Sunday, December 30, 2012

Get Your Knickers Off

Shelley: Thanks for helping me make Shenley's Birthday card. Pretty funny, right?
John: Sure was.
Shelley: Marina's card was so romantic. Why don't you give me cards like that?
John: Because you would laugh at me.
Shelley: That's true. How sad is that? John, I don't think we're romantic.
John: Of course we are. I bought you flowers on Andrew's birthday.
Shelley: You picked wild flowers in Joshua Tree National Park.
John: I could have been arrested by a Ranger.
Shelley: Oh please. I have an idea. Let's be romantic for the rest of the evening. Starting now. Kiss me... Euhhh! Why'd you lick my neck?
neck 1
John: I thought it would be romantic to try something new.
Shelley: It's gross.
John: What if I lightly stroke your arms?
Shelley: No! You're making my skin itchy. 
John: Look deeply into your eyes without blinking?
S and J look
Shelley: No. That's creepy. Ahhh.... There's no hope.
John: There is. Sit down. I'm going to recite a poem I wrote for you, before we were married. Ahem.
My heart cries out with pain
As you get on that big silver bird in the sky...
WTF? Why are you laughing?
Shelley: You already used "big silver bird in the sky"  in a poem to an ex girlfriend. It's hardly romantic to recycle lines.
John: Why don't you give it a shot, Miss Bronte?
Shelley:  Fine. It might not be perfect. But at least it will be original. 
You are my heart
My heart. My heart.
You are my soul.
My soul. My soul.
My eyes drip with diamond tears
Diamond tears. Diamond tears.
I will do anything for you.
For you. For you.
The end.
John: Heh! Heh! Heh! Come here little lady and prove it.
Shelley: That's so wrong on so many levels.
John: Give us a hug.
Shelley: that's romantic...  Huh! Did you burp in my ear?
John: No. That's rude. Go sit on the couch. I'll get us a drink, set up a movie, and we'll cuddle.
Shelley: OK................................................ That would be my bum.
John: Oh sorry. My hand accidently...
Shelley: Stop groping me.
John: It's not groping. It's...
Shelley: Really? Really? Passing gas? Forget it.
John: Why don't we stop trying to be like Shenley and Marina and be ourselves?
Shelley: You're right. We'll be romantic, Smith style.
John: Exactly. Now darling, get your knickers off. Just had 10 pints down at the pub.

sh and joh
Shelley and John 

Friday, December 28, 2012

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #12 DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT SAND DRYWALL TOGETHER

DSCN1725Sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding.................
John: Sighhhhhhhhhh...
John: Sighhhhhhhhhh...
John: SIGHHHHHHH.......
Shelley: OK. What's wrong?
John: Nothing's wrong. Sighhhhhhhhhh...
Shelley: Then why are you sighing?
John: I'm not. Sighhhhhhhhhh...
Shelley: You just sighed again.
John: I didn't. Sighhhhhhhhhh...
Shelley: Holy Christ! What is wrong with you?
John: I'm hot. Sighhhhhhhhhh...
Shelley: Then take off some layers. Get a drink. Jesus.
John: And It's taken over two hours to sand these walls  and we've still not finished the first floor. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: At least it's faster than mudding.
John: I don't care. I don't want to sand any more. I want to build something. Like a deck. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: But look outside. No one's building a deck.

John: Also, I'm hungry. Lunch was supposed to be here an hour and a half ago. You know me. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry. Sighhhhhhhhhh...
Shelley: I hardly think you are going to starve.

John: You don't know that. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: You're right. But I do know this, if you don't go upstairs or outside, I'm going to lose it.

John: How is that going to change anything? Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: It will change the fact that I won't have to listen to you sighing any more. Go.

John: You are not the boss of me!

Shelley: You are driving me freakin' bat s@#$ crazy!!!!

John: I knew if I told you, you wouldn't understand. That's what you get when you force stuff out of me. Sighhhhhhhhhh...

Shelley: HO-LEEEE CARAPPPP!!!!!!!! That's it. I've had enough.

John: You've had enough? You've had enough? What about this morning, when I accidently shut the car door on your knee, and you yelled,

" F@#$%er!!" ?

