How to Stay Happily Married Tip #5 Forgive

On the road to Las Vegas......

Shelley: Hmmm......

John: What? What?

Shelley: Nothing. Just listening.

John: For what? What's wrong? Tell me.

Shelley: I just told you. Just listening. Like always. Why are you panicking?
John: Ahhhh, the electric jack not working, the tire leaking. I just get unsettled if things don't go as they should when we pack up.

Shelley: We cranked the jacks by hand and just filled the tire. We're set.
John: I know you're right. But, I don't have a good feeling. Last time I didn't have a good feeling, I forgot to connect the electricity to the fifth wheel. We ended up dragging the plug through six lanes of traffic without signal lights or brakes. God.

Shelley: We're fine. 

John: .......Was that the wind? How bad do you think it is? 
Do you want me to drive?

Shelley: Holy Christ. Relax.

John: WHY ARE YOU CHECKING THE REAR VIEW MIRROR???????? 
Shelley: FOR TRAFFIC!!!!! JESUS!!!! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN. YOU'RE SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF ME!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????
John: I can't help it if I'm safety conscious. 
Shelley: Stop! .......Please. You're freaking me out.
John: Sorry. Sorry. I won't do it any more. 
Shelley: Promise? 
John: Promise.
Shelley: All good?
John: All good. 
Shelley: Great. LOL. You know, the kids make fun of us when we say that. They say old people think it means "Lots of love." You know what I say? I say.........................


HOLY  SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


John: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  WHAT?? WHAT????


Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ha! Sorry. Ha! Ha! Ha! Couldn't help myself. 
John:.......... 
Shelley: Oh come on. I said I was sorry. You've got to admit that you would have done the same......LOL? 

Shelley and John

Do You Know Where Your Money is? Seriously, do you?

A conversation my husband, John and I had, while travelling in our fifth wheel through the States.

John: Isn’t it interesting how many single people we’ve met traveling on their own?

Shelley: Yes. And how genuinely happy they are, traveling that way.

John: I’d hate that. Wouldn’t you?

Shelley: ........

John: Not funny.

Shelley: God. I’m kidding. You know I’d hate to be on my own. Just think how hard it would be to find and train your replacement.

John: I don’t need to train “your” replacement. "Helga," the Swedish Nurse, doesn’t need any training.

Shelley: Of course she doesn’t. But she does need to be paid. Have you thought of that? I know how you like to plan.

John: Yehassss. Gawd.

Shelley: So, how would you pay her?

John: Cold. Hard. Cash.

Shelley: Excellent. From which account? Specifically.

John:........

Road runner

Shelley: Ha! You don’t have a clue where the money is.

John: Shelley, that's not fair. I’ve tried to learn, but you get so impatient with me, that it’s not worth it.

Shelley: That’s because when you actually do sit down, you can’t sit still. 

John: Not true.

Shelley: Really? Then let's sit down right now and I'll explain where everything is.

John: Now?

Shelley: Now.

John: Can I leave the basketball on?

Shelley: And, there you have it.

John: Now "I'm" kidding. Right. Go ahead.

Shelley: First of all, you can track most of the money ....... What are you doing?

John: I was going to put the kettle on. Not now of course. Later?

Shelley:.. First of all, you can track most of the money... ahh... most of the money.... Jesus Christ. Can't you just sit still for a moment? 

John: Sorry. Dust makes my eyes itchy. Ha! Ha! Remember when Susan would say that? 

Shelley: And, we're done.

John: Come on honey. Go ahead. I'm listening... tracking most of the money. See?

Shelley: But you have to know which site I'm on. And learn the login and password codes. @#$& it. This is a waste of time. I knew this would happen. I'm going for a walk.

John: Wait! How about we do this in stages? 

Shelley: ... Last chance. I'm going to write the basics on this paper. Then, I'm going for that walk. If you're really serious about this, you'll have memorized all of it by the time I get back. Otherwise...

John: You've got it. I promise. I'll show you.

Shelley:.. There. (Passes John the paper) I'll be back in fifteen minutes. 

John: I'll be done in five. 

