculous price slashing sales event begins at midnight. We saw the videos and heard the stories. We knew what we would be up against. We needed to be prepared. We are prepared!!! ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, since arriving in the Palm Spring’s area, I have been a little disappointed. I know it’s a good thing that the Xmas list will be filled, but feel it just won’t be as much fun as anticipated. In fact, we might have over trained, because the average age here is, oh, 75.  I know this because we went to Bingo last night at our RV Park . The old boy playing next to me said he was 88 years old. 

88!!! 

He wore glasses with coke bottle lenses, took about 10 minutes to sit down and his shuffling speed was about a ½ mile per hour. 

“This” is my competition. 

John has tried to cheer me up. He told me, “Chin up. Don’t ever underestimate the “Blue Hairs.” They are on a fixed income. Look, I’ll bring the camera just in case. “ 

Sigh. 

Shelley and John

Why Cell Phones Should be Banned in Public

The night was gloriously warm and peaceful. We decided to sit on the balcony  and enjoy a glass of wine. Then......

“Hi. It’s me Sally. What’s up? I’m on my balcony having a smoke. Thought I’d give you a quick call. I’ve been feeling bad all day. Guess why. Just Guess! No. Eyeuuhhh! Didn’t I tell you that I had my results back for that? It’s all good. Thank God. 

Anyway, where was I? Maybe I shouldn’t  share this. It’s TMI. Now that I think of it, I shouldn’t have told you about my other problem. Seriously, I’m too ashamed to tell you. I can’t. I just can’t. You’ll never forgive me if I don’t tell you? Really? Ok! Ok! I will. Just don’t tell anyone. Promise? 

It’s diarrhea. Can you believe it? First the infection, and now this. I’ve never had it this bad before. I was running to the toilet all day. Jesus, think of the smell! How  embarrassing is that? Hahahaha! Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went to my doctor. No, no, not the hot one. I wish. During one part of the exam, he gently put pressure on my stomach. I was thinking, “Hope he doesn’t push down too hard or I might explode.” 

“You” would have died if something had leaked out? Tell me about it. “I” was the one there. Now “that” would have been the worst. I asked him what I could eat to make it better. What’s that? Cranberries? No! I told you that I got the “all clear” down there. Fiber. I know. I thought that it would make it worse....blah blah blah blah...”

American Hoggers - Why they Scare the BeJesus out of me!

Dear Steve,

Sister-in-law, Shelley, brother Steve

John and I would like to thank you for inviting us to Texas. We were pretty excited until last night, when we watched the Texan Reality Show “American Hoggers”. Quite frankly, Steve, it scared us and we are having second thoughts. Maybe, after you read what I saw and heard, you’ll appreciate why. 

Love ,
Shelley and John xo

PS: I understand that you have asked our brother,Shenley to visit too. 

As he is our brother, I feel that it is only fair that I send him a copy of this letter.

Setting: Somewhere in Texas. A family of 4 (Pa, Jr., Daughter 1, Daughter 2)  are the "American Hoggers." Pa is hard to understand, so I guessed at what he was saying. &#$%ing is used for all of the swearing.

 Pa: We're going to go and get us some &#$%ing hogs! Got that Jr, Daughter 1 (Cute blonde) and Daughter 2 (Not as cute, but tough looking. Very.)?

Pa: Let's Dance! (Pa climbs into a helicopter as his offspring jump on their horses loaded up with hand pistols- not rifles, bowie knives and pink hog tying ropes.) 

(Pa has the helicopter scare a whole bunch of &#$%ing hogs away from a watering hole straight into the path of his kids.)

Pa: (on walkie talkie) Watch out! Watch out! We scared a whole bunch of &#$%ing hogs straight into your path!

&#$%ing hogs: Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal! 

Son, Daughter 1, Daughter 2: We need to get off our horses! Just in time! Here they come! (Bang!) Oh no! (Bang!) Another one! (Bang!) Over there! (Bang!)