Shelley: It was my bad knee!!!

John: I apologized. Suggested we start over.  But you threw half a peanut butter sandwich on the dash and yelled,

"Enjoy your breakfast!"

Tell you what, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! And if I want to sigh, I'm going to sigh. You are not going to stop me!



Chairman of Habitat for Humanity North Island, Ron with Shaw Camera Man: Hi Shelley. John. Don't mind us. We've been filming for Shaw Cable TV. Just pretend that we're not here and carry on with what you were doing.
Sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding, sanding.................
 Shelley and John

If you enjoyed tip #12, here's the link to "How to Stay Happily Married Tip #1 Keep Things Even"

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Forever Young, No Way Would I Drink From the Fountain of Youth... Yet

The two Shelleys

Daily Prompt: Forever Young

If there were a real Fountain of Youth, would you drink the water?
I'm not sure if I would drink the water... yet, but last year I met a woman from Sugarland, Texas, who, if given the opportunity, would have chugged from the Fountain of Youth. I met her at a Super Bowl Party that my brother, Steve and sister-in-law Shelley (My partner in crime) took John and me to.
sssjBrother Steve, Shelley, me and John
Not going to lie, I'd already consumed a few glasses of wine before I struck up a conversation. John says it was more like a vat of wine. He exaggerates.
I'm on the left, Shelley is on the right.
Hostess: More Wine?
Me: Thank you. Cheers. So, let me get this straight. You have a level 5 black belt in karate, manage your own Dojo, have two kids in their twenties, say you're just over fifty, but don't look a day over forty. I'm the same age, but my eyebrows are falling out, I have wrinkles here, here and here, along with sun damage. What's your secret?
Hostess's friend: To start off I've had my eyebrows tattooed.
imagesNot really her. That would have been rude.
Me: You're kidding me? Didn't know you could do that. Mind if I get a little closer and look? Well, I'll be damned, so they are. I'll just touch them. Hmmm... that's amazing. Hey. Your eye liner is perfect too.
Joyce: Also tattooed.
Shelley: No S@#$!!!!!!! While I'm up close and personal, anything else you want to share? What about your forehead? Not one wrinkle.
Hostess: More wine?
Me: Wine not? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Cheers! Try frowning. Nope. Nothing. Smooth as a baby's bottom. Look Shelley.
Hostess's friend: Botox. But shhhhhhhh...
Me: Of course. Of course. Sorry. And no lines around your eyes because?
Hostess's friend: Also Botox.
Me: Man.That S@#t is amazing. Freakin' unbelievable! And your lips? Don't tell me. Botox?
Hostess's friend: Correct. Notice anything else about them?
Me: Aside from the fact that your lipstick's perfect? WTF???? No way. They're tattooed too?
Example of tattooed lips.
palinslipsI know! I was surprised Sarah had this done too.
Hostess: More wine?
Me: FILL 'ER UP!!!!  CHEERS!!!!!! No way. What if you want to change your lipstick colour?
Hostess's friend: Just apply it over the top. Hey, what are you doing? Stop rubbing my lips!!! What the... ?
Me: Just checking, in case you're trying to pull one over on me. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, want to be in a Crack Gang? I'm going to start one. Shelley and I are the first members. I'm the leader because I thought of it.
Hostess's friend: Uhhh....
Me: But you have to show the crack of your bum first. Right Shelley?
Shelley: That's right.
Me: It's because I forgot my belt tonight. Get it? OH! HA! HA! HA! Stand up. STAND UP!!!! There you go.
Hostess's friend: Uhhh.....
Me: Once you show your crack, you're in. Got any more wine? We'll need to toast the new member.
Hostess: Uhhhh....
kung fuNot really me. That's silly. No one can kick that high.
Hostess and Hostess's friend:...
Me: SHELLLEYYYYY!!!!!!! Did you see where I kicked her? Right in the... OH! HA! HA! HA! Right in the... OH! HA! HA! HA! She never even made an attempt to block my Kung Fu Kick. Didn't even twitch.  What is up with that???? OH! HA! HA! HA!  
Shelley: She's sober. Time to go.
Me: Good call. We're sooooo out of here. What a fake. Just like the rest of her.
Shelley and John