Smith Christmas Tradition #3 How to Take the Perfect Family Christmas Photo

Back Row: Shenley, Matt, Tyler, Logan, Andrew, Dan, John, Shannon and Keith

Front Row: Shelley, Marina, Ash

We just finished Christmas dinner.  What could be a better time than to take the perfect family Christmas photo?

Plain type - Dialogue
Bold Type - Thoughts

My Sister Shannon: Hey! This would be a great time to take the perfect family Christmas photo. Who wants to take it?

My Brother Shenley: I’ll take it with Marina’s new camera! (No. No! NO! What have I done? Look at what they did to John last night when he tried to organize a game. He lost it - ended up throwing custard and swearing!)

Everyone but Shenley: Yayyyyy!!!!! Thanks Shen.

Shenley: (Ahhhhh. That was nice. Maybe I underestimated them. This "will" be a great chance to use this awesome new camera!) Everyone go into the living room in stand in front of the fire. Guys in the back. Girls in the front...... Andrew. What are you doing?

Everyone, including Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: But, come on now, get off the table. Get in the back. That was pretty funny by the way. So, it’s looking ....

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: Matt. What’s on your head?

Matt: Uh.. a Christmas hat?

Sister-in law Marina: Take it off. This is supposed to be the "Perfect family Christmas Photo."

Matt: I thought we were celebrating Christmas. Why was Andrew funny and I wasn’t??

Marina and Shenley: Just take it off, Matt.

Andrew: Because I'm the funny one, Matt!

Everyone but Matt: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: Ha! OK. OK. A perfect photo now. (Are you kidding me? Now it's John. What is wrong with the Smiths?) Stop! John, why are you standing like that?

John: Sorry. I was trying to be taller than the boys.

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley:  (Why is he messing around?  What have I ever done to him? I even felt sorry for him last night. Doesn't he want the perfect family Christmas photo?)

Marina: Stop it. Everyone just stand nicely and not on your toes. It doesn’t matter who's the tallest. I want the "Perfect family Christmas Photo."

Shenley: (Thank God for Marina.) OK. Looking good. Leave a space for me. I’m putting the timer on..........checking one last time........ (Seriously? Seriously!) Why are you boys ducking ? 

Cousins and Sons: No we weren't.

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: .........(They are pinching and grabbing each other! I am going to kill one of them!..... Which one is first?...... OMG! What am I thinking? I've got to get a grip.......Smile. SMILE SHENLEY! DON'T LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE GETTING TO YOU!!!!) Oh! Ha! That is just too funny. Ha. Smile everyone. Let me just check..........(THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE! WHY DID I GIVE THIS CAMERA TO MARINA?) 
TYLER! WHY ARE YOU STANDING OVER THERE? YOU ARE NOT IN THE PICTURE!!!!!

Cousin Tyler: But dad, you told me to stand there.

Matt: Hey! Why do they get to wear Christmas hats and I don’t?

Shenley: TYLER!!!! I.... DID.... NOT!!!  JUST GO BACK OVER THERE!!! (@$%^!!!) 
OK. Everyone ready? Look at the camera. Stop moving. STOP (@$%^ing) MOVING!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE (@$%^ing) CAMERA (WHICH I NOW @$%^ing HATE) SO WE CAN GET THE  (@$%^ing PERFECT (@$%^ing*) FAMILY CHRISTMAS PHOTO!!!!

Everyone but Shenley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shenley: That’s it. I’m putting away the camera.

Everyone but Shenley: Why? What’s wrong?

Shenley: If you think that I'm doing this for another 30 minutes. You're wrong. Dead wrong.

Everyone but Shelley:.....................................

Sister Shannon, sister-in-law, Marina, Shelley (me)

Shelley: Ha! Ha! Come on Shenley. How about for 32 minutes? Ha! Ha!

Everyone but Shenley and Shelley: (HOLY %&#$!!! SHELLEY JUST POKED THE BEAR!!! WHERE HAS SHE BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 MINUTES? HOW MUCH HAS "SHE" HAD TO DRINK???) 

Shenley: (HOLY %&#$!!! SHELLEY JUST POKED ME!!!  WHERE HAS SHE BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 MINUTES? HOW MUCH HAS "SHE" HAD TO DRINK???)............................................... No.

Everyone but Shenley: Come on Shenley!

Shenley: ......................

Everyone but Shenley: We’ll listen! We’re sorry! 

Shenley: ......................................................................................................................Smile.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Love

Back Row: Shenley, Matt, Tyler, Logan, Andrew, Dan, John, Shannon and Keith

Front Row: Shelley, Marina, Ash

PS: Thanks for the cartoons, Matt!