&#$%ing hogs: Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal!

Jr.: Watch out we’re surrounded! They’re coming every which way lookin’ meaner than an hornet’s nest! (Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!)

(What’s left of the &#$%ing hogs race back to the watering hole.)

Pa: (Hops down from the helicopter.) I was worried about y'all. Those &#$%ing hogs ran straight into your paths because of me. It's OK you shot them. Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Leave them now. There’s still more &#$%ing hogs to get tonight.

(Night time at the watering hole.)

Pa: These &#$%ing hogs are down right evil. They're meaner than an ex-wife. Y'all be careful now. But remember, no shooting. DO NOT SHOOT! Just get in there with those knives of yours and pink &#$%inghog tying ropes. Don't forget your 10 watt flashlights! Let's Dance!

&#$%ing hogs: (&#$%ing hogs crash through the woods) Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal!

Jr.: There's one right there! (He dives and lands on the &#$%ing hog.) He's a big son of a bitch! Whoa now! Looks like someone pissed in his chilli. Let's tie him up!

Daughter 2: Watch his cutters! Watch his cutters! Kicking little bastard! Quit!

Daughter 1: Don’t let him bite you! Ok! Ok! As I am the smallest, weighing in at 90 pounds, soaking wet, let me tie him up with only my bare hands! I won’t use a gun or a knife, even though we will shoot him off camera later!

Pa: Daughter 1, you did a mighty fine job. I’m going to take this little beauty and put it on the front of the tractor where I’ll pile the rest of those &#$%ing hogs.

Daughter 2: Heard of a dog pile, but never a hog pile.

Pa, Jr., Daughter 1 and 2: Heh! Heh! Heh!

PA: Shhhh!!! Listen. 

&#$%ing Hogs: Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal!

(Dogs start barking again, another &#$%ing hog is hog tied, and another, and another.....)

Pa: That’s a damn good ending to the night, eh? Let’s go get us some breakfast. How ‘bout some eggs to go with those &#$%ing hog sausages? 

Shelley and John

*********************************************************************************

Dear Shelley and John,
Please don't let the show, "American Hoggers" scare you. I can assure you that here in Sugar Land, not one hog has been spotted in the city limits in the last 3 years. Please reconsider.

Your loving brother,
Steve

******************************************************

Dear Steve,
It's not the hogs. 
Shelley and John xoxo

American Football With all The Trimmings

We went to an American College football game the other night. Cal Poly vs Eastern Washington. Despite desert, night time, butt numbing temperatures, we were in AMERICANA NIRVANA!!!!  We marveled at the skill of the baton twirler, (3 batons were on fire!) were awed by the dancers, cheerleaders and colour guard members and thought the football game wasn’t too bad either. 

However, what really impressed us was the 175 member marching band. Granted, they looked a little nerdy in their white military outfits and caps with yellow plumes, but, the way they moved around the field, dipping, changing directions, seamlessly moving from formation to formation while never missing a beat or a note was something else.

Imagine our excitement when they gathered at our end of the field waiting to perform their half time show. 

Suddenly “Shout” blasted on the speakers between a play. All 175 members reacted. Some only nodded their heads. Others added knee bends. 

And then we spotted him... the clarinet player. This guy was in a class of his own. He just threw it down. He would raise his hands, lean backwards, shake his hips and snap up. He would fold forwards from the waist, howl, spin and jump. He even pretended to nut people. (Lead with the forehead, stop centimeters before bashing someone else’s). Head, ams,legs, and torso moved, at times, all at once, BUT NEVER TO THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC. The trumpet section ignored him, the drummers turned away, even his own section gave him a mixed reception. He was oblivious. He did not care. He was in his own world. 