Shelley: Fifteen. (Leaves)

John:(Opens the note) Oh. No.

Account #1: 48563094763423422934792735275975932759237927597115

Password: (^&^%BWYUajerkjnc!@#!@#!$!$!@QEDFGdfgdfvnjdf@#$$&

Account #2: 

02947520852759475492759245729745792579257211222727

Password:

#$!$%^*^^*&^#$Q%#Q$&** GSVRSIVMIRTMQtvsnco)((*&&

Account #3: 

09120834756758483747584839475793947389472987429347289

Password:

afiod@#$@#$gGGVDG453^$%^JHJBIGIF!@#!@$EVGTTHHH

Shelley and John

What Goes on Tour, Stays on Tour

Tour rules:
#1 Be game for anything such as:

working out, 

kayaking,

visiting hokey tourist towns, like Oatman, and being hokey,

                                    

                   Getting your pictures taken with burros,  live and  

                                     

                 possibly not so live, 

                                                 hiking,

even where hunters hunt,

in the hot, hot sun.

golfing,

even in big winds, and alligator infested ponds, 

                                        Kidding, they're fake.
Tour Rule #2: Napping is OK, 

even encouraged.

after all, 

at times, 

it can reach 80 degrees in the desert.

 But it might be better if you both nap at the same time.....

                                                     otherwise......

 the temptation may be too much to resist....

 RATTLE SNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley and John

How to Stay Happily Married Tip #4 Turn up the Heat

What a day. First a visit to Sedona, home of the Red Rocks,

Then we headed north........

to the Grand Canyon, the seventh Natural Wonder of the World. 

While hiking the southern rim of the Grand Canyon, we were blown away by how many people ventured off the trail, to climb on unprotected ledges, for the perfect shot. Of course, sane people, like the Smiths, wouldn't think of straying off the trail. 

If you look on the left, that's where people actually stood for pictures.

But now that we have spent another night in the high desert, at 6,467 feet, at minus 10 degrees celsius, I'm not sure how "sane" we really are.

11:00 last night........

John: Move over. I'm coming to bed. Ah! Ah! Ah! Holy S#$%! It's freezing. 

Shelley: Hurry! Hurry! You're letting the cold air in! 

John: Aieeee!! What the H#$% is that?

Shelley: My feet. They're cold.

John: Get them off me Shelley. 

Shelley: No. They're cold. I need to warm them up.

John: Go and put some socks on. 

Shelley: I will if you go get them for me. Otherwise...

John: Aieeee!! Jesus Christ Shelley. OK. OK. One.... Two.... Three....Ah! Ah! Ah! Lift the covers! Lift the covers!......... Pull down the covers! Pull down the covers! 

Shelley: John.

John:.....

Shelley: John!

John: What? For Christ sake, I'm trying to get some sleep.

Shelley: Can you do me a favour? I need to take out my contacts, brush my teeth and go to the bathroom.

John:.....

Shelley: John. Did you hear me?

John: Shelley. No. You'll still have to get up to use the bathroom.

Shelley: Puhlease. Please. Please. If you get my toothbrush and contact case, I  know I can wait until the morning......I'll let you put your feet on me.

John: Not going to happen. I'm toooo cold. 

Shelley: Fine. I can wait it out..... Hey, are you wearing your wool hat? Are you really that cold?

John: For the love of God, I'm trying to get some sleep. But yes I'm wearing a wool hat and yes I am really that cold.... I shouldn't have shaved my head last night, but the hair was getting in my eyes.

John and Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: Wow. I can see my breath.

John: This is the coldest I've ever been. Ever. You?

Shelley: I was colder at Lake Sai. But at least there were onsens and I had those heat packs plastered all over my body. It looked like I had some kind of freaky disease where the skin falls off you. 

John and Shelley: Ha! Ha! Ha!

John: OK. Turn off the light. Let's get some sleep. Ahhh!! Jesus Shelley! What are you doing???
Shelley: Kicking off the covers. I'm hot. Menopause John.
John: You're kidding. 
Shelley: Not at all. Warmest I've been in ages. Night. LOL!!