Shelley and John

Smith Christmas Tradition #2 Skiing on Mt. Washington

Whenever we are in Canada for Christmas, our family goes skiing on Mt. Washington. This Christmas, my grade 9 nephew, Logan, joined us.

He is a good listener.

Matt: Logan, a piece of advice. You gotta get two girls to date one.

The dating Guru clicked his skis together for emphasis. One ski plumetted from the chair lift to the ground. 

Matt: Gawwwwwwd Damn it.
Logan: Got it.

He has an eye for detail.

Matt: Where is everyone?

Logan: I dunno. Is that Ash?

Matt: That's a girl with long black hair. Ash’s hair is light brown, curly and shoulder length. 

Logan: Oh right. There's your mom in her blue helmet.

Matt: Mom's helmet is pink. What the hell is wrong with you? Forget this, let's just go. If we get separated, do you know what I look like?

Logan: Yes. You are wearing... a hat. And... pants.

Matt: Those aren't descriptives!

He likes to share details of  his latest run.

Logan: Hey!!!! Did you see me sfkgj ;lg akljg lgkg sg?Then I lakdf aldjkf akjdf fadf!!!!!! Wasn’t that cool?

Andrew: None of those things you said were words. Matt, did you understand what he just said?

Logan: aldkj glakjdg Matt.

Matt: What?

Logan: Then I owuer woeru slkg blkjfa!!! Dad said adklfj asl  because I now fljlk jfslkj fser!!!!! Awesome, eh?

Andrew: Remember what we talked about Logan. Use sentences and speak slowly.

Logan: Oh sorry.  Ha! Ha! Then I went adj lg aglk wor oiweu ga oijh  before the jump asdj daf and I ykffah, “SHITTTTTTT!

Matt: Now that word I understand.

Logan, thanks for entertaining us.

Shelley and John

Smith Christmas Tradition #1 Setting up The Christmas Tree

Smith Christmas Tradition #1  Putting up The Christmas Tree 

Dec. 21st.

Last night, John put up our fake silk Xmas tree we bought 20 years ago in Bangkok. We hate it! It’s too tall. It’s too wide. And it sheds more needles than a real one! 

But, it’s tradition. 

“Which branch fits where?”

“I don’t know. You have to figure it out by matching the colours. Don’t put branches in the back or it will be too big.”

“Yes dear.  #$%&! I can  barely see back here. Where does the green branch go? ”

“Jesus John. I’m cooking supper!”

“Oh no. This doesn’t look good. Quick. Come and hold the top before it tips!”

“Is that the smoke alarm? I think I put the wrong burner on. Sorry. Hang on a second.”

“No. Don’t let go! Oh S@#$. G#@ D#@$ it. Look at all the @#$$%^ needles. How can a fake tree shed more than a real one? I’m amazed it has any left. This is the last year for this tree. Get me the vacuum cleaner. ”

“But I’m cooking supper. Maybe you can weigh it down with some stones from outside. While you get them, might as well grab the vacuum cleaner. ”

“Yes dear! And while I’m at it, would you like me to move the house a little to the left? For @#$$# sake. Why can’t we wait for the boys to put up the tree?”

“Tradition, John. They put up the ornaments.”

“Fine. Whatever. It’s up. But it’s not steady. Just don’t bump it.”

“Hmmmm. I just don’t know. Maybe we should take out a section and put it on the coffee table?”

“That is not going to happen. There is no @#$$ing way I am going to redo it. It looks fine. Shelley. Be reasonable. ”

“OK. OK. I’ll think about it. Lights?”

John carefully put up the lights. I carefully took them down.

“Jesus Christ Shelley. Every year I put them up, and every year you take them down. Why do you insist on me putting them up?”

“Tradition, John.”

“Is the heat on blast? I’need a beer. (Big gulp. Big Breath.) I’m sorry. Let’s start this again. How about we put the boys’ Xmas plates here?”

“No.”

“What about here?”

“No.”

“Why the @#$& not?”

“I don’t like them there.”

“You know what? I have an idea. Why don’t you tell me where to put things and I do it without saying anything?”

“Sounds good!!!! God. What is wrong with you? Why are you so stressed? This is supposed to be fun.”

“Tradition, Shelley.”

Shelley and John


BTW. Everyone should have goals. Mine is to be on the Ellen Degeneres show and if that fails Chelsey Lately's. I figure if I can prove people actually read these blogs, I'll write Ellen a sixth time and she'll fall all over herself to put me on her show. So, if you would like to see me dance on Ellen...