We couldn’t take our eyes off of him. We lost it. Ahhhhahahhahahaha! It couldn’t be helped. Wave after waves of belly laughs rolled out. We tried to stop. Really. We knew we shouldn’t be laughing at someone else’s expense. I’d wipe my eyes, breath deeply but then John would snort. And off we would go again. HAHAHAHAHA! We wondered aloud if the guy knew how funny he looked. I told John to get it on film, but too late. The song ended. Still chuckling, we looked around to see if others were as amused as us. 

No one was. NO ONE. How could they have not found this guy funny? What was wrong with them? Oh God...Ahhahahahahahahaha!!! 

The announcer started recognizing the seniors from the band. “Terry Black - Aerospace Engineering, John Sherman -  Chemical Engineering, Fred Stamos - Double major, Biochemical Engineering and Math.... on and on it went.

We stopped laughing. Belatedly,the words of Bill Gates came to me. “Be nice to nerds, because some day you might work for one.”

Bloody good thing we are retired!

Shelley and John

How to Blow Your Budget - Buy a RV

Budget 

5 days ago...

I reviewed the budget. The original plan was $100 per day......

HA! The reality is $145 per day. Here is the breakdown if you average everything out for 18 days. ( If anyone wants, I can send a detailed break down.)

$75 - Fuel (12 mi./gal.)  

$30 - Campsites (Ca. is killing us)

$40 - Essentials in order of importance: wine, groceries, entrance fees to lighthouses etc.

Deep breath. Look at everything. OK. OK. We can probably do this for 6 months. When we get back to Canada, things will settle down. Go ahead buy that beer.

  

4 days ago...

“Oh boy, that’s not good. I was afraid of that. It’s going to run you a lot," drawls the RV Doctor, who doesn’t make house calls for less than $100!!!!! ”How much? Well, $220 to replace the mother board for the hot water heater. Now, now, sir, I ain't  fixin' to sell my whole business for $220. Oh, that's a joke eh? Tell you what, if you don’t need a receipt, I can give it to you for $180. Cash only. Yes, you can follow me to an ATM where they charge you 5 bucks per transaction."

3 days ago in a RV Store......

“So, someone suggested that you get a surge protector eh? Well you don’t want to fry your electrical. Do you? No worries, I think I have one here (searching). Here we go, yours for $83.”

Two  days ago.....

“You have to understand that this is a Duramax 2500. This thing’s a beast. Oh, you know that. Then you oughta know that you gotta take care of it. That will be $183 for an oil change, new filter and oh, I put in a light bulb in the front of the truck. I threw that in for $20.”

One day ago....

“Put that beer back. You don’t need to drink every day! Jesus Christ we are not the Bank of Montreal.”

Thank God there are  free things you can do on a road trip!

Monarch Butterflies

Shelley and John

Rain Rain Go Away!

Last night the radio announcer reported that over 2 inches of rain had fallen in the Pismo Beach area and more was on the way. (This was not the drizzly stuff, but full on torrential down pour stuff. The stuff that caused mud slides in KL. Sometimes, the trailer shook with the wind.) He advised people to try to stay inside. No kidding. We had been in the trailer for over 8 hours already. During that time we watched 4 episodes of  “Boardwalk Empire”,  “Mike and Molly” the movie “Water For Elephants” wiped, swept, vacuumed, washed, polished, rearranged cupboards,napped, played Farkle, Cards, Monopoly Deal, checked e-mails, facebook, investments,(more than once), showered, cooked and ate supper. By 9:00 we were drinking California wine, (a lot) and reading our books. (in separate rooms). Thought you would want to know what kind of books we read. So....

Here’s an excerpt from John’s book “Tail- End Charlies”, a historical account of the second world war in England.

“For a year, British Intelligence had known that German scientists were developing flying bombs of some sort. Their precise mechanisms were still a mystery but their intention was clear.” 

Here’s an excerpt from my book, “Forbidden” a historical romance from pre-medieval times in England.