7:00 the next morning...

John: #%#$%#%ing @#$@$#ity @#$@#$ @#$@#$!!!!! THE #%#$%#%ingWATER PIPES HAVE #%#$%#%ing FROZEN!!!!! AGAIN!!!!! AND THE #%#$%#%$ing SEWER. BOTH OF THEM #%#$%#%$!!!!!!!

Shelley: (Still in bed) John, I'm not sure if this is a good time. But, I just thought about this. I know that the propane heat would have been expensive and not lasted the night, but why didn't we put the electric heat on? 

Shelley and John

Why I Miss Dr. Laura or 1-800- CALL-JOHN

Sitting on an underground potty

On our way to Sedona, Arizona...

John: Hey. You’re pretty quiet and you're never quiet. Why not call 1-800-CALL-JOHN and tell John what's up?

Shelley: Ha! Ha! I’m good. Just thinking about Arizona.

John: Aww. Come on. It’ll be fun.

Shelley: ........ OK. But remember, you insisted. 1-800-CALL-JOHN.

John: Welcome back, Shelley. What’s your question?

Shelley: My husband and I have been on the road for five months and although we’re having a fabulous time, there is this one thing....

John: You are a lucky girl to have someone as special as your husband to share your adventures with. 

Shelley: True. However, as I was saying, there is this one thing that he does, that drives me absolutely bat loco crazy and I’m not too sure what to do about it.

John: Ha! Ha! Ha!...... Are you sure you want to share this with the public?

Shelley: Oh yes. In fact, he insisted I call in. So,this morning, just when we were about to start packing up, he sat down and started making calls on Skype. God, I don’t know why he gets on Skype, because it just stresses him out, as it rarely works and...

John: Who’s he calling?

Shelley: Family members and then moves on to friends.

John: Let me get this straight, you phoned in to complain about your husband, who regularly calls his family and friends.

Shelley: What? No! I love that he calls family and friends. It’s what happens after, that drives me nuts. As soon as he finishes, he jumps up and starts frantically rushing around packing things away, while relentlessly badgering me to hurry. He says he’s stressing about whether or not we’ll make it to the next site on time.

John: Can’t see a problem with a man who is punctual.

Shelley: What? But it can’t be OK for him to turn off the TV, unplug the wires and pack it away while I’m still watching it? Right?

John: Definitely OK. I think you should thank him for helping you focus. 

Shelley: Thank him? Should I thank him for stepping over me, so he can brush his teeth, while I’m on my knees, scrubbing the toilet?

John: Absolutely. Cleanliness is very important.

Shelley: I see. Then, what about standing at the door, yelling,”Are you ready to go?” which I’m obviously not, as I’m holding the broom and the dust bin?

John: Sounds like John is more efficient with his jobs than you are. 

Shelley: Is that what it sounds like to you? Here's what it sounds like to me. I think..

John: Time for a music break. (John actually turns on the radio, top volume. When the song finishes, he turns it off) That was the Stones', “You Can’t Always Get What You Want." Kind of appropriate, don't you think, Shelley? Ha! Ha! Ha! Well look at that, we're out of time. Thanks for calling the “John Smith Can Do Anything He Wants Show.” 

Shelley: .......... 

Shelley and John

You Know It's Time to Leave New Mexico When You Think You Have a Serious Chance of Winning American Idol

You know it's time to leave New Mexico when....

you think you "are "the Park Rangers at the Carlsbad Caverns National Park, the Eighth Natural Wonder of the World,

the temperature drops to minus six degrees celsius, at night, causing your hoses to freeze, and the water line to burst,

there's snow,

you stop at a Casino to gamble a little, and eat a little...... before noon,

 you visit The White Sands National Monument and you lose your reading glasses!

  Reading glasses on the collar of my shirt.

Reading glasses off the collar of my shirt!

You really know it's time to leave when you drive for two days, directly into, at times, 50 mph head winds,

when you are a little too close to ......

and.....

you think that you have a serious chance to win "American Idol."

A SERIOUS CHANCE!

Shelley and John