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Thanks Shelley and John

Smith Christmas Tradition #4 How to Play Games Smith Style

John made up a new game for Christmas. It’s based on the shows, “You Deserve It” and “Family Feud.” Here’s how it works. One person thinks of a person, character or object, then gives a clue. If you don’t guess, you ask for another clue. You only get to guess once. We tried it out today while snowshoeing. It was Matt’s go.

Matt: Ex athlete.

Rest of us: Hmmmm. Another clue, please.

Matt: Actor

Rest of us: Hmmmm. 

Shelley: So, he was a soccer star who is now a sport’s commentator? I can’t think of who that would be. Another clue please.

Matt: What? No. That is not what I said. I said an athlete who now acts.

John: Has he ever commentated on sports?

Matt: I don’t know! F@#%. Here’s another clue. His sport was football.

Andrew: Leslie Nelson. He played football.

Matt: Leslie Nelson? He was not an athlete.

Andrew: I’m pretty sure he played football with O.J. Simpson. They made a movie together called “Airplane.”

Shelley: That’s right, with that actress. John, what was her name?

John: Marilyn Monroe. I think.

Shelley: Are you sure? I though it was that other actress.

Matt: What are you talking about? Yes, Leslie Nelson starred in “Airplane” but he did not play football! MARILYN MONROE WAS DEAD LONG BEFORE THAT MOVIE WAS MADE!!!  

Andrew: Matt! Why do you have to be so loud? 

Matt: Because you guys are deaf. Anyway it doesn’t matter Andrew. You’re out of the game because you guessed wrong.

Andrew: Why? I just guessed once. 

Matt: You only get one guess. 

Andrew: That’s pretty stupid. This game is stupid. You’re stupid. 

Matt: God Damn you people! This isn’t even my game. Why am I even playing this game? 

John: Matt. Calm down. Was it English football or American football? 

Matt: Jesus Christ. Don’t you people listen? 

Shelley: Another clue, please.

Matt: Why? You don’t use them. You just make up your own.

Shelley: Now Matt. I am listening. Just give another clue.

Matt: OK. Fine. Prison.

Rest of us: HMMMMMMM!

Shelley: Oh. I think I know the prison. Alcatraz in San Francisco. “Escape from Alcatraz” was the name of that movie. But that’s not the movie I am thinking of. I am thinking of the movie where no one was trying to escape. Shoot. Can’t think of it. Never mind, I do know the name of the guy who starred in the other one. The one where they were trying to escape. Ah, my memory is so bad now.....Clint Eastwood. Yes. That sounds about right.

Matt: You’re out.

Shelley: Me? Why? That wasn’t a guess. I was just thinking out loud.

Matt: For F@#$ sake!!!!!!! Let this game be over with.

John: Another clue. Please.

Matt: Samoan

Andrew: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Matt: Andrew! You’re already out of the game!

John: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Matt: There. You win. Congratulation. Great @#$@ing game.

Rest of us: OK. My turn. I have one!

Shelley and John

Snowbirds in Los Algodones, Mexico

Last week John and I crossed over to Los Algodones, Mexico. Immediately, men wearing medical uniforms swarmed us offering deals on dental (check-ups, cleaning, whitening, root canals and implants!!!!) and eye (check-ups, glasses, contacts, laser surgery) services. 

Drug and liquor stores, as well as pharmacies, were every where. Street vendors aggressively pushed silver jewelry, belt buckles, leather purses, assorted wood carvings, ponchos and mexican blankets into our arms. You name it, they hawked it.

We escaped into a restaurant featuring live (bad) Mexican music and old Snowbirds (people who escape winter from Canada and northern states). We ordered tacos (5 US dollars), margaritas (free, way way too sweet) and Coronas, (Headache inducing. Could they be fake?) 

T-shirts with assorted logos were everywhere.

OLD GUYS RULE (Was this for retired male Snowbirds who are no longer Kings?)

KISS MY A#& I’M RETIRED ( Maybe for angry Snowbirds who have reached their breaking point?)

DON’T ASK ME FOR Sh%^t! (For very angry Snowbirds who just came to Mexico to drink and are fed up with their kids who are still on the pay roll?)

F$%^YOU, YOU F$%^ING F$%^! (Proof that this word can be used as a verb, adjective and noun in the same sentence by an angry bird Snowbird. HA! HA! Get it?)

I F$%^ ON THE FIRST DATE (Apparently it can also be used as an action verb by a single Snowbird. Have to admit, this one made me laugh out loud.)