“ The only hints of delicacy in the man were his dense, faintly curling eyelashes and the clean, curving line of his lips. The stranger was handsome in the way a warrior is handsome, the beauty of a storm rather than the beauty of a flower. Recent bruises, cuts, and scrapes mingled with the scars of other, older, battles. The marks served to enhance rather than to diminish his aura of male power.”

Shelley and John

Tatiana, our Mean, Nasty, Adolescent, Uber GPS System

I was going to write about how great a job John did driving Big Sur.

I was also going to write about the elephant seals, specifically the male putting the moves on the female. 

I was finally going to share with you pictures and comments about the Hearst Castle. 

Instead, I have decided to write about our GPS system, AKA Tatiana, (Don’t ask) a mean, nasty, adolescent, uber B@$#itch.  I am convinced she is human. 

9:00  - 9:15 -  I type in “Hearst Castle.” No matter how I enter the information, the screen stays blank.

9:16 - I lose it. “Seriously?!? What is wrong with you? What is your problem? ”  

9:17 - I try San Simone, a local town near the Hearst Castle.

9:18 -  Nothing. I continue to enter San Simone in a variety of ways. Nothing. 

9:19 -  “John, what do you think is wrong with this thing? It’s almost like it is pouting because we turned it off in San Francisco. Is that it, Tatiana???? Fine, we are turning you off because we know there is only one highway to take. “B@$#itch.”

11:20 - Elephant seals on Highway #1.

12:00 - 4:00 - Hearst Castle on Highway #1.

4:01 - I decide to give Tatiana another chance. I type “Sand Dunes RV Resort”  in Pismo.

4:02 - Nothing.

4:03 - I give her the benefit of the doubt and try only the town "Pismo."  “Mean B@$#itch.”

4:04 - Tatiana slyly attempts to take us on a ridiculous alternate route around a mountain range on a gravel road.

4:05 - I threaten to throw her out the window if she doesn’t start to cooperate. “Mean, nasty B@$#itch.”

4:06 - John advises, “Shelley, be nice!” 

4:05 - I snort at the stupidity. I argue that there is no way “she” could have heard me  because “she” is just a stupid inanimate object. I enter a campground in the vicinity of Pismo. Nothing. “ Mean, nasty, adolescent B@$#itch!”

4:06 - Tatiana directs us to a large highway. A detour 20 miles out of our way.

4:07 - I counter attack. I have John call the campsite to get directions. We turn Tatiana off. It is important to show her who's boss! “Mean, nasty, adolescent, uber B@$#itch!”

5:30 - 7:30 - It’s been dark for almost 2 hours. We continue to drive around in circles. We take wrong roads, drive through scary parts of Pismo and end up in Guadalupe. A scary man yells at me from his truck, “Hurry the F@#$ up and F@$3^ing turn, you stupid B@#$@." Was that a gun? I’m scared. John's scared.

7:31 - My apology begins.

Shelley - 1

Tatiana - 1

Shelley and John

Fear = California Highway Driving

Yesterday, my son Matt, sent me a definition of the word “chalice”. I thought, "What a great way to start a blog." So, today’s word is "fear" and the topic is "driving." 

dictionary.reference.com/browse/fear - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 

And now, an attempt to write the blog using the word “fear” and all of its definitions.

On Nov.6th we experienced fear as we drove through San Francisco on the 101. This distressing emotion, fear, was aroused by CRAZY ASS CALIFORNIAN DRIVERS WHO WERE INTENT ON KILLING THEMSELVES OR US, AS THEY SWERVED BACK AND FORTH, FOR NO APPARENT REASON, IN UP TO  7 LANES OF TRAFFIC WITHOUT ONCE, NOT ONCE, USING THEIR SIGNALS! 

Fear of impending danger (DYING) was intensified when our evil GPS TRIED TO TAKE US THROUGH OAKLAND. 

“TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND. RECALCULATING. TAKE THE NEXT LEFT. THEN, TAKE THE NEXT LEFT. DRIVE THROUGH OAKLAND, ONE OF THE MEANEST, BADDEST ASS CITIES IN CALIFORNIA, THEN, TURN. TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND!!!! NOW. DO IT. DO IT AGAIN.” 

 

Ignoring the GPS, we fearfully attempted to negotiate the 101 ourselves. We felt impending fear when the following sign appeared out of no where. 


"For the #1 coastal highway, Veer left in 50 yards"


Our fear was real, not imagined, because at that exact time, we were 7 lanes away on the right trying to stay alive.

This impending emotion of possible pain did not ease when our drive continued down the #1 because it was OBVIOUSLY BUILT AND DESIGNED BY THE SAME evil SADIST WHO PUT IN THE FREEWAY SIGNS.

Shelley and John

The California Redwoods

“Carving a hole through the coastal redwood reflects a time passed when we didn’t fully appreciate the significance of all      organisms and their interplay with the environment. People need to respect and admire these wonders of nature.”
"Redwood National and State Parks Visitor Guide"

Whatever!!!!

Meet my new buddy Dave, from Oakland. I am in the passenger's seat!!!!!!!!!

Shelley and John

How to Successfully Back up a Fifth Wheel

We send daily prayers now. No, not for those less fortunate than ourselves, but for a pull through campsite. For those who have never backed up a 2500 GMC, 4 wheel, 6 gear, short box, Duramax truck attached to a 24 ft. Citation RV  “HOUSE” with flipped axels 42 feet long, you will never understand.  

My brother, Shenley has demonstrated the correct technique. We have searched youtube and know that swooping is the correct technique. We even practiced the correct technique in a vacant parking lot. It doesn’t matter because when it is time to back up, we are absolutely, unbelievably, embarrassingly hopeless.. Here is a typical backing up experience.

Shelley/John:... Amen.

Shelley/John: %#$@! There are no pull throughs.

John: How far is it to the next campsite?

Shelley: Too far, we have to stay here.

Shelley/John: %#$@! There are no pull throughs.

Shelley: Baby, don’t panic. Let’s just drive around to see if there are any really big sites so we don’t take out branches like last time.

John: And I am not backing up in front of a crowd. I hate being the comedy show.

Shelley: Relax. Don’t stress.

John: I hate it when you tell me to do that.

Shelley: Ok. Ok. Here is one. Remember to swoop. I’ll get out and guide you. Ok, turn this way. (Hand gestures)

John: (Backing up slowly) Ok?

Shelley: (Hand Gestures) No, stop.

John: What did I do wrong?

Shelley: You went back ok, but in the wrong direction. 

John: Ok, I will go forward and try again. (Backing up slowly) Ok?

Repeat above  5 to 6, even more times. Know that people have been arriving steadily during this time. Some just stand there and smile. Some openly laugh (%#$@!ers), and some call out advice.

John: (Backing up slowly) OK?????????

Shelley: (HAND GESTURES) NO! STOP!! 

John: I CAN”T SEE YOU!!!!!

Shelley: (GESTURING WITH BOTH  HANDS AND FINGERS - INAPPROPRIATELY) CAN YOU SEE THIS?

John: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Shelley: TRY THE SWOOP?

John: TRY THIS! (GESTURING WITH BOTH  HANDS AND FINGERS - INAPPROPRIATELY) 

Shelley: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

John: JESUS CHRIST SHELLEY!!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT DIRECTION YOU WANT ME TO GO IN!!!!!!!!

Shelley: ARE YOU SWEARING AT ME? WTF? I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP. WHY DON’T YOU TRY IT ALL BY YOURSELF IT YOU ARE SO @#$@$ing CAPABLE. WHAT ABOUT THAT YOU @#$@$ing!!!!

Eventually we do back in, bow and wave to the crowd, reconfirm our everlasting love and agree that if we added “those less fortunate than ourselves” to our prayers, we might get a pull through next time.

Shelley and John