I’M SHY, BUT I’VE GOT A BIG D^&*( (Just a sad, pick up line at closing time by a sad Snowbird.)

EAT MY BURRITO (The burrito was attached to a dog’s you know what. What single Snowbird female could resist this?) 

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE B*&^% FELL OFF ( John’s all time favourite. For Hell’s Angel Snowbirds.)

Snowbirds wore these. Mexicans did not.

Shelley and John

Fear of Flying

While driving to the Palm Springs Airport, my parents and I commented on the winds gusting up to 50 miles per hour. 

“Wow.  Look at that tumble weed. It’s actually tumbling across the road. Ha! Ha!”

“Do you think those swaying road signs will fly off their hinges?”

“Jeez. Those palm trees are almost touching the ground.”

“Palm Springs is usually worse than Hemet.”

“Wouldn’t want to golf in this!”

“Never mind golf. How about... Oh. Sorry John. Sorry.”

John did not respond.

He was in his “pre flight prep mode.” That means no talking and definitely no joking because he “knows” that this flight is his last. To be fair, he has good reason to be anxious. 

One time, over Nova Scotia, our four prop plane lost power in all but one prop. When the stewardess assured John that all was well, then ran to her seat assuming the emergency crash position, he was not the only one convinced that we would die.

Then, there was the time we were landing in the eye of a hurricane at the old Hong Kong airport. I was sitting with the boys (They refused to sit next to John.) and John was beside an off duty stewardess. 

She tried to calm him, “Sir. Don’t worry. Let me explain. Two dings are only an advisory for the cabin crew to sit because it might be a bit rough. Three means trouble. ‘Ding! Ding! Ding!’ Oh! !Oh! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! HANG IN THERE SIR! STAY CALM! DO NOT PANIC!!!! THESE PILOTS HAVE LANDED IN FAR WORSE CONDITIONS THAN THIS!!!!!! WHOOOOAAAAAA!..... That was pretty crazy, huh? Can you believe we just missed the entire runway? Sir?”

His fear of flying has lessened over the years with the help of drugs, rum, counseling, and preflight visualizations. Once we are seated, he will give his undivided attention to the stewardess’s pre-flight spiel, memorize the plane’s exits and grab my hand in a death grip. He will always press the buzzer before take off and the following conversations will always take place.
"Do you think it's possible that I can move closer to the front?"
"No."
"Can I have a rum and coke? Please? How about making that a double?"
"No."
"I am not a good flier. I know for a fact, that in business class that you do serve alcohol before take off because I have flown business class."
"No."

Once the plane starts to roll, he’ll go into his flight mode: accelerated breathing and heart rate, tense muscles and eyes as big as saucers. Windows, doors and overhead compartments will be checked. More than once. I will try to calm him, again, by telling him that the odds of us dying on the plane are less than us winning the lottery. He will still insist on keeping the plane in the air by clenching his stomach muscles during the entire flight. Periodically he will say or yell the following depending on how bad the turbulence is,
"What was that?"
"Did you hear that?"
"Do you think we are OK?"
"We're going to die! Are we going to die?"
 When the plane lands, he will go into his successful landing mode: clap loudly and happily smile at everyone, because once again he has somehow escaped death.

We are now boarding for San Francisco. The wind looks like it has died down. I am sure we will be just fine. I know we will.... ahhhh, damn that John.

Shelley and John

My Parents On Skype

We were hanging out in my parents' condo in Hemet. After talking to my sister on the phone, I wrote this with my mom's help.

“Valerie. We need to phone Shannon back. I never forget a phone number....... Valerie. What’s her number?”

“(Machine gun pace) 753 3312 8876.”

“What was that?”

“Oh Jesus Roy. (Machine gun pace) 753 3312 8876.”

“Hey Shannon. It’s dad.....Cuba was definitely for the laid back...”

“Ask Keith if he is coming down to play golf?”

“What Valerie? Hang on a sec. Mom wants to talk to you.”

“No, I don’t. I’m busy. Look at me. I’m doing laundry. Your  laundry.’

“Oh! OK. Never mind. No. We didn’t golf. It was just too expensive, it was...”

“Keith said that he would fly down and play golf. That’s why I am asking.”

“Hang on Shannon. John and Shelley, are you laughing at me?”

“No Roy. They think I’m funny.”

“Hang on. Your mom wants to talk.”

“HELLO SHANNON! I AM DOING THE LAUNDRY!!!!!!”

“Valerie, come over here.”

"Hi, Shannon. It’s your mother. Cuba was pretty expensive. The price of gas was $1.20.”

“No it wasn’t Valerie. It was $1.50.”..............

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

Pilot Knob Hill RV Park by Yuma, Arizona is described as a lovely and quiet little gem. 

Not true.

Every 15 minutes, kilometer long cargo trains, with their horns blasting, shake the ground, as they cruise by 500 meters away from our campsite. The Interstate #8 coast to coast highway (300 meters away) is always jammed with transport trucks, cars, RV’s, buses.....24/7.  

Fellow RVers shared with me that 9 million vehicles pass through that highway in one year.

Also not true.

9 million vehicles pass through Yuma in one night. I know this because I counted them, while staring at the ceiling, because I could not sleep. In fact, the incessant whooshing on the highway and the chooo choooing of the trains kept both of us awake. We tried:

reading boring books

watching boring TV 

watching TV in spanish

staying under the covers with pillows jammed on our heads

turning on the heat

John was the first to break.

“That’s it! Jesus Chaaarist!!! It’s 1:00 in the morning and we’re wide awake. Ahhhhhhh!!!!! How does it make sense that we actually paid for a campsite that's this noisy? Unbelievable!  Open the blinds. Let’s see if they moved the tracks and highway into our campsite when we weren’t looking. WT? Are you kidding me? No one has their lights on. Shelley, look out the window. They are all asleep. Can you believe it? There is no way they are all sleeping? How can they all be sleeping?..... Maybe they can’t hear. I don’t care if that wasn’t nice. I don’t feel nice. How are we supposed to sleep with all that racket going on? DEAR GOD!!!! What are we going to do?..........  I know. We are going to drink the rest of that red wine and rum. No, it doesn’t matter that you don’t like rum. You will drink it with me because there is no way that I am going to finally fall asleep and be woken up by you flopping around. I NEED MY SLEEP!!!!!  While you’re up, get your dramamine too. What do you mean it might not be a good idea to mix them? I don’t care. I DON’T !@#$!$@! CARE!!!!!!!!.  (Choooo!!! Choooo!!!!) Oh @#$@  Hell!  Another @#$@$# train? For @@#$@$ sake, just give me the bottle!"

Shelley and John

How to Survive in the Desert

The other morning we decided to spend the day hiking in the desert. But first we had to prepare. My job was to sort out the food. John’s was to get the drinks ready. 

However, John felt he had to deal with more important matters first, like looking up information on what to do if  “deadly” jackasses or “killer” coyotes or “poisonous” rattle snakes attacked. 

 “So, honey, what would you do if the “deadly” jackasses attacked us?”

“Easy. Get next to you, yell and wave my arms. They are more afraid of us than we are of them.”

“Do you really believe that, John?”

“I hope we don’t have to find out.... Wait, are you winding me up? ”

“Of course not. After all safety is no accident. And if the “killer “ coyotes come after us?”

 “Don’t make fun, Shelley. I don't have a good feeling about this. I’m just trying to be prepared. ”

“Ha! Ha! Ha!  Sorry. You're right. Ha! Ha! Ha! Seriously though.  What would you do?”

  “If you keep this up, I would let them get you.”

 “Really? That’s terrible. I would do everything in my power to save you. Everything.”

 “That is such BS Shelley! I distinctly remember skiing in France when I fell and started to slowly slip down the cliff to my certain death. And you, you did nothing because you were laughing too hard. At me.”

 “That’s so unfair. At no point were you in danger of dying. The cliff was 5 meters high, tops, and it was snowing. So, if you had fallen, you would have landed in a blanket of fresh snow. Anyway, didn’t you stick your poles in the snow and climb out?”

 “That is not the point. You didn’t help me. I would have helped you.”

“Like the time in Tokyo when you were outside the house before the earthquake stopped and I was still in bed?”

“ Jesus Christ Shelley!!! I was opening the door for you!!! ”

“OMG. Fine. OK. What if a “poisonous” rattle snake bit me? What would you do?”

“Seriously? You want me to answer that?”

“What would you do? Come on. Be honest. What would you do to help your loving, loyal wife of thirty years?”

“ I would go after that “deadly, killer, poisonous ” son of a bitch and kill it by ripping its head off. I would skin it, eat the meat raw, and hang the rattlers around my neck for a trophy. I would wrap a tourniquet above the bite and suck out all of the poison from your body even though I know that I am not supposed to. I would risk my life to save yours. There. Satisfied? Now for the love of God, can we go?”

“And if it bit me in the bum?...John?....John??!!?!”

“Then you’re on your own….honey.”

Shelley and John